Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30388

You deserved it

2347

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Proactive

Commando

Dangling modifier

By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1884

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By nozVail - United States

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23252

You deserved it

3705

Favorite

By Chef stupid - United States - Houston

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13077

You deserved it

2495

Favorite

By adeeri - United States - Jackson

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36207

You deserved it

3208

Favorite

By titoutou222 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27418

You deserved it

18544

Favorite

By comeonnow - United States - Coldwater

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11353

You deserved it

739

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31771

You deserved it

5970

Favorite

By WiltedFlower - United States

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57111

You deserved it

6349

Favorite

By Peach - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23615

You deserved it

2148

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4826

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

'Tis the season to be jolly, falalala lala la la

Today, my mom hung her new "Christmas Clock" on the wall. It plays a different Christmas carol every hour, on the hour. It's only December 2nd and I'm already starting to understand why suicide rates sky rocket this time of year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28613

You deserved it

2867

Favorite

By Ghost - United States

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

I agree, your life sucks

43340

You deserved it

2717

Favorite

By Ihatemyjob - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37518

You deserved it

3103

Favorite

By baconman86 - United States

Today, I put my good shoes out the window and on the roof to dry out because they were sopping wet. When I went to check them later on, they were still wet. And soaked in bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12114

You deserved it

26959

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks

643

You deserved it

2058

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22103

You deserved it

2133

Favorite

By youlovewaffles

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1196

You deserved it

388

Favorite

By Alexis - United States

Today, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and told me that if I wanted to join the Lingerie Football League, I would have his approval. His drunken friends nodded in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36011

You deserved it

3214

Favorite

By smelly asses - 17/9/2020 07:50

Skidmarks

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1066

You deserved it

165

Favorite

By Rakoric

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4747

You deserved it

399

Favorite

By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26204

You deserved it

4179

Favorite

By Rebecca Palermo - 14/12/2020 11:03

Beggars can be choosers

Today, I saw a girl asking for money on the median of an entrance to a parking lot with her dog. Later, I bought a box of dog treats for her. I drove up and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes and said, "How the hell am I supposed to carry that?" I sat there in stunned disbelief with the box she refused to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks

822

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By Teaching - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44879

You deserved it

4513

Favorite

By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9742

You deserved it

754

Favorite

By Ban Hammered - United States - New York

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12307

You deserved it

852

Favorite

By humiliated - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21925

You deserved it

2322

Favorite

By letdown13 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41323

You deserved it

3448

Favorite

By mickymoose1 - 19/7/2020 02:02

Stinky

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1273

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47426

You deserved it

7057

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lewiston

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35587

You deserved it

7513

Favorite

By dibman - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27627

You deserved it

2942

Favorite

By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1797

You deserved it

301

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33830

You deserved it

7849

Favorite

By Lisa - United States - Tupelo

Today, a woman came knocking on my door. Not to sell something or to chat, no. To punch me in the mouth. Apparently, I stole her husband and I'm a homewrecker. We don't have a clue who she is. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1952

You deserved it

214

Favorite

By Jfly25

Today, while on my way to work, I had a tire blowout. I got the car towed and borrowed my mom’s so that I could still get to work. Her car seized and died on the expressway ramp. It’s not in any tow truck’s jurisdiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3979

You deserved it

283

Favorite

By LicenseLoser

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2866

You deserved it

156

Favorite

By James - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42379

You deserved it

3093

Favorite

By D - United States

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34552

You deserved it

5556

Favorite

By rescuetheduck - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33802

You deserved it

7236

Favorite

By ugh annoying - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37098

You deserved it

3957

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Dweron93 | 5

#4454830 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:13

Don't drop the soap

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#4454883 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

One of my exes was made into a prison bitch... NOT a pleasant experience.

COMMENTS

By Dweron93 | 5

#4454830 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:13

Don't drop the soap

Omit | 4

#4454906 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:20

Key and peele -lil Wayne in the showers hahaha

CareFace | 16

#4455209 - Saturday 19 May 2012 8:09

What if he dropped liquid soap... :o
Oh god, no... NOOOOOO!!!!!!

wowthatissad | 9

#4457162 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:02

You made me lol

tjv3 | 10

#4457238 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:57

Should have responded with "you remind me of the next person who I'm going to kill"

xJessielynx | 0

#4457588 - Sunday 20 May 2012 2:41

Made. My. Day. Lol

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#4457947 - Sunday 20 May 2012 4:31

lmao

AninOnin | 24

#6118709 - Friday 14 November 2014 18:53

@94: What's even better, "You HAD a prison bitch, or you WERE a prison bitch? Sorry, my hearing isn't too great."

By biggestfan23 | 11

#4454867 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:17

Ohhh he's gonna get ya OP

nofearjenshere | 12

#4455003 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:32

He's gunna get you in the ass.

LightningCactus | 12

#4455378 - Saturday 19 May 2012 12:44

Woah, woah, we don't know that yet.

SeaMen | 3

#4474805 - Thursday 24 May 2012 4:14

Don't mind her, she's just accustomed to that phrase

By ninjafury101 | 2

#4454872 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:18

Do not drop a red sock in his white wash.

MetalxSoldier | 26

#4455241 - Saturday 19 May 2012 8:52

Screw that, put your red sock in his white clothes. I'm pretty sure he'll think it's FABULOUS! He obviously likes men and will appreciate what you've done. Plus it will go with his booty shorts!

DDDAze | 4

#4471280 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 8:38

I think you probably have the wrong idea of "white wash"

By jamesdscott44 | 6

#4454874 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:18

Give him all of your change and leave. Now.

By mhopper | 13

#4454876 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:18

Run! Screw the clothes!

yahoowizard | 16

#4455259 - Saturday 19 May 2012 9:21

Screw the clothes or get screwed

By ImTheAlpha | 30

#4454883 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

One of my exes was made into a prison bitch... NOT a pleasant experience.

stormghost | 4

#4459046 - Sunday 20 May 2012 13:43

for whom?

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4506407 - Friday 1 June 2012 2:56

Hmm?

By FYLminerocks | 7

#4454896 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

There's no love like prison love...

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4454900 - Saturday 19 May 2012 6:19

You're hiding something from us, OP.

It's obvious that you're the prison bitch he's talking about. Time to come clean. Go on and catch up with him, damn it!