Love: Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me that he listened to me...

By Anonyme - Madagascar - Mahajanga

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me that he listened to me yesterday: I said that I loved unusual attention. He woke me up by putting a slice of ham on my head. FML

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Love

Dementia or hate? You decide

The smell detective is on the case

Grow up

By Passive ass aggressor - 8/4/2021 02:00

Cranky

Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By drunkennight - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

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By rubberduck_of_doom

Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML

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By Indiana - Canada

Today, I was getting off the bus, when these two guys behind me started commenting on my bag, oblivious to the fact that I could hear them say, "Look at his ugly man-purse," and "It that looks like the satchel that Indiana Jones has". I'm a girl. Who is planning majoring in fashion studies. FML

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By yummolives - United States

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By thisentiretime... - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 04:01

Conundrum

Today, my best friend is completely head-over-heels for his girlfriend, has been buying her very expensive stuff and gave her the ring of compromise after 4 years of relationship. The problem is, I just found out that the girlfriend has been sexting with someone else, and is sure to dump my friend for that guy. FML

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By Sam - Australia

Today, in a desperate attempt to get my business "out there", I dropped a few of my cards on a station floor. I got a call, even a quote. A $500 fine from the transit for public littering. FML

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By Snow White

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By mycariswrecked - United States - Tinley Park

Early meeting

Today, I was going to meet up with my boyfriend's mother to watch his swim meet with her. On my way to the high school, I got in a car accident. The person driving the other car was his mother. FML

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By YahItsMe94 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

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By theshad - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 07:56

Oh, the irony

Today, my dad came home after collecting donations for construction of the temple of Lord Rama, who is known for qualities like patience. Within 5 minutes, he started yelling at my sister. FML

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By Bebefer - United States

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

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By Earlybird76 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

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By tommy - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

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By JoshuaRob - United States

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By kay51 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By nonameLiz - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley"

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By bonzo - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

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By Michelle - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

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By Water Daughter - United States

Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

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By Cat - Greece - Athens

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

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By screw the cat - United States - South Jordan

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

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By ThatEndedWell - United States - Staten Island

Today, I decided to challenge the jerk jock at work to a fight, since he kept poking fun at me for being a weakling. Having started taking MMA classes, I was confident I'd make him eat his words. Just my luck, he's an MMA instructor and kicked my ass effortlessly. Not what I had planned. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Charlton

Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to kill and dispose of the bugs entering my apartment. I live with two "manly" men who can't use a flyswatter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's work to surprise him by speaking in Spanish, his first language. I've been taking classes secretly. He smiled, kissed me, and then finished telling his friend, in Spanish, that I'm boring and ugly but he's got nothing better going on. FML

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By ColdHeat - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

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Top comments

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6619698 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 18:18

Better that it's ham and not his sweaty balls.

By myGRAM | 14

#6619724 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 18:54

No one ever serves me breakfast in bed...

COMMENTS

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6619698 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 18:18

Better that it's ham and not his sweaty balls.

By C8H18 | 33

#6619709 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 18:30

Usual attention = anal.

By myGRAM | 14

#6619724 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 18:54

No one ever serves me breakfast in bed...

Saluriel | 12

#6621205 - Sunday 5 June 2016 0:03

I think that counts as breakfast on head.

By neuronerd | 28

#6619748 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 19:23

That's kind of adorable, other than the likely residual scent of ham in your hair.

By superlloyd | 15

#6619768 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 19:43

like staring at your belly button while fucking his ear with his finger that is slthered with mayonaise?

RedPillSucks | 31

#6619791 - Wednesday 1 June 2016 19:57

WTF??!!

Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6619959 - Thursday 2 June 2016 1:07

I'll have what he's having