Health: Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 719

15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 342

You deserved it 1 614

Leave us alone

BO Central

Weird reason to leave, but OK

20/03/2016 18:53

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 854

You deserved it 1 993

21/05/2017 12:00

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 688

You deserved it 300

15/01/2011 14:38

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 425

You deserved it 3 942

29/06/2011 14:55

Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 326

You deserved it 87 005

03/04/2013 16:50

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 355

You deserved it 3 451

03/07/2013 08:11

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 642

You deserved it 4 156

Words are hard

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 18:50

Spicy

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 775

You deserved it 3 456

19/05/2016 20:54

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 237

You deserved it 1 218

12/01/2010 17:23

Today, someone had put a lock on my bike. While I was trying to saw it off, the police drove by. I was arrested for trying to steal a bike and released four hours later when they figured out that it was actually my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 857

You deserved it 2 447

10/01/2011 19:14

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 266

You deserved it 4 336

12/10/2014 04:04

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 123

You deserved it 3 113

Taking pictures

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 14:00

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 159

You deserved it 447

26/10/2012 17:58

Spicy

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 236

You deserved it 3 011

Get vaccinated, you doofuses

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 08:00

Today, my boyfriend came into town for the weekend. A proof of vaccination card to enter non-essential businesses also started. My dear boyfriend refuses to sign up for the card. Guess our nights out will be grocery shopping and him waiting outside while I shop anywhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 289

09/04/2015 05:28

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 080

You deserved it 7 722

12/06/2012 23:39

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 941

You deserved it 30 534

20/06/2013 19:15

Today, at work, a woman demanded a refund for a video game. She had no receipt, so due to company policy, I couldn't refund her. She reacted by loudly accusing me of being racist, then yelled that she'd see me in court as she finally stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 006

You deserved it 3 125

01/12/2018 13:00

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 3 401

You deserved it 1 475

09/01/2013 19:57

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 557

You deserved it 7 746

31/07/2009 01:30

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 907

You deserved it 2 933

06/03/2016 15:31

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 754

You deserved it 1 809

15/02/2009 11:51

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 538

You deserved it 2 449

17/01/2016 18:41

Spicy

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 572

You deserved it 3 949

Choking hazard

By notsexy - 09/05/2009 15:51

Spicy

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 013

You deserved it 83 237

26/03/2014 03:37

Today, I got a history project back that I worked very hard on. The teacher didn't bother to write any feedback, besides, "Did you even understand the assignment?" on the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 621

You deserved it 6 505

08/03/2016 22:31

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 250

You deserved it 1 533

Poker face

By therealducktape - 20/08/2010 22:03

Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 788

You deserved it 3 529

16/07/2013 04:41

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 101

You deserved it 3 360

06/08/2014 03:35

Today, I found out my co-workers don't actually like me when they changed the hangout spot after accidentally inviting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 971

You deserved it 3 818

29/01/2012 00:46

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 584

You deserved it 3 472

21/04/2012 02:49

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 980

You deserved it 37 897

08/10/2011 15:54

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 817

You deserved it 42 076

30/04/2011 19:52

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 273

You deserved it 37 350

She's lost control again

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 216

04/05/2011 03:24

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 194

You deserved it 4 096

Dash!

By pokeOww - 13/09/2019 22:00

Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 1 344

18/01/2009 02:55

Today, I was in a toilet cubicle, when I overheard two of my friends at the sink talking about how ugly and skinny I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 234

You deserved it 2 419

Ticklish

By Username - 28/07/2010 11:20

Spicy

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said, "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was, "So does yours." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 391

You deserved it 32 519

Safe space

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 01:00

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 730

You deserved it 3 122

04/03/2014 04:40

Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 800

You deserved it 5 891

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Top comments

Garnetshaddow 30

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:15

That really does suck. In emergencies, fuckups happen. When I was a teenager, I was in a store and needed to puke (migraine headaches.) I realized when I was done... I'd run in to the men's room. There wasn't a line... but I think it really startled some guys at the urinals when a girl came sprinting out behind them. Oops!

mariri9206 32

Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:17

So they can't use the men's room instead? Certainly, they have an actual toilet and not just urinal in there. If it's a one person room, it's not a big deal. If they really had to go that bad but didn't use the men's room, they have no reason to be so angry and it's their own fault for waiting for that room to be free.

Comments

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:01

That was a shitty situation

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Friday 23 December 2016 7:32

really? the very first post? lol it seems that someone says it sooner and sooner every fml

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:05

Who clogs a toilet with the runs? Quit lying.

xaru 21

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:15

Don't you wipe your ass?

utrax 23

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 4:08

Most FML's aren't real, I thought we all knew that by now.

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 4:16

Blot dry. Flush often.

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:07

Even though it's an honest mistake.... that's nasty.

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 6:14

Not going into the wrong bathroom... the fucking tampon...

wanted_2_want 40

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 7:13

When you gota go you gota go.

sweetpotato301 7

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 12:45

I'm assuming it wasn't a used tampon.

Garnetshaddow 30

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:15

That really does suck. In emergencies, fuckups happen. When I was a teenager, I was in a store and needed to puke (migraine headaches.) I realized when I was done... I'd run in to the men's room. There wasn't a line... but I think it really startled some guys at the urinals when a girl came sprinting out behind them. Oops!

mariri9206 32

Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:17

So they can't use the men's room instead? Certainly, they have an actual toilet and not just urinal in there. If it's a one person room, it's not a big deal. If they really had to go that bad but didn't use the men's room, they have no reason to be so angry and it's their own fault for waiting for that room to be free.

zombiekitten87 12

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 2:07

I've used a men's room many a time when a single person bathroom was occupied for longer than 5 minutes.

Dat_Class_Tho 26

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 2:08

It's also possible OP was not the only person there with an explosive gastric situation. The men's room may have also been occupied for 20+ minutes.

mcdgaf 14

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 3:02

I use the men's room on a regular basis simply because i don't care where I pee as long as it's in a toilet. The guys are usually weirded out when a chick walks in yelling 'cover yer dicks, I have to pee.'

Dark_Cecilia 20

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 4:40

Yay, I'm not the only one ^.^

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 5:22

There's nowhere to put the feminine hygiene products in a male restroom (for obvious reasons). Also, I would hate to use the male's room, it's like the cleaners never bother with it. I feel sorry for dudes when I walk past and the stench just hits me.

Royally_shunned 15

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 7:38

I worked in restaurants and was responsible for cleaning restrooms. The womens' usually were the nastiest, believe it or not.

Taco The Dank 27

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:22

I reckon you wouldn't be able to explain to them why you were in there, it's too late anyway, oh well ¯_(ツ)_/¯, seriously though, that does suck

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:26

Did you get any of their numbers? Some women go for the dominant type who shits wherever he pleases.

Taco The Dank 27

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 3:13

I think you tried too hard on this one.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 1:57

Interesting name. However, if you were female and put on a display like that, you would certainly not be a lady!

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 2:03

It happens... When you got to go, you got to go. Those woman cannot tell you that they haven't felt that problem before...

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Wednesday 21 December 2016 2:41

I'm hoping it wasn't a used tampon, lol. In all seriousness though, that's just rude. It was clearly just a mistake.