Intimacy: Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/01/2017 22:00

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 655

You deserved it 9 036

Taking stock

Bodyshaming

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

By brerj09 - 28/04/2014 13:35 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 973

You deserved it 4 409

By noosher0990 - 18/02/2010 00:30

Spicy

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 810

You deserved it 2 748

By PhDdaughter - 04/12/2009 10:16 - Switzerland

Today, the electrician came because our kitchen light has been flickering. After examining the installation, he screws the lightbulb tighter in the socket. My parents both are PhDs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 311

You deserved it 8 055

By Alin - 13/09/2018 14:30

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 576

You deserved it 384

By anonymous - 05/09/2012 04:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 087

You deserved it 10 207

By off the family - 17/06/2018 20:30

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 352

You deserved it 369

By Anonymous - 27/08/2011 23:07 - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 439

You deserved it 5 605

By Anonymous - 04/07/2019 00:06

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 258

By Jello - 26/02/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 769

You deserved it 5 895

Unmissable

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 02:01

Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 152

By gabbykinz13 - 08/03/2012 21:48 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 013

You deserved it 57 049

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 944

You deserved it 3 026

By Andrew7847 - 11/01/2012 17:02 - United States

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 234

You deserved it 4 575

By oopsie - 01/05/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 814

You deserved it 341

By Anonymous - 10/08/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 733

You deserved it 16 275

By shoveless - 20/12/2016 21:08 - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 620

You deserved it 556

Great first day

By TordNorski - 03/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes into training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 757

You deserved it 1 408

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 17:24

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 878

You deserved it 50 116

By hunter168647 - 02/07/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 129

You deserved it 8 553

By Soaked - 20/05/2010 15:20 - United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 327

You deserved it 4 674

By Lissa - 14/09/2016 00:00 - United States - Baldwin

Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 680

You deserved it 945

By Anonymous - 11/03/2013 14:03 - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 435

You deserved it 3 020

By unemployed - 09/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 699

You deserved it 368

By BadatDIY - 16/11/2009 14:04 - United Kingdom

Today, the maintenance workers finally came to my apartment to fix the shower-head that kept falling off the wall. I was annoyed because they had replaced it a few weeks ago and since then, it'd been a problem. They went into my bathroom, turned the shower head around, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 941

You deserved it 27 555

By Anonymous - 15/02/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished I jokingly said, "who's going to sleep in the wet patch?". He got up and said "you're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing". It was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 208

You deserved it 4 474

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 17:48 - United Kingdom - Glenrothes

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 043

You deserved it 2 563

By rachel - 10/08/2013 20:56 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 325

You deserved it 3 814

By Anonymous - 14/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 534

You deserved it 44 477

By nobodywasthere - 12/09/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 628

You deserved it 271

* backs away slowly *

By tima - 27/06/2018 01:30

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 851

You deserved it 850

Pants on fire

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was told by my sister over the dinner table that some guy is telling people I’ve had sex with him; that’s not even the worst part. He’s telling people my sister walked in. One, I haven’t talked to him in years; two, he’s really not my type, three, I’m in a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 70

By Itsbeen8years - 05/04/2015 19:18 - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 894

You deserved it 3 852

By mooselord - 05/12/2013 17:41 - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 937

You deserved it 2 825

Kinky.

By Domo731 - 05/11/2017 13:00 - United States - Johnson City

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 289

You deserved it 4 873

By klutz - 10/08/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 813

You deserved it 56 661

By InDeepBlue - 10/09/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 399

Milkmaid

By Heifer - 16/05/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 826

You deserved it 21 292

By Anonymous - 19/03/2019 06:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after a 3-month dry spell because I am recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 493

You deserved it 213

By blushingbride - 09/02/2014 21:59 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 300

You deserved it 4 424

By Anonymous - 03/04/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 726

You deserved it 3 873

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Top comments

Youre_A_Pussy 19

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:09

I don't think babies are the magical cure to a marriage :P

karmicqueene 18

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:19

People seem to think that divorce is pretty frivolous if something like a baby is a 'sign they should stay together'. If people aren't required to get married for a child, they don't have to stay together for one. Maybe the reason for the divorce were completely justified. Human biological function doesn't override everything else.

Comments

FueledByFate 23

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

blink831forever 13

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Youre_A_Pussy 19

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:09

I don't think babies are the magical cure to a marriage :P

itssnotfunny 24

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:56

If anything, they're what will end it.

karmicqueene 18

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:19

People seem to think that divorce is pretty frivolous if something like a baby is a 'sign they should stay together'. If people aren't required to get married for a child, they don't have to stay together for one. Maybe the reason for the divorce were completely justified. Human biological function doesn't override everything else.

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:19

Irony is a beautiful thing.

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:25

Just because she's having a baby doesn't mean they'll love each other.

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:27

Probably shoulda wore a condom too.

bgbwtp 13

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Friday 27 January 2017 23:38

You don't know that they didn't. Condoms can fail, you know.

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Saturday 28 January 2017 2:56

Or he could have poked holes in the condom to make them stay together or to get revenge?

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Sunday 29 January 2017 8:54

If he did intentionally damage the condom to make it fail, (assuming that's what they used) I'm pretty sure it's illegal an considered rape by deceit in several states.

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Monday 30 January 2017 16:43

If the husband did sabotage the condom- if they used one- that could be considered rape by deception- which has very weak legal recourse for he victims despite pressure from medical organizations to recognize it as a crime. So, for OP's emotional and mental wellbeing, I hope that the condom simply failed. Because there isn't very much protection for victims of this kind of sexual assault, and they would have a hell of a time proving it since any contraceptive used is likely long gone by now.

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Friday 27 January 2017 22:27

If you don't want to have his kid...then don't...

mariri9206 32

Saturday 28 January 2017 12:19

She can want the kid and not want her soon-to-be ex. Staying together isn't an option, obviously, but neither is abortion. If SHE CHOOSES to go that route, then, yeah, it is an option and it's her choice.

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Saturday 28 January 2017 16:58

Um, is my app refusing to show that OP lives somewhere where abortion is illegal? Because unless that's the case, abortion IS an option, and a great one for women who don't want to be pregnant or be mothers. I know that, prior to getting sterilized, abortion would've been the only option for me in the event of a pregnancy whether I was partnered or not, because I have a phobia of both pregnancy and babies.

thedictator_fml 12

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Sunday 29 January 2017 11:46

They never said she should/must have an abortion. They simply stated that if she doesn't want to have his child, she shouldn't feel obligated to have it. What's wrong with that? Also, who are you to tell the OP that abortion is not an option? It's available. It's her choice whether to have one, but it IS an option, clearly.

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Friday 27 January 2017 23:12

Wow that's almost exactly what happened to my parents except they were already divorced and decided to have sex one last time. And here I am.

pjsr 32

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Saturday 28 January 2017 3:55

Glad you made it!

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Saturday 18 February 2017 19:30

That edge up tho in ur profile pic #fleek

ThongWarrior 17

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Friday 27 January 2017 23:14

Guys its 2k17, men can have babies too

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Saturday 28 January 2017 2:42

The laws of biology do not support that claim

DoomedGemini 37

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Saturday 28 January 2017 9:16

Transgender men can. Though the app seems to be fucking up genders rather than that considering the many others wrongly labeled

ThongWarrior 17

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Saturday 28 January 2017 22:00

The laws of 2k17 say don't assume and judge!

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Friday 27 January 2017 23:37

You know there thing thing that a guy is suppose to put on his penis, it called a condom and if you don't use one then there's a chance that you will get pregnant. You guys were both irresponsible and now you being pregnant is the consequence.

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Saturday 28 January 2017 1:33

Are you aware NO contraception method is 100% effective?

chirstinap325 21

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Saturday 28 January 2017 0:01

I've never understood why people do that..

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Saturday 28 January 2017 1:04

You mean have sex? Well, it feels pretty good :)

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Saturday 28 January 2017 3:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

sweetpotato301 7

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Saturday 28 January 2017 12:42

Speak for yourself. Sex feels amazing for me... way better than masturbation.

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Saturday 28 January 2017 16:23

I am speaking for myself. what I just said was an opinion. That's why I said "I don't"

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 35

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 67

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 639

You deserved it 715