Love: Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his... - FML

By lbailey32 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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It's the thought that counts

Always ask for documentation

Modern Family

By Unsanitary - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By mdg - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

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By TrolleyCollector - Australia - Seymour

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I was babysitting, and the family dog was unable to move, so I had texted the mother about it. We put the small dog on the couch to make it comfortable while the mother was on her way to get the dog and take it to the vet. Turns out, we sat with a dead dog for about ten minutes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By Belt issues - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML

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By DaoOfPow - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

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By wtf dad - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

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By Kelsiiii - 11/3/2020 03:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

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By Hellohaileyexoh - United States

Today, I went to get food, I was late so my friend ordered for me. I took a few bites and it was getting hard to breathe. I realized it's a bluebery muffin, I'm deathly allergic. I look to my friend, she was laughing saying she wanted to see if it was true. I just got out of the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

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By jemstuff - United States

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 17:00

Outdoorsy romance

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

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By Danicole927 - United States - Trenton

Today, I had a job interview with a world-renowned forensic psychologist, and it fits my degree perfectly. He didn't want to hire me, but he'd like me to return as a patient. FML

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By sharkgirl4 - United States - Rialto

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

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By KayEffEh - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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By eat my fucking ass, boss - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

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By PissyPants - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By j_portal - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

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By benoit - France

Today, I walked into work, a day after losing my shit with our systems admin, due to her taking ages to enable my new email account. I was soon bitched out, warned, and suspended over several lewd emails having been sent overnight from my account to various female co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

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By disboydanielx

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

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By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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By Jumja - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

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By aldfgadfklbg - United States

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

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By rackman007 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

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By AgentRarity

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

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By RBergman - United States - Basin

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

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By Samaritan - United Kingdom

Today, I was given a ticket for running a red light. The reason? I was moving out of the way of an ambulance. The police officer watched it go by. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 14:00 - Austria - Graz

Debate bro

Today, I realized my boyfriend never argues with me when I'm right, but goes to great lengths when I'm not. As a result, in the five years we've been together, he has won every single argument we ever had. FML

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By clubber - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

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By notsohot - United States

Today, I was walking when I heard a car horn honk. I looked up to see a hot guy giving me a thumbs up. As he got a better look at me, he made a disgusted face and flipped his hand so he was giving me a thumbs down. FML

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Top comments

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5848200 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5848196 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

COMMENTS

By kyle4955 | 12

#5848191 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Well at least you got a drink

Reply

caohm | 18

#5848218 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:00

well it looks like he really put you in a hot spot lol amiright guys??.........guys?

Reply

hurtfeet | 17

#5848274 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

No.

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#5848299 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:02

You got a real keeper there.

By Mooish | 18

#5848192 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

He could be stealing children.

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5848224 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

Well that escalated quickly...

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5848280 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:29

no. it didn't.

Reply

wcc7777777 | 5

#5848423 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 13:58

I for one, unlike the other responses, realized this was a joke. Props to you #12

By ashingtondc | 3

#5848194 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Did he steal your frappuccino?

By Dt33345 | 13

#5848195 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

What could you steal from Starbucks?

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#5848220 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

CDs, coffee mugs, those yummy black & white cookies etc...

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5848221 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

Mugs, coffee, all the stuff on display

Reply

joea21 | 21

#5848223 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

What couldn't you steal from Starbucks? That place is a euphoria of stuff to steal for hipsters

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5848293 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:57

Well it would be fairly easy to go up to the counter and take someone else's drink before they can grab it....

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5848489 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:08

Euphoria isn't a place. Therefore you cannot go to a euphoria. However, you can be euphoric.

Reply

joea21 | 21

#5849160 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:19

I wasn't saying it was a place, I was saying there's so much useless crap for hipsters that creates a euphoria for them.

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5848196 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

Reply

Palirose | 22

#5848197 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Smooth. Lol

Reply

DaMann360 | 19

#5848204 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

He already did because he's OPs boyfriend

Reply

ethancano | 11

#5848382 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 11:35

Badum-tssss

By randymontegut | 5

#5848199 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

So... What did he get at Starbucks?

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5848200 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

Reply

DaMann360 | 19

#5848208 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:53

Da dum, tsssss

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#5848211 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:54

If that was a hidden pun... Well played.

Reply

murythawn | 13

#5848214 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:56

That comment was as smooth as the skin on Terry Crews' pecs.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5848275 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

and older than Betty white

By murythawn | 13

#5848201 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

Well he is woefully misinformed about what is acceptable. I'm having a hard time thinking of when this would be a good idea.

By randymontegut | 5

#5848202 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

This is one of those FMLs you can't deserve.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#5848213 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:55

31 people and counting disagree unfortunately. Cold hearted creatures they are :c

By VampOfSavannah | 31

#5848205 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

Be careful, shoplifting often leads to much serious crimes...
Maybe even murder.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5848237 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:19

you need to lay off TV

Reply

VampOfSavannah | 31

#5848240 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:20

You need to learn sarcasm.

Reply

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#5848289 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:45

I think you need to learn sarcasm....considering the "sarcastic" comments you make.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5848315 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:16

apparently I wasn't the only person who thought you were being serious, with all those down votes.. sorry it went over my head.

Reply

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5848815 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 23:16

This sounds like one of those anti - pirating adverts. "You wouldn't steal a car, so why steal a movie " , " Stealing a baby is a criminal offence and so is stealing a movie and watching it for free "