Love: Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said,...

By storyofmylife - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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Love

Our house, in the middle of our street

Stealth dog

Freak Scene

By Fatnotpregnant

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:58 - United States - Edison

Booze don't cure the blues

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

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714

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By Anonymous - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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By Anonyme

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By Richie - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint. She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12-inch ham sub. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

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By Jim - Belgium

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

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By blargggggg - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a company I interviewed with three weeks ago. They didn't mention giving my $200 portfolio back. Guess I'll keep using my 4-year degree to wait tables. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By A.L.Woody - United States

You IDIOT

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By Robert - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

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By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

Don't dick around with those guys

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so disgusted by my own body, I took a shower in the dark so I wouldn't have to look at myself. FML

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By sister of an angry nerd

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

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By SURPRISE - Canada

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was doing a little victory jig after finally sending out the last of the invitation cards for my wedding when I realised that I had forgotten to put the date of the event on them. FML

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By cannabis_this420 - United States

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So, I was a smart ass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

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By yum yogurt - United States

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

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By Her - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By Darren - 31/8/2020 04:01 - Australia - Greenacre

MVP

Today, during my second shift back at work after missing 4 weeks for knee surgery, I stabbed myself in the hand and now need 3 weeks off for that surgery. Just as I'm up for a promotion. FML

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By That guy - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

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By Embarrassed wife

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

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By Lo_Bolian - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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By fmlifetime - United States

Delusional

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year-old man with a beer belly. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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By Richmond24 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

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By meepdaleap - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

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By Brad

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By poor - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By AddictiveAddicted - United States - Denver

Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML

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Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

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By Husband

Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML

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Top comments

By CARCA55 | 12

#6316144 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:43

Relationships: you're doing it wrong

By AyeJay101 | 25

#6316150 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:46

Wow, do you know who we think the biggest douche in the world is currently?

That guy.

COMMENTS

By kost4060 | 14

#6316143 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:43

I hope he was joking cause no one would say that to their girlfriends face unless he's hinting he wants to break up

Steve97 | 32

#6316171 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:56

This is fml lots of dummies in relationships here :p

devildog562 | 33

#6316172 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:57

Joking or not that's a dick move. It's one thing to appreciate another woman , but for god sakes, do it respectfully, or at bare minimum quietly .

PDSot | 21

#6480748 - Wednesday 9 December 2015 7:15

my ex sent me a picture of this youtuber while we were dating and said she was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen

By CARCA55 | 12

#6316144 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:43

Relationships: you're doing it wrong

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6316148 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:45

At least he is honest, still weird to say that out of the blue. Anyway, looks aren't everything. If he still loves you, it shouldn't matter that much.

wantmeasandwich | 26

#6316161 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:51

If looks aren't everything then why is he saying that to her?

By AyeJay101 | 25

#6316150 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:46

Wow, do you know who we think the biggest douche in the world is currently?

That guy.

By camilax3 | 15

#6316153 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:47

Do the same thing to him. Lets see how that makes him feel.

Jashie | 18

#6316519 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 21:43

I'm guessing he'd be alright with it. Most guys don't assume to be the best looking person to their boyfriend or girlfriend

rocketiquette | 20

#6316788 - Thursday 11 June 2015 3:45

Thaaaaat's totally not immature or anything, and will absolutely solve the problem. Props.

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6316156 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:50

he must have been trying to trick you

ShowMeKay | 20

#6316767 - Thursday 11 June 2015 3:22

Not sure why you're getting down voted, I thought the same. It seems like he was setting up OP to think it was her, only to make her feel bad by showing someone else. Sounds like a prick.

By Soniarita | 18

#6316158 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:50

......And he still chose you! still a shitty thing to say to a significant other tho.

By Madsun11 | 14

#6316159 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:50

Thats absolutely terrible. Im so sorry OP, even as a joke, thats not cool to say. That kind of thing never leaves a girls head.

By WCARlover | 34

#6316165 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:52

I'm curious if guys who say these things just never want to get laid again or...?

By Llama24 | 14

#6316166 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 15:53

Some people suck

Booze don't cure the blues

You IDIOT

Don't dick around with those guys

MVP

Delusional

*Childish Gambino voice* This is America

Childish Gambino voice This is America