Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

There's no helping some people

Zeitgeist

By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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By really - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By xloverin - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By Fattie - Malaysia

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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By clearkim - 8/4/2021 17:00

We all grieve in our own ways

Today, it’s the anniversary of my mother’s death. My stepmom decided that since I’m not unusually sad or crying, it must mean I didn’t care that my own mom is dead, and am therefore a psychopath. Anniversaries mean nothing to me. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised how little my husband trusts me after I told him I was pregnant and the first words out of his mouth were, “Is it mine?” FML

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By Anonymous

Hello everyone!

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

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By LiveGuard - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

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By nt121511

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

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By Anonymous

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Today, my mom complained that I was being too loud, and she smacked my head really hard. All while screaming at me. FML

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By Application - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I asked my boss for a promotion. "You don't work here but I can give you a job application." I've been working here for 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 23:01

Unwanted

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

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By Clogged Nose

Smells like teen spirit of America

Today, I had to train a new guy whose body odor was killing me. After he'd left, I had to run two industry size fans to blow the stench out of my office. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

The Blob

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2am. This old man pulls in and asks me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replies, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By samdog37 - 1/12/2020 14:06

Mopping mad

Today, my brand-obsessed sister bought $200 shorts. She was cutting the tag off of them in the kitchen and left them on the counter. I went into the kitchen, poured me some coke, and spilled it all over the counter. I thought the shorts were a rag. FML

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By loner - Australia

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

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By hiii. - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

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By Jen__ - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By waterdog - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

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By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By life101 - 19/10/2020 13:56

PMS FTW

Today, I realized how emotional I get around my time of month when I cried because a cheese commercial was so "touching." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By mississippi123 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By Beefballs - Canada

Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year old uncle and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML

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By Binks - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

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By Samantha - Singapore

Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. She celebrated her birthday two months ago. She decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML

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By jess - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment after class so I threw my electric toothbrush in my backpack so I could brush my teeth before. In the middle of class the toothbrush turns on and the vibrations could be heard throughout the classroom. They yelled at me "Jess has a vibrator!" FML

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By Kjer - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my family and I were visiting an aunt. While helping my aunt to set the table, my sister remarked that from behind I look exactly like her. I reflexively blurted out "well fuck you too". Very awkward silence. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By indi1011 - Australia

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

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Top comments

By Dweron93 | 5

#4454830 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:13

Don't drop the soap

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#4454883 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

One of my exes was made into a prison bitch... NOT a pleasant experience.

COMMENTS

By Dweron93 | 5

#4454830 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:13

Don't drop the soap

Omit | 4

#4454906 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:20

Key and peele -lil Wayne in the showers hahaha

CareFace | 16

#4455209 - Saturday 19 May 2012 8:09

What if he dropped liquid soap... :o
Oh god, no... NOOOOOO!!!!!!

wowthatissad | 9

#4457162 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:02

You made me lol

tjv3 | 10

#4457238 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:57

Should have responded with "you remind me of the next person who I'm going to kill"

xJessielynx | 0

#4457588 - Sunday 20 May 2012 2:41

Made. My. Day. Lol

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#4457947 - Sunday 20 May 2012 4:31

lmao

AninOnin | 24

#6118709 - Friday 14 November 2014 18:53

@94: What's even better, "You HAD a prison bitch, or you WERE a prison bitch? Sorry, my hearing isn't too great."

By biggestfan23 | 11

#4454867 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:17

Ohhh he's gonna get ya OP

nofearjenshere | 12

#4455003 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:32

He's gunna get you in the ass.

LightningCactus | 12

#4455378 - Saturday 19 May 2012 12:44

Woah, woah, we don't know that yet.

SeaMen | 3

#4474805 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:14

Don't mind her, she's just accustomed to that phrase

By ninjafury101 | 2

#4454872 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:18

Do not drop a red sock in his white wash.

MetalxSoldier | 26

#4455241 - Saturday 19 May 2012 8:52

Screw that, put your red sock in his white clothes. I'm pretty sure he'll think it's FABULOUS! He obviously likes men and will appreciate what you've done. Plus it will go with his booty shorts!

DDDAze | 4

#4471280 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 8:38

I think you probably have the wrong idea of "white wash"

By jamesdscott44 | 6

#4454874 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:18

Give him all of your change and leave. Now.

By mhopper | 13

#4454876 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:18

Run! Screw the clothes!

yahoowizard | 16

#4455259 - Saturday 19 May 2012 9:21

Screw the clothes or get screwed

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#4454883 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

One of my exes was made into a prison bitch... NOT a pleasant experience.

stormghost | 4

#4459046 - Sunday 20 May 2012 13:43

for whom?

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4506407 - Friday 1 June 2012 2:56

Hmm?

By FYLminerocks | 7

#4454896 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

There's no love like prison love...

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4454900 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

You're hiding something from us, OP.

It's obvious that you're the prison bitch he's talking about. Time to come clean. Go on and catch up with him, damn it!