Love: Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

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Love

Commando

Messed up

Age difference

By emi

Today, not only does my cat rabidly attack my face if I don't let him sleep on my pillow, but he snores too. FML

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By mstar - United States

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

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By TrulyYours - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By violatedinden - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from work and turned on the computer. I logged onto Facebook and saw I had a bunch of notifications. Turns out, everyone on Facebook knew I was single before I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - State College

Gotcha!

Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then heard loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML

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By Deedee

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

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By SadFace - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I realized my acne is so bad that the Facebook face recognition could recognize all of my friends in a group photo except me. FML

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By smoochie

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By madbabynoel - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, we surprised my grandpa by being at his house when he arrived. We haven't seen him in seven years. He had a small heart attack. It was his birthday. FML

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By cricketeer - United States

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 22:56

Help needed

Today, I've been asking for help to close up store for the last 7 months, at the height of a global pandemic. My boss's excuse for no help? Joe Biden and the government is keeping everyone who would earn 10 dollars an hour from working, because they are all lazy. Joe wasn't president 7 months ago. FML

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By wantedphantom

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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By slumber party for two - 6/8/2020 08:02

Just BFF things

Today, my best friend came to visit from out of state. We had lunch, painted our nails and fell asleep sipping wine and watching movies. It was a perfect girl’s day. My boyfriend is now irrationally angry, because according to him it’s not fair that I can have a girl sleep over and he can’t. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got back from a 6 month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of 3 years couldn't pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

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By Anonymous

You idiot!

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Romsey

Today, I discovered that my expensive new shampoo smells exactly like my ex-girlfriend. So now, whenever I shower, I'm showered with depression. FML

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By DocFUCKINGHATESSTUPIDPEOPLE - United States - Schertz

Today, I've been on duty at the hospital for just three hours so far, and I've already pulled five carving forks out of four different people. Good job, everybody. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Kensington

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

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By Ann - United States

Works out well

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

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By clewie - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By grossedout - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

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By negromancer - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

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By TooInnocent - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

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By Screwed in Seattle - United States

Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML

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By [email protected] - France

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By really - Canada - Ottawa

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

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By Salvation711 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By unwanted - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By bieberslayer - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

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By nolove - Australia

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

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By Confusedfiance

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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Top comments

By xShannonxSammyx | 7

#3650111 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:13

At least he tried to be romantic! :)

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3650105 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:13

The epitome of masculinity.

COMMENTS

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3650105 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:13

The epitome of masculinity.

MrKlutch | 1

#3650130 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:16

The dog wanted to get into the action ;)

Ghoztencountr | 0

#3650185 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:22

This brings a whole new meaning to doggie style!! ;p

marinus_fml | 19

#3650247 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:38

20- That doesn't have anything to do with doggy style, and does not give doggy style a new meaning. Just putting it out there.

margie2194 | 12

#3650276 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:45

Bitches be cock blocking.(said in a very stereotypical ghetto resonance)

Ghoztencountr | 0

#3650528 - Monday 28 November 2011 1:25

Gosh 33 it was just a joke ment to be taken light heart'd I know what doggie style is and I just wanted to do alittle pun on the story

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3650574 - Monday 28 November 2011 1:31

46- You need to calm the fuck down. Mmk?

Muslimgal92 | 0

#3650592 - Monday 28 November 2011 1:35

This is just another memory to laugh at later on :) cheer up!

zombicidal | 11

#3650910 - Monday 28 November 2011 2:43

light heart would???

beckybecks20 | 8

#3650928 - Monday 28 November 2011 2:49

YDI for saying bridal-style.

graham11 | 14

#3651531 - Monday 28 November 2011 4:42

33- doggy style will always have the same meaning... But nice try!

By Flocka_23 | 14

#3650107 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:13

Funny, good dog!!!

geon_olam | 17

#3650204 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:25

this dog is evil

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3650227 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:32

That dog is fucking Cujo...

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3650110 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:13

Error.

marinus_fml | 19

#3650268 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:44

You were? ;)

Justin23L | 2

#3650797 - Monday 28 November 2011 2:17

It never works like in the movies :/

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3651814 - Monday 28 November 2011 6:39

Well, I was meaning error in the sense that I had double posted somehow so I edited the second comment to this.

By xShannonxSammyx | 7

#3650111 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:13

At least he tried to be romantic! :)

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3650253 - Monday 28 November 2011 0:41

And it all came crashing down

SAgirl | 13

#3651819 - Monday 28 November 2011 6:43

True, but nothing can be romantic with a dog in the house. It will either eat it, barf on it, run over or off with it. In this case running off with the mood.

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3651859 - Monday 28 November 2011 7:05

Or it will take a used condom out of the trash so OP's mother can find it. That's happened one too many times on FML

alexsam_fml | 10

#5342314 - Sunday 27 January 2013 15:15

absolutely n it's not his fault. also he didn't put you back on ground within 5 seconds saying you are too heavy..that's what my boyfriend did. even my 14 yr old brother can pick me but not my 21 yr boyfriend.