Love: Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his... - FML

By lbailey32 - 04/02/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 223

You deserved it 4 447

Hiding from the drama

Late term

Compromises

By ECullen - 21/05/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 644

You deserved it 24 930

By pigtails - 16/01/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 352

You deserved it 3 218

By gross - 11/06/2016 07:56 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 702

You deserved it 2 049

By blue - 25/08/2012 21:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 152

You deserved it 2 339

By Rothaar - 26/01/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 201

You deserved it 2 329

By FirehouseShowersAreGross - 05/07/2019 00:00

Today, I’m showering at a local firehouse. Why? Because our shower is broken and my dad refuses to fix it, or get someone to fix it for us. It’s been a year and a half since I've showered in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 154

Pay up

By redheadmess - 20/07/2020 02:01

Today, my grandfather sent me a bill from when I had to live with him in foster care. I apparently owe him 62k for shampoo, food, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 97

By Anonymous - 03/08/2015 15:29 - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 800

You deserved it 15 344

By offended - 07/04/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 157

You deserved it 5 114

By Anonymous - 01/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 226

You deserved it 2 743

Queef Richards

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 14:02

Today, I had two customers who had some questions about their phones. Walking over, my cooch graced us with an audible fart sound that I‘m sure everybody heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 114

By hailey - 10/12/2012 05:10 - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 751

You deserved it 6 713

By kklaucen14 - 06/08/2012 01:15 - United States - Connersville

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 923

You deserved it 3 245

By musiclover - 06/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 680

You deserved it 5 095

By Almost Fired - 15/08/2019 12:00

Today, I got written up for insulting a customer last week, who then rang up to complain about my bad attitude. I was on vacation all last week. My boss doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 111

By Noname - 26/02/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 930

You deserved it 475 093

By goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt - 07/09/2013 21:43 - United States - Midlothian

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 091

You deserved it 3 871

Do as I say…

By Anonymous - 12/02/2021 00:30 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, I was admonished by a supermarket cashier because my mask had slipped below my nose. So had hers, actually. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 330

By BNLM - 09/03/2010 01:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 606

You deserved it 34 070

Chemical warfare

By Danielle Heichelbech - 08/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 140

By ohwell - 01/09/2016 17:49 - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 393

You deserved it 1 270

By sorkin15 - 24/03/2016 21:06 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 982

You deserved it 2 973

By Anonymous - 15/06/2013 21:58 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 611

You deserved it 5 237

By Anonymous - 12/07/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 799

You deserved it 6 427

By llostinreality - 30/09/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 949

You deserved it 360

By FML_Elle - 06/10/2012 15:52 - United States

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 865

You deserved it 2 289

Nice mental image

By Maggie - 17/03/2020 17:00

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 302

Burden

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 04:00

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 765

By monster in law. - 17/12/2014 07:35 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 198

You deserved it 3 412

Confusion is Sex

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, I was giving my wife a massage. That led to some very intense and passionate love making, and she told me that has been the best sex we’ve had. Next thing I know, she's upset and yelling at me about how massages always lead to sex. She was asking for it. Literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 138

By Squid - 07/11/2012 05:11 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 893

You deserved it 7 424

By flexibleflatulance - 05/09/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 945

You deserved it 49 617

By Anonymous - 01/09/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 619

You deserved it 3 648

By bear - 21/05/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 891

You deserved it 4 353

Right in the kidneys

By still single - 28/07/2021 22:01

Today, after spending three weeks in the hospital for a kidney infection, I found out the girl I have been dating now has a girlfriend. I guess that’s why she couldn’t visit me this whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 55

By Lennyr - 28/08/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 448

You deserved it 1 068

By meet Chloe - 19/02/2012 09:15 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 823

You deserved it 8 521

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 014

You deserved it 7 643

Sounds like a catch

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58

Today, the momma's boy I was getting to know cried when I said we should just be friends. He said I was being added to the list of people who treat him like shit and verbally abuse him. He has bad hygiene, musty, wears dirty clothes and I taught him how to properly clean a toilet. But I’m the bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 85

By cuntocracy - 21/01/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 133

You deserved it 6 040

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Top comments

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

frozen92_fml 12

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

Comments

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Well at least you got a drink

caohm 18

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:00

well it looks like he really put you in a hot spot lol amiright guys??.........guys?

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

No.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:02

You got a real keeper there.

Mooish 18

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

He could be stealing children.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

Well that escalated quickly...

cryssycakesx3 22

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:29

no. it didn't.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 13:58

I for one, unlike the other responses, realized this was a joke. Props to you #12

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Did he steal your frappuccino?

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

What could you steal from Starbucks?

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

CDs, coffee mugs, those yummy black & white cookies etc...

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

Mugs, coffee, all the stuff on display

joea21 21

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

What couldn't you steal from Starbucks? That place is a euphoria of stuff to steal for hipsters

AnOriginalName 19

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:57

Well it would be fairly easy to go up to the counter and take someone else's drink before they can grab it....

botanistjessica 24

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:08

Euphoria isn't a place. Therefore you cannot go to a euphoria. However, you can be euphoric.

joea21 21

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Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:19

I wasn't saying it was a place, I was saying there's so much useless crap for hipsters that creates a euphoria for them.

frozen92_fml 12

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Smooth. Lol

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

He already did because he's OPs boyfriend

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 11:35

Badum-tssss

randymontegut 5

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

So... What did he get at Starbucks?

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:53

Da dum, tsssss

Godsofdracos 15

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:54

If that was a hidden pun... Well played.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:56

That comment was as smooth as the skin on Terry Crews' pecs.

cryssycakesx3 22

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

and older than Betty white

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

Well he is woefully misinformed about what is acceptable. I'm having a hard time thinking of when this would be a good idea.

randymontegut 5

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

This is one of those FMLs you can't deserve.

Godsofdracos 15

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:55

31 people and counting disagree unfortunately. Cold hearted creatures they are :c

VampOfSavannah 31

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

Be careful, shoplifting often leads to much serious crimes... Maybe even murder.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:19

you need to lay off TV

VampOfSavannah 31

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:20

You need to learn sarcasm.

thejewishfuhrer 17

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:45

I think you need to learn sarcasm....considering the "sarcastic" comments you make.

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:16

apparently I wasn't the only person who thought you were being serious, with all those down votes.. sorry it went over my head.

StompinOnCrayons 15

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 23:16

This sounds like one of those anti - pirating adverts. "You wouldn't steal a car, so why steal a movie " , " Stealing a baby is a criminal offence and so is stealing a movie and watching it for free "

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 27

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 146