Love: Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to... - FML

By lhazel - 17/09/2015 02:36 - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. He said he wanted to be a bartender, and single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 181

You deserved it 2 065

Own it

Taking stock

Keep up!

Good impressions last

By icarlypoop - 11/04/2020 23:00

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 170

You deserved it 435

By ahhhboys - 27/11/2010 19:12 - Romania

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 489

You deserved it 6 230

By brittaneejanex - 02/06/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 666

You deserved it 4 613

Lonely

By GinaD - 02/05/2021 11:01

Today, my friend got an engagement ring. She’s been with her boyfriend for 2 years and it started as a one-night stand. Whenever I have one-night stands, the only thing I get is left on "read". FML

I agree, your life sucks 405

You deserved it 647

Don't mind me

By everyonewasstaring - 22/12/2009 23:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 513

You deserved it 4 325

By bloated - 04/11/2016 02:46 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 760

You deserved it 2 503

By BroadcitySF - 28/02/2016 03:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 472

You deserved it 1 611

By highleyj - 01/04/2009 08:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 107

You deserved it 19 886

By SillyScotsman - 24/06/2013 18:49 - United Kingdom - Hamilton

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 940

You deserved it 7 577

Awkward small talk

By I Feel Horrible - 20/07/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 076

You deserved it 9 427

By toothfairy - 26/06/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 631

You deserved it 2 968

By Aiaiii - 03/06/2010 07:55 - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 431

You deserved it 36 671

By Clive81 - 17/02/2015 20:02 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 270

You deserved it 10 229

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 07:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 175

You deserved it 18 532

By Anonymous - 28/01/2011 17:00 - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 835

You deserved it 4 600

By jackass - 13/04/2009 10:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 832

You deserved it 82 519

By alphabetman - 14/09/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 864

You deserved it 6 763

Dogs 4 Life

By RIPFelicity - 21/08/2021 00:01

Today, my boss wrote me up for appearing "depressing" to customers. I told her that I was upset because my dog had to be put down yesterday. She told me, "Aw that’s sad. But guess what? That dog ain’t gonna pay your bills and put bread on your table. So cut the emo crap or you’re fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 204

By InnocenceBlue - 01/08/2019 12:00

Today, as always, my mother hates my life choices. Particularly my hair for some reason. As she's always whinging about it being dyed blonde, I dyed it back to my natural colour again to appease her, and stop the constant bullying. She hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 640

You deserved it 182

By Fucked - 16/01/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 526

You deserved it 40 715

By catlover - 20/05/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 490

You deserved it 52 432

By Christopher Tobler - 26/04/2019 20:00 - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 436

By jeremyr5678 - 18/07/2016 23:02

Today, I was at a really big party and everyone was showing off by flipping into the pool one by one. When it was my go, I attempted a back flip, cracked my head open on the side of the pool, and was rushed to hospital. Now everyone hates me cause the party was forced to shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 554

You deserved it 4 525

By smh - 27/06/2013 23:37 - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 358

You deserved it 3 971

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 04:29 - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 925

You deserved it 2 871

By omnomnom - 05/02/2011 00:29 - Canada

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 783

You deserved it 7 927

By Anonymous - 07/04/2017 04:00

Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 510

You deserved it 661

By CaptainFluffyPaw - 29/06/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 707

You deserved it 1 853

Messy

By fiat850 - 09/05/2020 17:00

Today, I had two accidents in my car: one when a truck drove into its rear end, the other immediately after when my own rear end released its load onto the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 143

Sharing is caring

By blackrose - 08/08/2021 02:01

Today, I ran into an old friend of mine at the store. All was going fine, until she showed me her new fiancé. My now ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 73

By sissydlk - 02/12/2010 15:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 142

You deserved it 10 333

By j0j0 - 15/01/2009 16:00 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 671

You deserved it 3 816

Looking cool

By Anonymous - 18/05/2014 04:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 745

You deserved it 6 067

By Joel - 02/09/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 047

You deserved it 6 251

You snooze, you lose

By Jaymail - 17/05/2020 17:00

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 479

Wakey wakey

By DanJames24 - 24/05/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Southsea

Today, my flatmate woke me up early, saying there was a fire and we had to evacuate. Barely awake, she practically dragged me downstairs and got to the front door. Once we got there, she opened the front door, kneed me in the nuts and pushed me out, locking it behind her. I was only in boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 033

You deserved it 132

Holy smokes

By Anonymous - 24/07/2021 18:01

Today, I’m down to my last, partially snapped cigarette. I carefully taped it back together, enough for at least half a smoke. I then snapped it completely while opening the door to go outside and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 1 106

By now sharing the blessing - 21/11/2018 23:00 - United States - New York

Today, while battling a severe flu, I was forced to come to work by my manager. Upon arrival, I discovered that a colleague he likes who should be covering for me is out today. The reason? Her shoes hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 074

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 05/03/2011 05:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 029

You deserved it 5 549

By metallifreak44 - 14/11/2011 13:37 - Canada

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 963

You deserved it 3 715

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Top comments

Cads1 24

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:03

Lucky for you, guys never really grow up.

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:11

I'd be such an alcoholic if I dated a bartender.

Comments

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:02

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd then you dumped him right ??

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:59

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we have that "dump him" comment that has almost become a ritual on FML....

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Thursday 17 September 2015 12:21

Almost? It definitely is set in stone.

derangedplanet 23

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Thursday 17 September 2015 12:41

while this may be true of being set in stone it's kinda a have to now. like a magic trick, *poof she made all your dreams come true...or just the one.*

Cads1 24

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:03

Lucky for you, guys never really grow up.

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Thursday 17 September 2015 12:26

That's sexist towards men

derangedplanet 23

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Thursday 17 September 2015 12:44

It's also for the most part true. however, it's the type of people that don't grow up. not the gender. so as to say, some people got that growing up shit down. some people would much rather drink and smoke pot thier whole life and thats okay too. but its not growing up really. this man clearly belongs to the latter type of people who do not

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Thursday 17 September 2015 15:51

#22 How the hell can you tell that "This man clearly belong to the latter type of person" If the only thing you know about him are: 1. He is male 2. He wants to be a bartender 3. He has a slight sense of humour.

momof3honeybee 13

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Thursday 17 September 2015 16:37

Some men's toys just get bigger and some men grow up.

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Thursday 17 September 2015 17:29

So true though.

derangedplanet 23

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Thursday 17 September 2015 21:53

People don't usually want to be a bartender when they plan to grow up? it's the dream job for someone who wants to get women and have discounted alcohol. it's an overall fun job. and in my opinion. I don't like the people who "grow up" who the hell wants to be near an accountant?

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:05

Well he's gonna go far in life...

dca101 23

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:07

You can help him out with that by dumping his ass.

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:09

You can grant him his second wish right now.

llama_monicz 21

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:10

Make it a reality

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:11

I'd be such an alcoholic if I dated a bartender.

sandhusaurous 6

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Thursday 17 September 2015 20:46

And fat...oh wait

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:14

make his dream a reality.

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:27

Everyone here is saying that OP should dump him... I think that's his way of dumping OP. He just made it a lot easier.

moodyreallyrocks 27

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:37

That was a very astute remark..

jizzyinmypants 8

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Thursday 17 September 2015 11:35

haha im more impressed that this shit made it through moderation

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 129

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 44