Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car....

By JayFri - 6/6/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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Intimacy

Deep-seated resentment

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Incognito browsing

By fEk - 22/3/2019 09:00 - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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1873

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By anon - 22/11/2015 06:40 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

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22283

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By Amara1717 - 19/8/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

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71956

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By deerslayer559 - 27/9/2017 23:14

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

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2629

You deserved it

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By boom - 17/3/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

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35036

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 17:42 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML

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46766

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

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31769

You deserved it

5013

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By Freelman - 6/5/2015 14:34 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12191

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2014 17:07 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my father described me as "the sort of sucker women marry then cheat on all the time." My mother agreed with him. FML

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38145

You deserved it

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By bronco_lover89 - 22/5/2012 01:05 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

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8894

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 20:07 - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28246

You deserved it

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By Female - 12/2/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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24573

You deserved it

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By 420curse - 5/5/2015 18:20 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

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34514

You deserved it

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By ICantBelieveThis - 6/3/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35212

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

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38734

You deserved it

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By PokeWife - 6/2/2013 13:38 - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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49179

You deserved it

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By embarassed - 12/10/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

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30389

You deserved it

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By Got_any_grapes1 - 11/4/2011 17:23 - United States

Today, the girl I was babysitting was being disrespectful to me, so I took away her stuffed animal and told her that she couldn't have it back until she apologized. She ended up sneaking onto my laptop and deleting all the pictures I'd saved from my recent vacation to Europe. FML

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You deserved it

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By hair2daygone4ever - 14/1/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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33495

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 16:00

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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571

You deserved it

1194

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By Kat - 22/6/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

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66855

You deserved it

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By twinArmageddon2 - 15/4/2014 06:04 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

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59241

You deserved it

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By ThisisMedSchool - 1/11/2012 21:18 - United States - Johnson City

Today, while studying liver pathology and highlighting important lines in my textbook, I realized that I could count the number of words I hadn't highlighted on one hand, over the last six pages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20332

You deserved it

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By Elrond Hubbard - 24/1/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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37916

You deserved it

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By monster1109 - 10/8/2015 15:51 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I got into the shower with my glasses on by mistake. I spent 5 minutes convinced that the fog in my vision was me going blind. FML

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You deserved it

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By NoMoney4Me - 24/9/2012 10:48 - United States - York

Today, I went for a job interview. Before giving me a tour, the manager pointed to my purse and said, "Better leave that in my office." I didn't know why it was safer in her office than on my shoulder, but I complied. Later, I went to buy coffee and discovered that all my cash was missing. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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51037

You deserved it

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By unemployed - 11/7/2016 19:09 - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

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You deserved it

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By Chey1309 - 29/6/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

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37953

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my unemployed boyfriend to pick a town anywhere in the country that he thinks he can find work in. I offered to find myself a job there, find a flat, and pay for rent, bills, and food while he looks. He said I was selfish for wanting him to hurry up. It's been three years. FML

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4145

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By tryena - 28/2/2009 10:59 - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

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20246

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

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41687

You deserved it

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By randinosaur - 13/3/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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54037

You deserved it

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By Worst City in the World - 22/3/2018 15:00

Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3436

You deserved it

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By bluewinter - 23/5/2009 10:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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38030

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

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10777

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By Desperate_measures - 16/1/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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By vishurricanes - 10/6/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

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52744

You deserved it

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By Dani - 12/1/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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By Dipping Tired - 20/4/2016 23:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

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Top comments

By MyHandIsADolphin | 0

#2633068 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:07

You still should have :3

By BWill9014 | 4

#2633228 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:18

Wow 2, *you're... smart too

COMMENTS

By MyHandIsADolphin | 0

#2633068 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:07

You still should have :3

spartans916 | 1

#2633144 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:11

broken bones always turns me on :P

Idonebeenhad | 17

#2633173 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:14

it's not like you're gonna give him a handjob :D

00SPRANGER00 | 0

#2633192 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:15

I would have...

00SPRANGER00 | 0

#2633216 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:17

still had sex not give him a handjob lol sorry for the confusion guys

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2633447 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:49

Shouldn't the sex take place in the back of the car? Why passenger seat?

Petunia888 | 13

#2633468 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:52

38-maybe the seat reclines? Sometimes it's nice.

CaptainPickles72 | 18

#2633485 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:56

11- Yup, sex with broken bones is a smashing good time!

nyrangers1022 | 6

#2633924 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:04

sex is so much better in back of an SUV...passenger seats get real uncomfortable

Boygenius50 | 8

#2634037 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:20

And you said yes. . .right??!

justinhi | 0

#2634278 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 2:03

yeah cuz blue balls is a bitch

chuymac | 3

#2634512 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:29

well sex produces a chemical called endorphin it's a natural painkiller so pain will be bearable. so I say, sex FTMFW YO.

imacreeper | 3

#2634521 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 3:34

You still have 4 left. Stop looking for excuses.

Adorlee | 11

#2634686 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:54

You can still enjoy it. There's a thin line between pain an pleasure

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2634742 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:12

Not really. "Oh it feels so good that it hurts." What's up with that???

GuessWhatKids | 13

#2634780 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:19

Ted Bundy anyone?

4fencer | 0

#2635635 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:35

he has the right to have sex with you. After all he is the male and you should listen to him and suck his cock.

whatsittuya | 2

#2635781 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:22

lol wow just wow

shannonreneee | 11

#2636219 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:22

Since when did we need fingers in sex. Commit!

Cokie_the_Clown | 5

#2636775 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 12:26

You should have broke his bone...r .

FUGYU | 2

#2637557 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:07

It's not like OP has to finger him...

nixchawla | 0

#2638369 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 18:53

yup..smtimes it reclines..!!! :P

hossjosh | 1

#2638809 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 21:02

134

Lee_Shha | 10

#2640147 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 3:42

Lmao.!

iDoHard | 0

#2810145 - Sunday 3 July 2011 2:31

if I was him I would have said you broke a bone and I will grow one more :)

shinshoku13 | 19

#3909228 - Thursday 19 January 2012 18:00

Uh no she shouldnt have

By himoonkey | 8

#2633089 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

wow your smart

BWill9014 | 4

#2633228 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:18

Wow 2, *you're... smart too

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2633280 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:25

Classic.

FMLsOhilarious | 6

#2634662 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:46

Yeah, apparently you're smart too. Your grammar is so perfect I'm jealous...NOT.

fml98kevin | 4

#2635617 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:29

^^^ Grammar Nazi ^^^

chickunkey | 0

#2636040 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 8:55

your smart what? the anticipation is killing me!

whosechairisthat | 0

#2636354 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:49

that dog is fucking adorable

alicecanitbe | 0

#2640495 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 5:15

you honestly just made no sense at all

By bitterfaceplant | 0

#2633096 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

Maybe he is in to pain/ S&M.

JesusFishTaco | 5

#2633476 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:55

People who are into that are insane. I'm sorry, mentally hilarious. (Family Guy reference)

sensoon15 | 7

#2633631 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:20

i was thinking the same thing. "sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!"

jaidonsafira | 0

#2634438 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 2:49

Giggity.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2634632 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:25

what does S&M stand for?

Mitcha857 | 0

#2634635 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:28

shit&muffins

BraBrando | 0

#2635421 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:38

^^ nom nom

InanimateObject | 0

#2635791 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:24

socks and mittens

silver0jay | 11

#2635863 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 7:54

sex and milfs

Carpy | 8

#2636276 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:35

Sons & Moms

Carpy | 8

#2636278 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:35

Sons & Moms

By ipodlover1995 | 0

#2633099 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

well you don't have sex with your fingers anyway... or do you ;)

DearestPluto | 0

#2634109 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:33

Why would she be fingering her BOYfriend?

mismonroe | 0

#2634236 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:55

Because the male G SPOT (don't worry, sweetie, you'll learn about that when you grow up) is in the Rectum.

whosechairisthat | 0

#2636313 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:43

u go girl.

chili10 | 18

#2636517 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 10:35

why wouldn't she be fingering her boyfriend?

shannonreneee | 11

#2637443 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 15:43

Good ol' prostate ticklin'

CleanseTheKraken | 0

#2690085 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 23:28

he'll yea

ipodlover1995 | 0

#2713630 - Sunday 19 June 2011 5:49

I don't know your life!

By aerogxt | 7

#2633101 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

What a moron. Take him back and get a refund.

XxToriwolfxX | 0

#2635480 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:52

Hooray for hookers!

By rebelvamp420 | 14

#2633103 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

he felt bad enough.... lol not like he did it on purpose, grin and bear it and give it up, and next time just do it on the trunk!!!!

ReynshineCutting | 10

#2637258 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 14:44

Grin and bear it? WTF? You don't grin and bear it. That's just wrong on so many levels.

By DyKy | 2

#2633105 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:08

your boyfriend has his priorities straight

womanjesus | 0

#2634452 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 2:55

true

By PSQ91 | 6

#2633124 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:10

You don't need your finger for sex, duh!

By mercuryburst | 0

#2633137 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:11

That sounds fucking painful.

electricmaster | 0

#2633355 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:34

I love how you're the only person that realizes that that had to freaking hurt.

smellymellyy | 7

#2633729 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:34

thats what i was thinking xD

IHATETROLLSS | 0

#2633876 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:56

damn 65 you scary!

lexielynn0680 | 0

#2634161 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 1:42

i love your pic 70 :D

XxToriwolfxX | 0

#2635487 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:54

I hate your /fucking/ pun.

By mk58 | 31

#2633141 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:11

I think you should slam the door on his fingers and then ask him if he still feels like having sex.

BB_ava | 0

#2633261 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:22

...slightly more difficult for a male to have sex w/o his hand than for a female.

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2633301 - Monday 6 June 2011 23:27

I think he'd still say yes..

TheDrifter | 23

#2633533 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:03

Op's username is Jay... I think they're both guys.

geeksaresexy | 18

#2633553 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 0:06

Because Jay can't be a girls name? Or you were trying to be funny?

TheDrifter | 23

#2634613 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:17

Really? How many girls names do you know that start with Jay? Or is it just here in Canada that those names aren't popular for girls?

Epheo | 0

#2634647 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:36

Right cause your name is TheDrifter and that screams a particular gender. Seriously its just a username.

XxToriwolfxX | 0

#2635496 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:56

Jay can be short for a girls name. For example, Jaymee (I think that's a real name, but I'm not sure).

4fencer | 0

#2635650 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:38

12-why would she do that. After all the male has the power and she should suck his dick for causing trouble.

bingababe | 16

#2635682 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:46

124- My daughters name is Jayleah, we always call her Jay.

lyshieelove | 0

#2635902 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 8:08

I think thats the point

geeksaresexy | 18

#2635958 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 8:35

I don't feel the need to add any more names tbh. Just because those names aren't popular doesn't mean they don't exist. I was the only person I knew with my name my whole childhood, now I know 6 others.

stewpididiot | 11

#2636134 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 9:09

I think you should slam the door on hoe boner and see
if he still wants to have sex.

mk58 | 31

#2638431 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 19:05

164, that might just work.