Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed...

By Anonymous - 1/5/2011 05:36 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed and asked me to pick him up from the bar. Being a loving girlfriend I drive the 45 minutes; when I get there his friend informs me he left about 45 minutes ago. FML

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Love

Headache

Higher standards

Minefield

By officeditz - 4/6/2015 01:59 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2014 21:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 25/3/2020 05:15

Confinement is rough

Today, my mother is snoring so loud that I can still hear her with the door shut and with earplugs in. So much for sleep. FML

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By erectioninfection - 1/5/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By Soaked - 20/5/2010 15:20 - United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

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By charlieg9 - 30/8/2013 12:33 - United States - East Meadow

Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML

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By dac5 - 12/4/2020 05:00

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By ziatenaj - 15/10/2010 10:52 - United States

Today, at work, I was trying to repeat an order back to this guy, when his drunk girlfriend started to interrupt me. Whenever I would open my mouth, she would say "Blah blah blah." Literally. Eventually, I gave up. I got his order wrong, and got yelled at by my manager for not repeating his order. FML

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By nick - 28/1/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

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By tbw - 12/1/2012 00:31 - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

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By Violated - 9/12/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 04:00 - Canada

I'm a weirdo, I'm a creep

Today, I was sitting behind some bushes in the dark enjoying the view, when some cops came and confiscated my night-vision goggles, then warned me for acting like a "creepy perv." FML

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By Drew - 26/4/2016 02:21 - United States - Newark

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

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By sickofsick - 30/12/2010 03:11 - United States

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

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By mel - 25/3/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

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By natalieeee - 18/3/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By happyturtle - 1/9/2013 09:57 - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

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By fisherman - 23/1/2010 10:12 - United States

Today, I went fishing with friends looking to catch big redfish. During the trip, one of the men caught a 50 pound monster which I put away. At the end of the trip they wanted to take a picture with it. I went to wash off the fish in the water. Apparently the fish wasn't dead and swam away. FML

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By Charlie - 8/9/2009 10:46 - Australia

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

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By Miguel - 20/8/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

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By embarrassed - 26/5/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, while driving I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

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By vw - 20/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By johnnydoe6969 - 20/11/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2010 21:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to everyone, including my cable guy, that I'm moving back in with my parents. FML

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By cass - 10/5/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By Jonnyboo - 29/8/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

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By disappointed - 23/7/2012 01:05

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was celebrating my birthday when my friend gave me a chocolate as a gift. I wasn't suspecting anything and ate about half of it before I noticed something strange. It turned out there were some kind of worms living in it and the chocolate was about a year after the expiration date. I got sick. FML

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By walken away - 25/6/2020 23:00

Nice choice

Today I had the dirtiest, kinkiest, most vividly realistic sex dream of my life. I was getting it on with Christopher Walken. FML

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By UnhappyLips - 16/12/2016 09:43

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

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By mommy_issues - 29/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

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By anonymous - 16/2/2015 12:57 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

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By littl3storm - 1/6/2020 17:00

Sick burn

Today, while sitting an at home university exam, I started getting period cramps. I decided to use a heat patch to help. I left it on for the allotted time, but when I took it off, it peeled my skin off and burnt the surrounding skin. I'm now burnt AND still experiencing cramps. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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By alpine75 - 3/5/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

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Top comments

By marmlr339 | 14

#2438450 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:28

How rude!

By ambowew | 7

#2438482 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:42

He got tempted by the gay bar next door, sorry.

COMMENTS

By marmlr339 | 14

#2438450 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:28

How rude!

Slice_of_Life_fml | 0

#2438524 - Sunday 1 May 2011 13:09

It doesn't matter how I see it, but anytime I see or hear "how rude"...I get instant flashbacks of Stephanie on Full House.

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2438577 - Sunday 1 May 2011 13:59

Bob Saget!!!

ThogTheCaveman | 7

#2438687 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:48

Jar Jar... please, kill me now.

Kn0wledge123 | 21

#2438786 - Sunday 1 May 2011 15:32

^^You got it, dude.

Hide_Yo_Kids | 0

#2438866 - Sunday 1 May 2011 16:06

Have Mercy!

aquariusangel420 | 0

#2438876 - Sunday 1 May 2011 16:14

Next boyfriend please that's not right you deserve someone sooooooo much better FUCK THAT WASTE!!!

mozeltov | 7

#2439014 - Sunday 1 May 2011 16:55

^please, grammar was invented for a reason.

hagenmat000 | 0

#2439059 - Sunday 1 May 2011 17:21

look at his pic, he's a dumbass

littlemissFYL | 5

#2439108 - Sunday 1 May 2011 17:45

^^ it smells like ..WOOD!

breakofdawn1 | 0

#2440280 - Sunday 1 May 2011 21:57

that's funny

Predental | 5

#2441037 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:13

BEAT his ass

My_Name_Sucks | 2

#2463330 - Thursday 5 May 2011 14:40

LOL

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3902173 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 7:14

Lol #17 your so awesome

By techweed | 12

#2438456 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:35

Word of Advice:GO FUCK YOURSELF

leeshxx | 3

#2438623 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:21

word of advice for you. don't make stupid fucking comments for attention. retard

agsilver | 14

#2438662 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:39

take your own advice tech"weed addicted"

fisheatsbear | 6

#2438719 - Sunday 1 May 2011 15:07

now hold on here, no need to be harsh. I'm sure techweed means it in the best way possible.

By YacL | 15

#2438459 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:36

Prank call status: Success. But seriously though, that was pretty shitty of him.

By ragzy | 7

#2438466 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:38

FYL OP, can't say I'm not slightly amused though as this spinds like something I would have done when younger. I just hope he's sorry!

ragzy | 7

#2438474 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:39

*sounds

By flyingdonuts | 1

#2438471 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:39

fifth!

RaineLee | 5

#2438526 - Sunday 1 May 2011 13:11

Nobody gives a flying fuck.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2438557 - Sunday 1 May 2011 13:41

Damn, that's a harsh one.

fisheatsbear | 6

#2438611 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:11

*tosses donuts in the rain while listening to heavy metal*

ragzy | 7

#2438621 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:21

please let me know if I'm getting on the wrong side of you Raine!!

leeshxx | 3

#2438627 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:23

so this cryout for attention of fifth should be changed into something a bit more interesting. sirin I'm looking at you :)

Kn0wledge123 | 21

#2438790 - Sunday 1 May 2011 15:34

{comment moderated}

Hide_Yo_Kids | 0

#2438868 - Sunday 1 May 2011 16:08

43 did you just moderate yourself?

Kn0wledge123 | 21

#2438993 - Sunday 1 May 2011 16:47

{answer moderated}

RaineLee | 5

#2439360 - Sunday 1 May 2011 18:53

Guys, I was trying to make my comment match #5's username.

By ambowew | 7

#2438482 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:42

He got tempted by the gay bar next door, sorry.

By ZTD09 | 2

#2438489 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:43

Did he make up for it in bed?

By miserypoison | 13

#2438501 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:48

that's not the way the cookie is suppose to crumble..

CookieCrazy | 8

#2438582 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:00

They will all crumble eventually.

iLazy | 0

#2438654 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:38

Not unless it gets soaked in water or milk, then eaten in one bite

BugsBunny1 | 4

#2442962 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:36

Now iLazy, let's think about this. No matter how you eat it, you will never shit out a cookie whole. That being said, I think it's safe to assume that the cookie will always crumble.

BugsBunny1 | 4

#2442964 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:36

Now iLazy, let's think about this. No matter how you eat it, you will never shit out a cookie whole. That being said, I think it's safe to assume that the cookie will always crumble.

By thebestof1984 | 0

#2438503 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:49

So much for being a loving girlfriend!

By xtacticalswarmx | 0

#2438506 - Sunday 1 May 2011 12:51

At least you tried. But so much for being the loving girlfriend that you are. I would appreciate if my girlfriend was that way. On another note, why wasn't he with you, or vice versa?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#2439264 - Sunday 1 May 2011 18:30

Two people in a relationship don't need to be together all of the time.

xtacticalswarmx | 0

#2455348 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 3:11

....When did this come about? I thought two people in a relationship were ALWAYS supposed to be together? -.- Thank you so much, for pointing out my ignorance.