Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town,... - FML

By anonymous - 21/11/2009 08:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

The student becomes the master

A beautiful truck decoration

By Heethersays - 3/7/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By Gracie-Ann - 1/7/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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By swervelol - 20/8/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 02:45 - Sri Lanka

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

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By nsJ - 15/7/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML

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By hey-o - 23/2/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

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By Black - 12/12/2008 03:31 - Lebanon

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

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By lojo - 17/6/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was flying home to Milwaukee after a weekend in South Carolina. When I got to the airport, my reservation didn't match up with any flights. Turns out Expedia booked me on a flight that doen't exist. I spent ten hours waiting in the airport for a two hour flight. FML

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By dang. - 20/8/2019 06:03

Today, I figured out the bank account my mom set up for me is actually a joint account, and she gets half the money I deposit. I have been putting money in there for 10 years. FML

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By bcf1234 - 15/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I waited in line at Subway. There were two people in front of me. The first lady had seven sandwiches and the second lady had four. So after patiently waiting, I ordered my sandwich, only to have my credit card declined. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By pride? what's that? :( - 1/9/2012 00:23 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

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By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By - 6/12/2019 20:00

I'm not blind

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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By mental - 25/10/2012 23:09 - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - 13/8/2012 22:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By Kbizz - 3/6/2010 02:12 - Canada

Today, I was excited about showing everyone at work my new piercing. It's in an interesting place in my ear, and its not that common. Before I had the chance to tell anyone about it, someone asked "Are you wearing a hearing aid?" FML

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By thisistypical - 14/9/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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By Liz - 6/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

He Tried?

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

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By unappreciated - 25/6/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By jess - 8/4/2012 14:30 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and decided to make my mom a special Easter breakfast in bed. I pre-heated the oven to bake the sausage just the way she likes. Guess where my easter basket was. FML

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By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By fisted - 12/6/2015 13:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was out for a walk, wearing a T-shirt with a fist on it and the words "Bump it." A guy came up to me, looked at my shirt, shrugged, and punched me in the stomach. FML

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By Eganstein - 24/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

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By minissaussette - 8/4/2016 23:39 - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 02:55 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML

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By DC - 8/2/2009 12:37 - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

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By 1thapp3ns - 10/1/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my mom and her new boyfriend. At the restaurant, while we were eating, he started clapping and singing "if you're happy and you know it." My mom joined in. And they sang loudly. Loud enough for the entire restaurant to go quiet and stare. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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By mommysgirlapparently - 29/10/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

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By aloneinaz - 15/1/2017 20:00

Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML

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By kookoocatlady - 1/11/2016 04:31

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

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By SatelliteUser - 3/12/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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By neckcrack - 7/9/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

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By lizzy1843 - 26/1/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

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Top comments

By g3rusz | 6

#682059 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:15

Take a picture of your friend, show it to your (soon-to-be-ex-)GF and tell her: "Hon, this is a guy I used to know. He has herpes, so warn your friends not to fuck him!" and watch her face. Then dump her, of course!

By Mx_Rider | 6

#682031 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:37

move on find some one better, fuck that slut

:D

Comments

By leoofbodom | 0

#682030 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:35

YES FIRST FUCK YOU ALL

Reply

bonertastic | 0

#682092 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:27

That sounds AwkwardIntercourse.com

Reply

Inked2009 | 0

#682095 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:35

@leoofbodom

No one gives a rats ass

Reply

leoofbodom | 0

#682114 - Saturday 21 November 2009 15:06

queer

By Mx_Rider | 6

#682031 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:37

move on find some one better, fuck that slut

:D

Reply

srcnix | 0

#682080 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:04

..

Reply

darrellyswagg | 2

#3589852 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 19:47

Haha his friend already did ;)

By mylifestoryy | 6

#682045 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:59

I would have just tapped her on the shoulder and said like this " I dont want to go out with you anymore" xD

Reply

mylifestoryy | 6

#682056 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:12

Totally replied on the wrong fml..fml D:

Reply

intensitive | 11

#682066 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:38

ahah

By nathannathan | 0

#682058 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:15

5th!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Reply

Megs431 | 6

#2530389 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 21:39

getta life

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#5992112 - Sunday 29 June 2014 16:13

If you look between the brackets you will find the group of people who care.... [ ]

By g3rusz | 6

#682059 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:15

Take a picture of your friend, show it to your (soon-to-be-ex-)GF and tell her: "Hon, this is a guy I used to know. He has herpes, so warn your friends not to fuck him!" and watch her face. Then dump her, of course!

Reply

HumptyHump | 0

#682090 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:25

haha this is classic. You should definitely do something like this.

Reply

Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#682101 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:38

Yes for the herpes plan. XD

Reply

oh_dee | 0

#682138 - Saturday 21 November 2009 19:33

excellent!

Reply

Tigg3r | 3

#682307 - Saturday 21 November 2009 23:26

I totally agree with the herpes plan! XD

Reply

SirensMelody | 0

#682603 - Sunday 22 November 2009 2:50

Ahaha, that's a good one.

Reply

Wauw | 0

#2127365 - Sunday 27 February 2011 6:57

Haha that's good. She would probably be thinking "shit!" If she really deserved you she wouldn't have done that. The herpes idea is a good one.

By LoveDemon | 19

#682069 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:45

Ha-Ha ... Good thing you found out .

Reply

DaDezza244 | 31

#5182650 - Sunday 25 November 2012 2:41

Dump her cheating ass! You deserve better OP. no one likes sluts or cheaters

By 19fml18 | 0

#682110 - Saturday 21 November 2009 15:00

Threesome!!!

Reply

k3500 | 0

#2351814 - Friday 15 April 2011 7:45

with 2 dudes? ew

By CallMeHush | 0

#682122 - Saturday 21 November 2009 15:26

Small world eh?

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#682131 - Saturday 21 November 2009 15:37

#13 lol

By xomegan95 | 0

#682146 - Saturday 21 November 2009 19:41

THREESOME!!!!!!! hehe

Reply

Preston_Pope | 0

#682656 - Sunday 22 November 2009 3:37

yes completely fake bullshit