Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car....

By JayFri - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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48297

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Intimacy

Family values

Triage

Recycling helps

By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

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35267

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

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By stop_crying - United States

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

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By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

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By mvp - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 08:00 - Austria

We need to know more!

Today, I lost the best girl that I’ve ever met, she blocked me on every social media and I don't know why, she wrote to me every day, and suddenly I got blocked. Her birthday is in one month, I had the best present and I can't even change or return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1022

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By Sheliton - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

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By jonh_215 - United States

Today, as a going away present after five years of military service and one combat tour, the hospital scheduled me for a prostate exam. FML

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28920

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By bdayboy - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

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By baebookboo - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By mom - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

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1779

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By uneek_3225 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

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4685

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By Anonymous

C'est la langue de l'amour!

Today, my French teacher set up a role-play scenario to act out in front of the class. During one of my lines, I mispronounced a phrase and called my teacher sexy. FML

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By tp2014 - United States - Jesup

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

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By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

Send message

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

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1195

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By Single forever I guess

Today, after months of hurtful and derogatory remarks from matches, I had to add the line "Not trans, just ugly." to my Tinder bio. FML

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By christinabear - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day on duty as a rookie cop. Everything was going great, and even the veterans on the force were warming up to me. That is until my mother came into the station carrying a brown bag for my lunch. Written on the bag was, "Lunch for my big boy. I love you, pumpkin." FML

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By Gitana - Spain - Tafalla

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

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By Shantoya - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

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By mariama - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

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37863

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

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40317

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By ollie179 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By but i make different stiffies - United States - Parker

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

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28981

You deserved it

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

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30014

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By littlepeepboo

You want a piece of me?

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Z - Australia

Today, my girlfriend snapped at me for being lazy and incompetent, and declared that if I was going to behave like a child, she would be treating me like one. This includes safety-proofing the house, talking to me like a 3-year-old and slapping me with a wooden spoon when I do something wrong. FML

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By unwantedforlife - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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48865

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By dpap - United States - Waukee

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

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By fUcKOAHdSAjl - United States - Manchester

Today, my dog was riding my car's passenger seat. He clambered over onto my lap, causing me to lose control of the wheel for a few seconds. As I tried to knock him off me, I lost track of my speed, and ended up being pulled over for reckless driving. FML

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26449

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

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By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

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Top comments

By MyHandIsADolphin | 0

#2633068 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:07

You still should have :3

By BWill9014 | 4

#2633228 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:18

Wow 2, *you're... smart too

COMMENTS

By MyHandIsADolphin | 0

#2633068 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:07

You still should have :3

spartans916 | 1

#2633144 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:11

broken bones always turns me on :P

Idonebeenhad | 17

#2633173 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:14

it's not like you're gonna give him a handjob :D

00SPRANGER00 | 0

#2633192 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:15

I would have...

00SPRANGER00 | 0

#2633216 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:17

still had sex not give him a handjob lol sorry for the confusion guys

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2633447 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:49

Shouldn't the sex take place in the back of the car? Why passenger seat?

Petunia888 | 13

#2633468 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:52

38-maybe the seat reclines? Sometimes it's nice.

CaptainPickles72 | 18

#2633485 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:56

11- Yup, sex with broken bones is a smashing good time!

nyrangers1022 | 6

#2633924 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:04

sex is so much better in back of an SUV...passenger seats get real uncomfortable

Boygenius50 | 8

#2634037 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:20

And you said yes. . .right??!

justinhi | 0

#2634278 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 2:03

yeah cuz blue balls is a bitch

chuymac | 3

#2634512 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:29

well sex produces a chemical called endorphin it's a natural painkiller so pain will be bearable. so I say, sex FTMFW YO.

imacreeper | 3

#2634521 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:34

You still have 4 left. Stop looking for excuses.

Adorlee | 11

#2634686 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:54

You can still enjoy it. There's a thin line between pain an pleasure

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2634742 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:12

Not really. "Oh it feels so good that it hurts." What's up with that???

GuessWhatKids | 13

#2634780 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:19

Ted Bundy anyone?

4fencer | 0

#2635635 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:35

he has the right to have sex with you. After all he is the male and you should listen to him and suck his cock.

whatsittuya | 2

#2635781 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:22

lol wow just wow

shannonreneee | 11

#2636219 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:22

Since when did we need fingers in sex. Commit!

Cokie_the_Clown | 5

#2636775 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 12:26

You should have broke his bone...r .

FUGYU | 2

#2637557 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:07

It's not like OP has to finger him...

nixchawla | 0

#2638369 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 18:53

yup..smtimes it reclines..!!! :P

hossjosh | 1

#2638809 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 21:02

134

Lee_Shha | 10

#2640147 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 3:42

Lmao.!

iDoHard | 0

#2810145 - Sunday 3 July 2011 2:31

if I was him I would have said you broke a bone and I will grow one more :)

shinshoku13 | 19

#3909228 - Thursday 19 January 2012 18:00

Uh no she shouldnt have

By himoonkey | 8

#2633089 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

wow your smart

BWill9014 | 4

#2633228 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:18

Wow 2, *you're... smart too

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2633280 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:25

Classic.

FMLsOhilarious | 6

#2634662 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:46

Yeah, apparently you're smart too. Your grammar is so perfect I'm jealous...NOT.

fml98kevin | 4

#2635617 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:29

^^^ Grammar Nazi ^^^

chickunkey | 0

#2636040 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 8:55

your smart what? the anticipation is killing me!

whosechairisthat | 0

#2636354 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:49

that dog is fucking adorable

alicecanitbe | 0

#2640495 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 5:15

you honestly just made no sense at all

By bitterfaceplant | 0

#2633096 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

Maybe he is in to pain/ S&M.

JesusFishTaco | 5

#2633476 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:55

People who are into that are insane. I'm sorry, mentally hilarious. (Family Guy reference)

sensoon15 | 7

#2633631 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:20

i was thinking the same thing. "sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!"

jaidonsafira | 0

#2634438 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 2:49

Giggity.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2634632 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:25

what does S&M stand for?

Mitcha857 | 0

#2634635 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:28

shit&muffins

BraBrando | 0

#2635421 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:38

^^ nom nom

InanimateObject | 0

#2635791 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:24

socks and mittens

silver0jay | 11

#2635863 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:54

sex and milfs

Carpy | 8

#2636276 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:35

Sons & Moms

Carpy | 8

#2636278 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:35

Sons & Moms

By ipodlover1995 | 0

#2633099 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

well you don't have sex with your fingers anyway... or do you ;)

DearestPluto | 0

#2634109 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:33

Why would she be fingering her BOYfriend?

mismonroe | 0

#2634236 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:55

Because the male G SPOT (don't worry, sweetie, you'll learn about that when you grow up) is in the Rectum.

whosechairisthat | 0

#2636313 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:43

u go girl.

chili10 | 18

#2636517 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 10:35

why wouldn't she be fingering her boyfriend?

shannonreneee | 11

#2637443 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 15:43

Good ol' prostate ticklin'

CleanseTheKraken | 0

#2690085 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 23:28

he'll yea

ipodlover1995 | 0

#2713630 - Sunday 19 June 2011 5:49

I don't know your life!

By aerogxt | 7

#2633101 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

What a moron. Take him back and get a refund.

XxToriwolfxX | 0

#2635480 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:52

Hooray for hookers!

By rebelvamp420 | 14

#2633103 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

he felt bad enough.... lol not like he did it on purpose, grin and bear it and give it up, and next time just do it on the trunk!!!!

ReynshineCutting | 10

#2637258 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 14:44

Grin and bear it? WTF? You don't grin and bear it. That's just wrong on so many levels.

By DyKy | 2

#2633105 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

your boyfriend has his priorities straight

womanjesus | 0

#2634452 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 2:55

true

By PSQ91 | 6

#2633124 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:10

You don't need your finger for sex, duh!

By mercuryburst | 0

#2633137 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:11

That sounds fucking painful.

electricmaster | 0

#2633355 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:34

I love how you're the only person that realizes that that had to freaking hurt.

smellymellyy | 7

#2633729 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:34

thats what i was thinking xD

IHATETROLLSS | 0

#2633876 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:56

damn 65 you scary!

lexielynn0680 | 0

#2634161 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:42

i love your pic 70 :D

XxToriwolfxX | 0

#2635487 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:54

I hate your /fucking/ pun.

By mk58 | 31

#2633141 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:11

I think you should slam the door on his fingers and then ask him if he still feels like having sex.

BB_ava | 0

#2633261 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:22

...slightly more difficult for a male to have sex w/o his hand than for a female.

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2633301 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:27

I think he'd still say yes..

TheDrifter | 23

#2633533 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:03

Op's username is Jay... I think they're both guys.

geeksaresexy | 18

#2633553 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:06

Because Jay can't be a girls name? Or you were trying to be funny?

TheDrifter | 23

#2634613 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:17

Really? How many girls names do you know that start with Jay? Or is it just here in Canada that those names aren't popular for girls?

Epheo | 0

#2634647 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:36

Right cause your name is TheDrifter and that screams a particular gender. Seriously its just a username.

XxToriwolfxX | 0

#2635496 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:56

Jay can be short for a girls name. For example, Jaymee (I think that's a real name, but I'm not sure).

4fencer | 0

#2635650 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:38

12-why would she do that. After all the male has the power and she should suck his dick for causing trouble.

bingababe | 16

#2635682 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:46

124- My daughters name is Jayleah, we always call her Jay.

lyshieelove | 0

#2635902 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 8:08

I think thats the point

geeksaresexy | 18

#2635958 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 8:35

I don't feel the need to add any more names tbh. Just because those names aren't popular doesn't mean they don't exist. I was the only person I knew with my name my whole childhood, now I know 6 others.

stewpididiot | 11

#2636134 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:09

I think you should slam the door on hoe boner and see
if he still wants to have sex.

mk58 | 31

#2638431 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 19:05

164, that might just work.