By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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Instadrama

Bad guy (duh)

The X Factor

By catwithwatermelononhead

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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By Mr. X - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By yeueid - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

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By Plume - France

Today, it's my birthday. My ex just sent me a text. I read it, happy he had remembered. He wanted me to know he has a new girlfriend. FML

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By ohemmgeee - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML

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By nsJ - United States

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML

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By jimmy - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

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By jojo - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By SMRT - Canada

Today, I finished my position paper for my social studies class and read it to my mom to get her opinion on it. After I'm done reading it, she asks me if I copied it from somewhere because it sounded very professional and smart, and it didn't sound like me. FML

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By GrossedOut - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By theDiva - Malta

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

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By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

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By NJ - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

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By GeorgiaBOYY - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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By justhatelife - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back, where I work, and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

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By jeremiah - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By fuckmuppet - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

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By anon - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By bluewatersify - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

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By Shep

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

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By Italian_Stallion - United States

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

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By Abby - United States - Watertown

Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML

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By toomuchmetal - United States

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

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By SymmetricalPizzaFace - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By ooops - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

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By ghoul

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

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By Hungry - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By tiredeolfatty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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By Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace - United States - Riverside

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

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By DanceOnTheEdge - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

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By peevedMcGee

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

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By zawbentley - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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Top comments

By leximichelle | 13

#7924539 - Wednesday 22 July 2020 19:46

Why is your husband getting midday drunk alone with a child in the first place?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7924340 - Wednesday 22 July 2020 6:09

Good thing there's a pandemic! Your kid doesn't have to be seen by other kids looking like a damn fool.

Silver linings!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7924340 - Wednesday 22 July 2020 6:09

Good thing there's a pandemic! Your kid doesn't have to be seen by other kids looking like a damn fool.

Silver linings!

By leximichelle | 13

#7924539 - Wednesday 22 July 2020 19:46

Why is your husband getting midday drunk alone with a child in the first place?

Reply

akvan | 7

#7924653 - Thursday 23 July 2020 5:19

PANDEEMIIIIIC!

By Xavyeah | 74

#7924541 - Wednesday 22 July 2020 19:47

Well, a skunk on a acid seems like a fair description of Rufio...

By Yummi_913 | 13

#7924582 - Wednesday 22 July 2020 22:16

YOU allowed your husband to get drunk around a child and then bleach that childs hair. YOU.

Reply

akvan | 7

#7924651 - Thursday 23 July 2020 5:18

Thats unfair, what if she was working at the time or something like that?

Reply

star71075 | 12

#7927293 - Friday 31 July 2020 20:02

Her husband, a grown man, is responsible for his own actions.