Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was...

By Fire_Princess16 - 17/10/2017 04:20

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Delayed proposal

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Badday - 25/10/2009 04:38 - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

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By Hatilic_ - 14/6/2019 20:00

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By gullible - 21/2/2010 02:38 - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 07:30 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in my broken German with a slightly odd middle-aged man. He said, winking, that he was near to his pension. I smiled and nodded, thinking he was talking about retirement. My friend later informed me that 'pension' is German for 'apartment'. Ew. FML

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By bad day Brutus - 29/4/2013 05:26 - United States

Today, I confessed to cheating to my girlfriend. She decided to go up to the girl and ask her about it. The girl denied it and said she didn't even know me. My girlfriend walked up to me, called me a liar and punched me in the face. FML

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By suckstobefat - 22/1/2012 06:10 - Canada

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML

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By anonymous - 14/7/2015 17:28 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 17:17 - United States

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

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By whoopsboutthecap - 15/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - 15/7/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By Lockout - 31/8/2015 20:01 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

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By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 20/5/2017 02:00

Today, after having set up a date with a wonderful guy who seems to really like me, I caught a cold. I have also lost most of my voice because of it, so I now sound like an angry, deranged goose when I talk. This will be the first time he meets me in person. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By picasso - 5/2/2013 13:09 - United States

Today, I was partnered up with a girl in my art class, since the teacher had asked us to take turns drawing portraits of each other. I went first and felt pretty proud of how the drawing turned out. I showed it to her and she said "That's OK. I'm not good at drawing either." FML

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By EllieS9311 - 16/2/2016 13:16 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

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By Mariah Heimann - 15/12/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

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By hunter168647 - 2/7/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

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By Cheech - 29/6/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I left on a 2 month trip. I was in a hurry to pack so I wouldn't miss my plane. There were 2 piles of clothes on my bed. One pile was clothes that didn't fit to take to a thrift store, one was to take with me. Guess which one I brought? FML

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By Océane Léana K - 1/9/2017 01:29

Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

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By Catremorse - 1/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

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By tima - 27/6/2018 01:30

* backs away slowly *

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

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By Noname - 8/3/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML

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By peapapeanut - 15/7/2019 20:06

Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML

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By Kiki - 8/3/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:46 - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2016 04:55 - India - New Delhi

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

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By toametru1 - 9/11/2016 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

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By :/ - 30/1/2016 07:45 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

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By tay - 17/9/2013 15:44 - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By MCKilllerrr - 18/1/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

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By ohtheirony - 19/8/2018 18:30

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2015 19:11

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

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By flaggurl - 10/3/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

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By StillAVirgin - 17/10/2016 15:23 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend said, "One day I'll tell my children how I met you. I mean, our children." It's pretty cute, except for the fact that we're 17 and have been dating for only two weeks. FML

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By ctschantz - 6/10/2010 14:29 - France

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

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By dumped and dusted - 13/7/2016 17:35 - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - 21/11/2014 06:11 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2013 00:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7553451 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 6:10

Haha, well, now you know that it was called a penal colony because it was penis shaped.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7553477 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 8:08

That’s a penile colony.

Sometimes, it’s just more convenient to humor idiots than to waste your energy persuading them of the truth.

COMMENTS

By Cali | 54

#7553444 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 5:24

If you look up at the ceiling it says "gullible" in tiny letters.

By Tripartita | 44

#7553451 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 6:10

Haha, well, now you know that it was called a penal colony because it was penis shaped.

Lalala579121 | 27

#7553452 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 6:24

I thought it was because they only used pens from Alabama?

By Andrew Workman | 10

#7553455 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 6:28

Nah that’s an erectile colony

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7553459 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 6:45

One with some erectile dysfunction.

gatorclay97 | 28

#7553661 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 18:11

You tried ?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7553477 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 8:08

That’s a penile colony.

Sometimes, it’s just more convenient to humor idiots than to waste your energy persuading them of the truth.

By saffy66 | 34

#7553560 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 13:13

It would be sad enough if he just tried to convince you. That you said he actually managed to convince you is way beyond sad.

By sumocj | 14

#7553632 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 17:02

Did you two discuss the Virgin Islands?

By Talented73 | 54

#7553662 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 18:13

It's a penile colony because the guys in there are a bunch of dicks.

By Harm Varwijk | 15

#7553689 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 19:14

only a feminist believes that

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7553696 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 19:58

Well, Australia does happen to be known as the land down under...

By BaDumTsss_fml | 23

#7553799 - Wednesday 18 October 2017 1:05

Trust me, never were we called that ??