Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had.... - FML

By jokersgirl - 21/5/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2100

You deserved it

780

Tweet

Share

Trip Advisor says no

A beautiful truck decoration

Spooky

By grem - 13/4/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34623

You deserved it

69359

Tweet

Share

By Tragic - 27/4/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67126

You deserved it

6807

Tweet

Share

By Medfail - 20/6/2016 07:13 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7623

You deserved it

13535

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 11:48 - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28789

You deserved it

4883

Tweet

Share

By sad and hungry - 6/6/2015 14:37 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34262

You deserved it

6482

Tweet

Share

By ouch - 29/2/2012 19:18 - Italy

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40989

You deserved it

2843

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:50 - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40369

You deserved it

4498

Tweet

Share

By CatLover<3 - 18/6/2013 23:27 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46425

You deserved it

21858

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 4/8/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26518

You deserved it

2034

Tweet

Share

By Zanquis - 30/12/2016 19:04

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3051

You deserved it

195

Tweet

Share

By ihateteenagers - 30/12/2011 02:12 - United States

Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50408

You deserved it

10018

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 03:34 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37886

You deserved it

3007

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3158

You deserved it

237

Tweet

Share

By Randolph - 15/10/2012 02:24 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, a clown came over for my son's 8th birthday party. There was a moment of silence then laughter as everyone realized the clown and I were wearing the same plaid shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26535

You deserved it

4912

Tweet

Share

By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61082

You deserved it

5096

Tweet

Share

By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8635

You deserved it

769

Tweet

Share

By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2769

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25351

You deserved it

59111

Tweet

Share

By RYZILLAHitZ - 30/6/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38909

You deserved it

5720

Tweet

Share

By badmom101 - 16/5/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56556

You deserved it

6374

Tweet

Share

By ashamedklutz - 22/2/2014 00:20 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41476

You deserved it

5035

Tweet

Share

By Hum - 2/7/2011 21:50 - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32635

You deserved it

11929

Tweet

Share

By S12Sophia - 2/5/2012 22:06 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34846

You deserved it

5413

Tweet

Share

By WalkTheOtherWay - 1/2/2015 02:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30566

You deserved it

7527

Tweet

Share

By facepalm - 15/10/2014 23:36 - United States - Gainesville

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40238

You deserved it

4353

Tweet

Share

By missyoudad. - 31/8/2010 07:54 - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49375

You deserved it

2837

Tweet

Share

By Amy - 19/5/2010 20:19 - France

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40079

You deserved it

3543

Tweet

Share

By princess_stabitty - 1/8/2020 08:01

Jealousy

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1457

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

By justhelpful - 2/7/2012 17:44 - Austria - Mils

Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29997

You deserved it

2017

Tweet

Share

By freakfreak12345 - 19/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10617

You deserved it

74566

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 05:41 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31090

You deserved it

1878

Tweet

Share

By mark807 - 28/4/2012 06:52 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30400

You deserved it

2151

Tweet

Share

By hjufidskndf - 30/8/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36111

You deserved it

4076

Tweet

Share

By CodyS - 3/9/2013 05:03 - United States - Rocky River

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40108

You deserved it

11215

Tweet

Share

By dafuqdidisee - 19/5/2013 06:30 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I woke up and went into my living room, only to be greeted by my aunt, sister, and mother watching a very graphic video showing women giving birth. They forced me to stay and watch it until the end. It was almost 90 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43770

You deserved it

5279

Tweet

Share

By soomeone - 16/2/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13641

You deserved it

25520

Tweet

Share

By nose hurts - 30/12/2013 01:01 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31361

You deserved it

3446

Tweet

Share

By sarah - 14/7/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39259

You deserved it

10127

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2244

You deserved it

406

Tweet

Share

By freckleboy422 - 31/1/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35410

You deserved it

2781

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By twin | 18

#7804642 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:03

that's a win in my book

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7804650 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:49

Jokersgirl wins. FATALITY!!!

COMMENTS

By twin | 18

#7804642 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:03

that's a win in my book

By RichardPencil | 28

#7804646 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:17

He’ll get over it.

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7804649 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:32

Omg I'm laughing so hard!!! That's awesome!!! I hope y'all had a good laugh about it later.

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7804650 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 4:49

Jokersgirl wins. FATALITY!!!

By GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7804662 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 6:12

next time you want some just look at him and say
"ROUND 2 FIGHT!"

By Charlie Coffman_1920149595 | 18

#7804760 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 14:27

was it a flawless victory?

By bobsanction | 16

#7804762 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 14:47

Did you finish him?

By blueknight1st | 26

#7804846 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 20:26

When he was done did he yell Round 2 Fight!

By ViviMage | 38

#7804886 - Tuesday 21 May 2019 23:25

Could be worse! Could be Smash Bros with a homerun bat! Or the DK hammer!

By Brad Fletcher | 4

#7804916 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 1:57

Youre a keeper.