Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his... - FML

By lbailey32 - 4/2/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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KoBabe

Breaking Badly

No justice

By Anonymous - 25/7/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, my family invited a bunch of their friends over for a party. At some point they decided to play some home videos from many years ago. In one of them, I was 7, I said, "Look Mommy! I can make my pee-pee bigger by doing this!" Everyone saw and laughed. FML

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By lehonX9 - 6/6/2015 09:11 - Germany - Hanover

Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML

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By for fuck sake dad - 2/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By Moth_Balled - 15/12/2015 04:50 - Australia

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

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By Nikki - 2/2/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML

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By ouagadougou - 24/2/2009 11:02 - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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By omfgfmlife - 5/7/2011 14:32 - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By MrsRockyHorror - 15/3/2010 08:11 - United States

Today, I seriously considered labelling myself as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been in one since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML

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By fucking teen cunts - 27/1/2013 21:59 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I was on a ladder at work, fetching some stock from one of the storage shelves. Some teenage kid thought it would be fucking hilarious to grab the ladder and violently shake it. He hadn't bet on me being startled enough to fall off and fracture my elbow on the floor. FML

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By clueless - 29/10/2009 04:09 - Canada

Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

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By LALALA3 - 16/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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By PCJJacket - 5/5/2014 17:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By childdreamkiller - 8/12/2011 17:41 - Canada

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Ouch - 28/2/2015 02:25 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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By dork - 16/7/2009 20:32 - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

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By uetlqdja - 21/5/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By noshow - 11/12/2014 05:44 - United States - Richardson

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

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By patrick - 17/3/2010 16:15 - United States

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML

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By carson28 - 17/12/2010 02:23 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By xsnqw - 19/1/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

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By missgayle319 - 15/3/2012 07:53 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By Oops - 7/1/2017 20:48 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML

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By broken - 2/9/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 11:17 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, multiple people admired my elaborate face paint. This happens every Halloween, at least every Halloween since I got badly burnt in a car accident. FML

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By Steve - 16/8/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By xattackattackx - 18/11/2011 09:01 - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By upsetandunjustified - 4/11/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

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By Zitty - 12/7/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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By dan - 25/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By Benchthewarmer - 8/7/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2013 17:32 - Canada - Brantford

Thanks dad

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

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Top comments

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5848200 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5848196 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

COMMENTS

By kyle4955 | 12

#5848191 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Well at least you got a drink

Reply

caohm | 18

#5848218 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:00

well it looks like he really put you in a hot spot lol amiright guys??.........guys?

Reply

hurtfeet | 17

#5848274 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

No.

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#5848299 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:02

You got a real keeper there.

By Mooish | 18

#5848192 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

He could be stealing children.

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5848224 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

Well that escalated quickly...

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5848280 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:29

no. it didn't.

Reply

wcc7777777 | 5

#5848423 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 13:58

I for one, unlike the other responses, realized this was a joke. Props to you #12

By ashingtondc | 3

#5848194 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Did he steal your frappuccino?

By Dt33345 | 13

#5848195 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

What could you steal from Starbucks?

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#5848220 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

CDs, coffee mugs, those yummy black & white cookies etc...

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5848221 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

Mugs, coffee, all the stuff on display

Reply

joea21 | 21

#5848223 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

What couldn't you steal from Starbucks? That place is a euphoria of stuff to steal for hipsters

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5848293 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:57

Well it would be fairly easy to go up to the counter and take someone else's drink before they can grab it....

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5848489 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:08

Euphoria isn't a place. Therefore you cannot go to a euphoria. However, you can be euphoric.

Reply

joea21 | 21

#5849160 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:19

I wasn't saying it was a place, I was saying there's so much useless crap for hipsters that creates a euphoria for them.

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5848196 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

Reply

Palirose | 22

#5848197 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Smooth. Lol

Reply

DaMann360 | 19

#5848204 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

He already did because he's OPs boyfriend

Reply

ethancano | 11

#5848382 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 11:35

Badum-tssss

By randymontegut | 5

#5848199 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

So... What did he get at Starbucks?

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5848200 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

Reply

DaMann360 | 19

#5848208 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:53

Da dum, tsssss

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#5848211 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:54

If that was a hidden pun... Well played.

Reply

murythawn | 13

#5848214 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:56

That comment was as smooth as the skin on Terry Crews' pecs.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5848275 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

and older than Betty white

By murythawn | 13

#5848201 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

Well he is woefully misinformed about what is acceptable. I'm having a hard time thinking of when this would be a good idea.

By randymontegut | 5

#5848202 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

This is one of those FMLs you can't deserve.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#5848213 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:55

31 people and counting disagree unfortunately. Cold hearted creatures they are :c

By VampOfSavannah | 31

#5848205 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

Be careful, shoplifting often leads to much serious crimes...
Maybe even murder.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5848237 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:19

you need to lay off TV

Reply

VampOfSavannah | 31

#5848240 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:20

You need to learn sarcasm.

Reply

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#5848289 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:45

I think you need to learn sarcasm....considering the "sarcastic" comments you make.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5848315 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:16

apparently I wasn't the only person who thought you were being serious, with all those down votes.. sorry it went over my head.

Reply

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5848815 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 23:16

This sounds like one of those anti - pirating adverts. "You wouldn't steal a car, so why steal a movie " , " Stealing a baby is a criminal offence and so is stealing a movie and watching it for free "