Work: Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told...

By pussy - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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Work

Dementia or hate? You decide

The smell detective is on the case

Motormouth

By nano123

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand

He doesn't even go here!

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

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By splooge - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By Anonymous

Strange Diet

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

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1344

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By oops - United Kingdom

Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

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By trisha - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 14:00 - Austria - Graz

Debate bro

Today, I realized my boyfriend never argues with me when I'm right, but goes to great lengths when I'm not. As a result, in the five years we've been together, he has won every single argument we ever had. FML

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML

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By shiiiiit - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By justinmdent - United States - Excelsior Springs

Today, I helped a very large elderly man, who thanked me and tried to hand me a dollar bill. I kindly told him, "We are not allowed to accept tips from customers." His reply was, "You're going to take this fucking money," and shoved it in my pocket. I'm now being written up for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 08:03 - Germany - Ebersbach

Preferential treatment

Today, my mom’s house has several comfortable places to rest in every room. For the cats and dogs, that is. Unfortunately for me, I'm a human. FML

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604

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By recmonty - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

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By girlymae - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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14412

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By xTRYSOFTx - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

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457

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

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29161

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By 34_22_34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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39131

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By Radgirl - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

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30644

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By Imaman - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

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By LearnToLive

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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25360

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By mee - Australia

Dates that matter

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

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By ADT - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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56384

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By catherineratley - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

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35347

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By paula434 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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33478

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By fishingforubies2 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By king of 8 - 9/5/2021 11:00

Timing

Today, on the way to an exam, I got hit by a car. I got back up and limped to class. The teacher wouldn’t let me in because I was 10 seconds late. FML

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By KnuckleSandwich - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

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45562

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

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By kait - United States

Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML

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32902

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By A. - United States

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

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42206

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By al - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

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10049

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By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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39159

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By LadyChristina25 - United States

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

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34504

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By Enrique - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

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33899

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By failureparent - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

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39768

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By Italian_Stallion - United States

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

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By notababymama - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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Top comments

By purplestuff_fml | 0

#168275 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

I always sleep with the lights on :(

By panda_rectum | 0

#168295 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:36

Don't worry, Capser is the friendly ghost!

COMMENTS

By AHX_fml | 0

#168260 - Monday 4 May 2009 20:30

Lol that's sad.

Loosechange | 0

#968949 - Saturday 27 March 2010 4:38

OP: Watch the Ring 1 and 2 it will totally cure your fear of ghosts, but then you will be scared of little evil girls crawling out of your TV to kill you.