Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Our house, in the middle of our street

Left behind

By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

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By ChocoMilkManG - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

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By Donewithit - United States - San Francisco

Today, my class was called to the auditorium. We were told that some asshat proctor took a picture of our testing room during out test and posted it on Facebook. Someone noticed that according to the rules, we were sitting too close to each other, so now we have to retake the whole test. FML

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By maddiecat - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I saw Les Misérables. I was singing along to one of the songs when the guy next to me dumped his soda over my head and told me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous

Alone

Today, I was feeling really down and decided to text a friend to vent to someone about it. Then I realized, I don’t have any friends. FML

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By SAM - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

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By scared-straight - United States

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

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By forgetful - United States - Los Angeles

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

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By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By broke_otaku - United States

Caught

Today, my boyfriend asked me to sniff his armpit to see if he was the one who smelled. I did because we are that comfortable with us. After a couple of sniffs I heard laughter. I forgot I was sitting in his living room and his family was watching me the whole time. I am now the BO finder. FML

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By Janice

RIP in peace

Today, while working as a bank teller, a woman came in with a $100k check. I commented, "Wow, I really could do with one of these!" She responded, "It's a life insurance check. I'd rather have my son back," and teared up in front of me. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By leanne - 16/12/2020 17:58 - United States - Denver

Seasons greetings to you too

Today, I said hi to my coworker and she immediately yelled, "Get your gross unwashed hands out of my face!" I wash my hands compulsively and they were nowhere near her face. FML

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By moudly - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

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By Kan23 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

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By [email protected]

Just in case

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By ants9omarching - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

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By Bad sibling

Today, as planned, my dad confirmed that he would be flying up to visit me for the weekend. Not planned, however, was that my whiny and high-maintenance sister invited herself along too. There's no way I can dis-invite her without offending my dad. FML

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By Jjh99q - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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By Somethingtoworryabout

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:01

Mix and match

Today, as I was getting ready for church, I couldn't decide between my black or white shoes. I put one of each on, then my son started crying. Fast forward, I'm at church, I look down and I'm wearing one white shoe and one black shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I woke up and called my boyfriend. We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was home and we didn't have to be quiet. Afterwards, I walk out into the kitchen. My mum hadn't gone to work that morning. FML

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By culodegrillo - Spain

Today, a woman approached me in the street and slapped me, ranting about how I stole her man. I don't even know her man, or her, and I live over a thousand miles away in Scotland. I'm back in town for the first time since my childhood to attend a wedding. FML

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By Gabi - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By jennag5 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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By SphereMaiden

Today, after ignoring me for about a week, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. Why? He discovered that I use prescription deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

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By avanti - United States

Today, I was studying for a midterm, so I put my computer on the side of my desk to make more room for my books. My roommate came in while I wasn't paying attention and tackle-hugged me from behind - I fell over, knocking my computer out the window. I live on the 8th floor. FML

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By spiderwoman - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By HELP - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

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By notestojenn - United States - Manchester

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

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By StephiLynn - United States - Hibbing

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

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Top comments

By tehhotness | 0

#55711 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

Your grandpa rules

By McZeal | 0

#55749 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:24

grandpa's a pimp

COMMENTS

By Jasper_fml | 0

#55706 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

rawrlily | 0

#2676371 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 4:29

Nah, they're awesome.

Reply

DarksideDoll | 31

#5950198 - Monday 19 May 2014 18:59

Awesome grandpa is awesome.

Reply

Benpie | 22

#6539480 - Wednesday 17 February 2016 20:56

69 dislikes

By neonoodle | 0

#55708 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

If it was my grandpa, he would've called your boyfriend gay.

Reply

lolx7 | 5

#2413427 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 2:09

yeah really! I mean personally I would be peeing myself with laughter

By tehhotness | 0

#55711 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

Your grandpa rules

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#971666 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 5:44

Grandpa WIN!!!!

Reply

kiltsaresexy | 4

#987919 - Monday 3 May 2010 9:16

I agree. That is the coolest line from a grandpa ever.

Reply

wiggz1990 | 0

#1006942 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 16:24

awesome grandpa ,,, but sorry about ur dad

By Erinx3 | 0

#55712 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

Oh, my God. Hahaha. That would've been me. I hope your father knows it's a joke (Well, for his sake. ;) )

By JackTheRipper_fml | 0

#55715 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:11

atleast your grandpa has a great sense of humor

By gregthestrange | 3

#55732 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:16

hehehe

By ghadir | 2

#55738 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:19

wait i dont get it...can someone explain that...?

Reply

titanic12beth | 0

#1487607 - Saturday 2 October 2010 21:16

ever heard the phrase "eating someone out"?

By Anonymus101 | 4

#55739 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:20

Now her father is going to be following her all around for the next few weeks. This is definitely a FML.

By victimofchanges | 0

#55740 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:20

Today my daughter invited her boyfriend over to dinner, but due to a recent tongue piercing he was unable to eat anything. Upon hearing this my father said to her boyfriend, "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." when I confronted him about it later all he had to say was "At least she won't get pregnant!" FML

Reply

TuxedoBento | 1

#325675 - Sunday 21 June 2009 4:48

Please... stop... that. It's not funny.

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#55741 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:20

#7. As in eating=eating out. Grandpa thinks that they'll get it on