Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his... - FML

By lbailey32 - 4/2/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Who's a good boy?

A beautiful truck decoration

By ctop - 13/5/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the lecture hall. A girl walked by to get to her seat and her dress got caught on the handles, lifting it up. She didn't notice but I did, so I tried to take it off the handles. She turned around to see me holding her dress up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By m0m - 4/3/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

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By eeh - 7/5/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

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By arthur - 19/11/2011 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

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By Workworkwork - 30/4/2019 12:00

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a Macbook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 18:39 - United States

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

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By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 21:54

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By soembarassed - 18/3/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By AJL - 4/7/2014 01:30 - United States

Today, I parked my motorcycle in a parking spot. When I came back, my bike had been moved and was laying on its side with a note saying, "Sorry I dropped your motorcycle I was trying to move it forward so I could park my car because there weren't any other spots." FML

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By MedHistory - 15/9/2015 20:40 - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today my girlfriends "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting & cold sweating while passing acidic/blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By Loveless - 6/5/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By leftbehind - 10/6/2011 11:40 - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

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By Ahook1 - 23/8/2010 23:31 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By BrokenHearted - 4/7/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

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By whiteboyfresh69 - 22/1/2020 20:00 - United States

She likes it!

Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn't notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML

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By Faktafem - 19/6/2019 23:55

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - 17/10/2016 17:58 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By cjy152 - 21/9/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By b3ardown23 - 7/9/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

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By Meh - 1/3/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

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By Jumanji - 12/12/2008 06:05 - France

Today, I opened my laptop in the train to watch a good film I had downloaded. Of course, it was a fake and the whole carriage was allowed to watch and hear five seconds of butt licking. FML

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By Angie - 24/3/2011 19:07 - South Africa

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By pizzaface - 9/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2010 04:44 - Canada

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

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By hating my life - 26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 04:07 - United States - Apache Junction

Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice girl, when all of a sudden some kids let off firecrackers behind me. I shrieked like a little girl and practically jumped into her lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By shelookslikemiley - 23/9/2014 12:48 - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

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By razgriz1 - 20/8/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

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By madgf - 30/1/2010 20:55 - France

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML

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By M95 - 3/3/2010 19:11 - Norway

Today, I'm a 15 year old boy who is bald. Why am I bald? My little brother thought it would be funny to put glue in my hair gel. FML

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By Jay703 - 3/8/2016 02:21 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

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By Jordid - 19/8/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

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By Our Talisman - 1/8/2010 19:41 - France

Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML

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By Nightsong - 30/3/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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Top comments

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5848200 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5848196 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

Comments

By kyle4955 | 12

#5848191 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Well at least you got a drink

Reply

caohm | 18

#5848218 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:00

well it looks like he really put you in a hot spot lol amiright guys??.........guys?

Reply

hurtfeet | 17

#5848274 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

No.

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#5848299 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:02

You got a real keeper there.

By Mooish | 18

#5848192 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

He could be stealing children.

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5848224 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

Well that escalated quickly...

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5848280 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:29

no. it didn't.

Reply

wcc7777777 | 5

#5848423 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 13:58

I for one, unlike the other responses, realized this was a joke. Props to you #12

By ashingtondc | 3

#5848194 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:47

Did he steal your frappuccino?

By Dt33345 | 13

#5848195 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

What could you steal from Starbucks?

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#5848220 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

CDs, coffee mugs, those yummy black & white cookies etc...

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5848221 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:01

Mugs, coffee, all the stuff on display

Reply

joea21 | 21

#5848223 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:05

What couldn't you steal from Starbucks? That place is a euphoria of stuff to steal for hipsters

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5848293 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:57

Well it would be fairly easy to go up to the counter and take someone else's drink before they can grab it....

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5848489 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 16:08

Euphoria isn't a place. Therefore you cannot go to a euphoria. However, you can be euphoric.

Reply

joea21 | 21

#5849160 - Wednesday 5 February 2014 7:19

I wasn't saying it was a place, I was saying there's so much useless crap for hipsters that creates a euphoria for them.

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5848196 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Watch out or he'll steal your heart.

Reply

Palirose | 22

#5848197 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:48

Smooth. Lol

Reply

DaMann360 | 19

#5848204 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

He already did because he's OPs boyfriend

Reply

ethancano | 11

#5848382 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 11:35

Badum-tssss

By randymontegut | 5

#5848199 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

So... What did he get at Starbucks?

By Ray_of_midnight | 22

#5848200 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

He might have kleptomania, but that's OK. He can always take something for it.

Reply

DaMann360 | 19

#5848208 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:53

Da dum, tsssss

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#5848211 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:54

If that was a hidden pun... Well played.

Reply

murythawn | 13

#5848214 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:56

That comment was as smooth as the skin on Terry Crews' pecs.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5848275 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:22

and older than Betty white

By murythawn | 13

#5848201 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:50

Well he is woefully misinformed about what is acceptable. I'm having a hard time thinking of when this would be a good idea.

By randymontegut | 5

#5848202 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

This is one of those FMLs you can't deserve.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#5848213 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:55

31 people and counting disagree unfortunately. Cold hearted creatures they are :c

By VampOfSavannah | 31

#5848205 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:51

Be careful, shoplifting often leads to much serious crimes...
Maybe even murder.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5848237 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:19

you need to lay off TV

Reply

VampOfSavannah | 31

#5848240 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 6:20

You need to learn sarcasm.

Reply

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#5848289 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 7:45

I think you need to learn sarcasm....considering the "sarcastic" comments you make.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5848315 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 8:16

apparently I wasn't the only person who thought you were being serious, with all those down votes.. sorry it went over my head.

Reply

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5848815 - Tuesday 4 February 2014 23:16

This sounds like one of those anti - pirating adverts. "You wouldn't steal a car, so why steal a movie " , " Stealing a baby is a criminal offence and so is stealing a movie and watching it for free "