Intimacy: Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's... - FML

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Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

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Call the cops

Ran out

#1 Mom of the Year

By halitosis - United States - Compton

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By AsianSensation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

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By pissedoffandon - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

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By angry mama

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By Tor - United States

Today, I was in class and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to scream and cry because the pain was horrible, so the teacher called 911. After being rushed to the hospital, I was told that "I had gas cramps and would be fine." My whole class was listening on speakerphone to make sure I was ok. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By Stella Grubner

Today, I chose a cute tank top and some shorts to wear. Later, I was shopping at Target with my dad when he pointed to a girl in the same isle and said to me, "Don't ever dress like that. It looks cute on her, but you couldn't pull it off." She was wearing shorts and a tank top. FML

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By jen - United States

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

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By anonomus - United States

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML

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By katiebabby - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

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By okay then - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By AngrySon - United States

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

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By representative

Today, I was let go without warning at work. Why? Because my boss saw some comments I'd posted. Nothing I'd said was offensive or controversial, but he said he didn't care, because he didn't agree with it and didn't want me to "smear" the company name. I represent the company? I just serve coffee. FML

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By Failed_Dad - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By penpendesrapen - Philippines

Sink-dodger alert!

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

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By Ah piss - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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By sunshinexx - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

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By grovage - United States

Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl

Today, my boyfriend finally answered my Snapchats. He was laying on a bed with purple pillows and sheets. His are gray. FML

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By rutho - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By minimoonpie - Australia

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By Vandrefalk - Norway

Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hills

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

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By Badab1ng - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By ScorpioQueen - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:02

Mondegreens

Today, I was interviewing a potential candidate for a job opportunity. He started the conversation by saying that he was having a weird day because his friend just got married. To which I responded, “Oh, fun!” He'd actually said that his friend got murdered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

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Top comments

By Youre_A_Pussy | 19

#7399004 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:09

I don't think babies are the magical cure to a marriage :P

By karmicqueene | 18

#7399022 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:19

People seem to think that divorce is pretty frivolous if something like a baby is a 'sign they should stay together'. If people aren't required to get married for a child, they don't have to stay together for one. Maybe the reason for the divorce were completely justified. Human biological function doesn't override everything else.

COMMENTS

By FueledByFate | 23

#7398984 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By blink831forever | 13

#7398992 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Youre_A_Pussy | 19

#7399004 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:09

I don't think babies are the magical cure to a marriage :P

Reply

itssnotfunny | 24

#7399080 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:56

If anything, they're what will end it.

By karmicqueene | 18

#7399022 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:19

People seem to think that divorce is pretty frivolous if something like a baby is a 'sign they should stay together'. If people aren't required to get married for a child, they don't have to stay together for one. Maybe the reason for the divorce were completely justified. Human biological function doesn't override everything else.

By reddevil7 | 1

#7399023 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:19

Irony is a beautiful thing.

By yahuie | 4

#7399029 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:25

Just because she's having a baby doesn't mean they'll love each other.

Reply

yahuie | 4

#7399032 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:27

Probably shoulda wore a condom too.

Reply

bgbwtp | 13

#7399140 - Friday 27 January 2017 23:38

You don't know that they didn't. Condoms can fail, you know.

Reply

Catdragon | 40

#7399311 - Saturday 28 January 2017 2:56

Or he could have poked holes in the condom to make them stay together or to get revenge?

By jdizz16 | 16

#7399033 - Friday 27 January 2017 22:27

If you don't want to have his kid...then don't...

Reply

mariri9206 | 32

#7399548 - Saturday 28 January 2017 12:19

She can want the kid and not want her soon-to-be ex. Staying together isn't an option, obviously, but neither is abortion. If SHE CHOOSES to go that route, then, yeah, it is an option and it's her choice.

By midnightm16 | 24

#7399106 - Friday 27 January 2017 23:12

Wow that's almost exactly what happened to my parents except they were already divorced and decided to have sex one last time. And here I am.

Reply

pjsr | 32

#7399340 - Saturday 28 January 2017 3:55

Glad you made it!

Reply

mamallama22 | 9

#7412636 - Saturday 18 February 2017 19:30

That edge up tho in ur profile pic #fleek

By ThongWarrior | 17

#7399107 - Friday 27 January 2017 23:14

Guys its 2k17, men can have babies too

Reply

Arashikage | 18

#7399306 - Saturday 28 January 2017 2:42

The laws of biology do not support that claim

By jcash52426 | 5

#7399139 - Friday 27 January 2017 23:37

You know there thing thing that a guy is suppose to put on his penis, it called a condom and if you don't use one then there's a chance that you will get pregnant. You guys were both irresponsible and now you being pregnant is the consequence.

Reply

Limeila | 10

#7399268 - Saturday 28 January 2017 1:33

Are you aware NO contraception method is 100% effective?

By chirstinap325 | 21

#7399171 - Saturday 28 January 2017 0:01

I've never understood why people do that..

Reply

Menzik3 | 1

#7399236 - Saturday 28 January 2017 1:04

You mean have sex? Well, it feels pretty good :)

Reply

Catdragon | 40

#7399317 - Saturday 28 January 2017 3:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

sweetpotato301 | 7

#7399568 - Saturday 28 January 2017 12:42

Speak for yourself. Sex feels amazing for me... way better than masturbation.

Reply

Catdragon | 40

#7399693 - Saturday 28 January 2017 16:23

I am speaking for myself. what I just said was an opinion. That's why I said "I don't"