Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

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Triage

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mystery

By peevedMcGee

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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By JJLight - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

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By Scooter

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

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By tkr - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML

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By engagedmaybe - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

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By wils - United States

Today, after work, I peeled a parking ticket off my windshield. It was so hot that the ink from the ticket made a stamp on my windshield. Now I have a permanent reminder staring me in the face wherever I drive. FML

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By Failure - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By "Lisa" - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By mmoments - United States

Today, I took a picture of the combination to my new lock so I would always have it on my phone if I ever forgot it. I put my phone in my gym locker, locked it with the new lock, then promptly forgot the combination. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 20:01

No fun

Today, I was finishing a cigarette outside of the mall when we heard someone fart. Turns out it was a little girl. They looked around, so jokingly I said, "We didn't hear anything." Her family giggled and so did we, until everyone realized the little girl was now sobbing. I'm a POS. FML

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By StillDrowsy - United States

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

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By kasai_x0x - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

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By Deborah - United States

Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

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By KDM - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By lee - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 14:02

Alarmed

Today, my sister promised to wake me up at 8 for my 9:30 class. She woke me at noon, and only because I was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML

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By Soapy

Today, I got a gift from my ex-boyfriend who's currently studying abroad. He got me a really creepy snowglobe for my "collection" as a sweet gesture, maybe to win me back. Except I don't collect snowglobes. He'd confused me with the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By FeedMe - United States

Today, my mother went shopping. She bought three boxes of Popsicles and a giant stuffed dog. She did not buy dinner or toilet paper. I've eaten nothing but cereal and popcorn for three days now. FML

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By Surewhatever

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 02:00

Break it off

Today, I found out my fiancée wishes she'd never said yes when I proposed, as she is in love with another man and has been hiding their relationship for years. FML

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By cheated - Australia

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. Guess how I found out? FML

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By tiredeolfatty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML

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By bearprint

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vaudreuil

Be careful what you post on the Internet…

Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days-old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML

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By Randy Savage - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guys name. FML

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By TheOtherWoman - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

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By Mitch

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

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By LaurenB - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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By its dark - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend's fiancé. I've been with him 4 years, he's been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically I'M the other woman. FML

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By lifeonfire12 - Canada

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Today, I told my boyfriend the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high. FML

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Top comments

By alycion | 38

#7833690 - Sunday 18 August 2019 6:25

Nothing wrong with a little humor when things aren’t going right. Lightens the load, takes pressure off. Best line ever.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7833854 - Sunday 18 August 2019 14:28

I knew it was bullshit when I kept getting told "girls like nerds these days".

COMMENTS

By alycion | 38

#7833690 - Sunday 18 August 2019 6:25

Nothing wrong with a little humor when things aren’t going right. Lightens the load, takes pressure off. Best line ever.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7833854 - Sunday 18 August 2019 14:28

I knew it was bullshit when I kept getting told "girls like nerds these days".

Reply

sarkycow | 25

#7835104 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 10:13

Some of us truly do! Had my husband said this I would have burst out laughing and kissed him. Sometimes I don't understand members of my own sex 😤😐

By chyiochan | 31

#7833940 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:50

Well he wasn't wrong, it sometimes take a few minutes, he just verbally told you so!

By acmariner99 | 24

#7833969 - Sunday 18 August 2019 21:07

Clever!!

By Peaches1914 | 13

#7834082 - Monday 19 August 2019 5:38

Is there sex education offered any more in learning institutions?

By Sarah Emmons_80368934 | 6

#7836842 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 5:40

It’s not that easy to just get hard again right after coming lol some guys are super sensitive afterwards