Intimacy: Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our...

By Anonymous - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

It never rains, it pours

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

By NoTypeOfExercise - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By Alex - New Zealand

Congratulations!

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously, until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

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By little_star78 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

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By Mikabe - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

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By jayden5 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

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By KJS - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

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By twnty1 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

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By I_Has_A_Fishy - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

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By aligator1009 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML

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By Vince - Canada

Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

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By jm_track - United States

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

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By hannahnator - 2/12/2020 07:04 - United States - Racine

Hellworld

Today, it's the first day of our 2-week quarantine. Today, my 3 year-old also discovered Blippi. FML

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By Rosie

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By Anonn - Australia

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML

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By ouch - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

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By Mr. Unlucky - United States - Woodbridge

Anti-Dad

Today, after suffering a severe brain injury and receiving a large amount of money from the lawsuit for physical and mental rehab, I found out that my dad stole it all and spent it on himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML

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By DangerZone - United States

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

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By wet and sad

Completely soaking

Today, I was walking to work when it was starting to pour down sideways. I was pretty early anyway, so, I decided to duck into a bus shelter and let it pass. Suddenly, a big truck comes and drenched me with the biggest puddle. Soaking from head to toe. FML

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By pinchy - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

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By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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By Fraser - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

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By Matei - Romania - Bucharest

Red tape

Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML

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By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By waiting till marriage, she said - United States - Pasadena

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

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By x - Canada

Today, I spent 65 dollars in cab fare and skipped half of my grade 12 classes, including a unit test, to see my girlfriend on our two year anniversary. I arrived just in time to see her kiss her other boyfriend of over a year good bye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

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By S4L - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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Top comments

By mamallama22 | 9

#7431063 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 14:02

Shower buddy :)

By Konarika | 11

#7431071 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 14:31

There's no bathroom or anything? Even if you can't have any privacy, not masturbating for a few weeks won't kill you

COMMENTS

By mamallama22 | 9

#7431063 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 14:02

Shower buddy :)

By Konarika | 11

#7431071 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 14:31

There's no bathroom or anything? Even if you can't have any privacy, not masturbating for a few weeks won't kill you

species4872 | 19

#7431225 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 18:57

Unless you're 4 years old.

species4872 | 19

#7431226 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 18:59

For fucks sake, can you's fix it so replies go under the correct comment?

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#7431072 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 14:32

Do you not shower?

By azouwa | 26

#7431084 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 14:42

I wonder if he is thinking the same thing about you...

By sousaphonist | 14

#7431102 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 15:19

You got a good imagination? Go to the bathroom, let your favorite porno play in your head, do it there.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7431110 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 15:43

1. Check into a hotel
2. Jack off
3. Put your pants back on
4. Tell the front desk that you saw a rat in your room.
5. Get a refund and leave.

neverfind | 20

#7431302 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 21:27

XD Smart

raihothunder15 | 3

#7432041 - Friday 31 March 2017 6:43

That's good one! ?

By mattrd_fml | 31

#7431126 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 16:17

Try the bathroom?

By kisapupcutie | 7

#7431176 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 17:29

just jack off in front of them maybe then they will leave lol its your room too

daengh | 15

#7431337 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 22:37

...and hold eye contact while you're doing it...

By HoboMeth | 32

#7431216 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 18:46

Mark your territory

By Duke_caleb | 7

#7431259 - Wednesday 29 March 2017 19:58

Ever heard of a bathroom?