Health: Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap.... - FML

By dinosaur - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

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Dangling modifier

BO Central

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

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By godzilllla - United States - Bothell

Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By bethanygirl - United States

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

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By pandaface - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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By Brittanyy_leigh - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got a targeted YouTube ad that was intended for someone who owns a graveyard plot. Glad to know my watching habits match those of an undertaker's. FML

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By horny21 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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By shield1123 - United States

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

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By lolzor - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

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By Roasted Marshmallows

A sand castle

Today, I took a DNA test and it turns out that the person who I thought was my dad is not my actual dad and my real dad is his best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

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By "leahkasscar"

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By lotd - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

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By thanksbabe - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

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By asdfasdf - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML

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By LosTits - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By Anonymous

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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By Dweeb

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

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By Lyn - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

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By dearbailee - United States

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By whoababy55 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

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By thanksmom - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

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By don't pray, PAY

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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By Sad - 3/1/2021 11:01

Tock follow tick follows tock…

Today, after my grandfather died a month ago, my grandmother had a massive stroke. I have a sinus infection but had to be tested for Covid. I need it to show negative so I can say goodbye to the most influential woman in my life. I don’t know that results will be back in time. FML

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By Tanisha Skye Regeling - 11/6/2020 23:02

Night terrors

Today, I woke up with a headache and a bruised forehead after my husband full-force elbowed me in the head last night in his sleep. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact he has zero memory of doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the way to traffic court for a $340 speeding ticket I'd got. My mother called me and I wasn't paying attention which caused me to speed. Right past a cop. When I told the cop where I was going, he started laughing at me. I now have another $300 ticket. FML

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By Sarcasmo - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

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By youshitme - Australia

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By sharon - United States

Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML

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By mrjude

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my co-worker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML

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Top comments

By Dejaay | 2

#1951480 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:09

Wow, where did you find this guy, clumsy.com?

By disco2466 | 8

#1951458 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:05

hope you atleast punched him back for it

COMMENTS

By disco2466 | 8

#1951458 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:05

hope you atleast punched him back for it

Reply

shtoof | 7

#6092509 - Saturday 18 October 2014 12:06

Naaaa it's deserving of at least a dropkick to the face

By josieB666 | 0

#1951463 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:06

hah!

By Dejaay | 2

#1951480 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:09

Wow, where did you find this guy, clumsy.com?

Reply

Phustercluck | 11

#1951518 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:15

Holy shit that's a good one!

By yeahiknow0 | 0

#1951490 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:11

Fail! :P

By hadi_brown | 0

#1951502 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:13

lmao hard luck... FYL

By 122333 | 0

#1951504 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:13

ha good one #3. well sucks to be you.

By Insane_Tea | 15

#1951525 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:17

He's a keeper! ;)

By Iwantskittles | 0

#1951580 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:30

dump him!

Reply

ICaughtFire | 4

#1951637 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:51

If course, because that's the solution for every boyfriend related FML. Duh. -.-

By Yes_I_Own_It | 0

#1951611 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:42

At least he didn't bust your poop sack! what?you guys don't have poop sacks??? Bonnie!!!!!! :)

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1951685 - Monday 10 January 2011 17:07

What a klutz