Miscellaneous: Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room.... - FML

By nekkiddrunk - United States

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML

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There's no helping some people

Out of it

Mom knows shit

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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By not that kinda squirting

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By ewwy - United States

Today, I returned a friends jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML

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By Iknoweverything - United States - Mankato

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me he took pictures of me while I was sleeping. Instead of it being all cute like you see on social media, there's me sleeping with his dirty-ass sock on my face and him smiling in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

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By Shut up loser!

Not her fault neither mine

Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

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By meg265 - United States

Today, I discovered that when you're the maid of honor giving a toast at your best friend's wedding, it's important to make sure the zipper on your dress is secured. Otherwise, your bare breasts and Hello Kitty panties could end up exposed to a wedding party of 600 people. FML

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By panos016 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

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By damniphone - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

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By oldmold - 23/7/2020 17:01

Extreme cooking

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

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By whoawhat - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By Ryan746 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By brittrus - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

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By purpleivy - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By no one - United States

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 05:56 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Understanding

Today, it was my dad's 60th. I was planning on calling him early, but due to a client (I'm a social worker) ending up in hospital because her husband beat her up, I couldn't call him until 2:30. My mum phoned me in tears, yelling that I was a bad daughter and obviously didn't care about my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

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By oped01 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, in a department store, a woman with a parrot sitting on her shoulder was trying to return a coffee maker. She explained that she had to return the coffee maker because the bird didn't like it sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

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By TrueStories - United States

Today, I went to a football sleepover with all of my teammates. I felt something near the bottom of my sleeping bag, and I pulled it up with my foot. My entire team watched me pull out a red thong. My parents had been on a camping trip the week before. FML

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By severely late.... again!

Today, as I got on the bus to commute to work, its front right tire exploded. Everyone, including the driver, glared at me while getting off. The next bus arrives in 2 hours. FML

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By fmymouth - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the motorcycle I paid cash for was an illegal import. My plates are canceled, I have to turn in the bike for it to be destroyed, and the seller has vanished off the face of the planet. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

My body hates me

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By ohgodwhy - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents when a sex scene came on. As if that wasn't awkward enough, they started making out on the couch behind me. FML

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By hurtsmyears - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

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By cheshirealyce - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

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By helloitsbrian6969 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

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By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

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By itswhateverr - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Mountmellick

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

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By newly passed, newly grassed - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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Top comments

By jair_lhao | 0

#773508 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:32

idiot i would have laugh at you and taken pictures to laugh at you later in life

By 24788 | 6

#773530 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:43

What's so bad about that? You were drunk and free. That's a win.

COMMENTS

By alphamalecells | 0

#773506 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:31

ydi

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1026751 - Friday 11 June 2010 1:35

at least you remember it...haha they're going to call you to the lobby and show you footage of what happened.

Reply

DamionDude | 0

#1111398 - Monday 19 July 2010 23:53

Op- I hope you pissed yourself while your at it too

By jair_lhao | 0

#773508 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:32

idiot i would have laugh at you and taken pictures to laugh at you later in life

Reply

LMAOking123 | 15

#5546613 - Saturday 22 June 2013 13:33

I would have take pictures and blackmail XD

By Shyman4ever | 0

#773520 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:36

Hahahaha you fucking idiot!

Reply

CYNNER | 0

#773834 - Thursday 14 January 2010 15:42

agreed. you are an idiot. why would you step out of your hotel room naked and why the hell would you even shut the door behind you. you deserve it if you would be that dumb

Reply

polico_wolf | 0

#774067 - Thursday 14 January 2010 18:12

they were drunk

Reply

puppytaco64 | 8

#3286279 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 4:00

29 Agreed

By _TheSmallThings_ | 0

#773521 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:37

Honestly how can anyone press the FYL button?

By Lessychan | 4

#773523 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:38

I feel a Darwin-award nomination coming up...

Reply

ForceStrike64 | 0

#774574 - Thursday 14 January 2010 22:29

Uhm.. Darwin awards are given to people who are so stupid they remove themselves from the gene pool, not just for being stupid.

Reply

fmylifelooser | 0

#774913 - Friday 15 January 2010 0:54

Darwin Awards are for people who do such stupid things that they die

Reply

flying_vegan | 0

#774936 - Friday 15 January 2010 1:09

Or at least eliminate themselves from the gene pool, thus aiding evolution.

Reply

liveloveandownit | 0

#778568 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:10

There is one man who received the Darwin Award and lived. Larry the lawnchair baloon guy. He tied the weather baloons to his lawnchair to fly it. He survived.

Reply

flying_vegan | 0

#782079 - Monday 18 January 2010 14:30

No, he just got an honourable mention. You MUST take yourself out of the gene pool in order to win an award...

By 24788 | 6

#773530 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:43

What's so bad about that? You were drunk and free. That's a win.

Reply

hottay7164 | 18

#4976821 - Thursday 27 September 2012 5:18

I like your abs. Just putting that out there.

By flying_vegan | 0

#773543 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:56

And cue a billion "YDI for drinking, this is why I never drink" responses...

By CallMeHush | 0

#773546 - Thursday 14 January 2010 10:07

Well at least you didn't have huge tube of anal lube in your hand when they found you to let you back in, did you?

No really, did you?

By heatherewf | 0

#773548 - Thursday 14 January 2010 10:09

This is why you don't step out of your hotel room naked!

By Emill_fml | 0

#773552 - Thursday 14 January 2010 10:13

jurassic FAIL! YDI for leavin nude.