Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my extremely affectionate and docile cat, whom I love like a child and has never drawn blood, scratched my roommate of one day in the face while I was at work. She claims he just went ballistic, and I don't believe she's telling me everything. What the hell did she do to my cat? It's gonna be a long lease. FML
Today, in what was probably a freudian slip, I 'accidentally' sent my boss a text message meant for my therapist, containing an elaborate plan to sneak my cat into the office as my "emotional support animal." My boss replied with a simple "Denied." My dreams of a feline-fueled workspace shattered. FML
Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML
Today, I picked up my cat and he went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later, a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor, who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML
Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I disciplined my cat for meowing too loudly in my apartment and disturbing neighbors by picking her up by the scruff. She then proceeded to scratch the ever living crap out of my hand, now it looks like Wolverine got a hold of me. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
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Top comments
VeganDarkLight 31
When I read the first sentence, I thought OP was cutting. The way the FML ended is definetly not nice either, but I was relieved though!
devildog562 33
Spawn of satan.
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Comments (112)
BasedComment 15
Become the master.
RA91 26
Why do you still have it then??
randome101 12
That ended better than I imagined, it could be self inflected
bahamit 18
Sounds like someone is going to make a delivery to a nearby unnamed restaurant...
TypoFairy 20
Things that work: regular nail trimming. NOT at all declawing, it's the same as clipping your own nails. Be sure you have stypic powder if you do it yourself, but in your case a groomer or vet would be much safer. It also may be a good idea to talk to a vet and a cat behaviorist since this appears to be an ongoing problem. Good luck!
rocker_chick23 27
OP, I hope you washed the scratches. Cat scratches can become infected fairly easily, and you can possibly get cat scratch fever.
redneck66 11
whats that?
rocker_chick23 27
#58: It is a bacterial infection people can get when a cat bites or scratches them.
rjdare 11
Ditch the cat then
Migole 36
Honestly, this sounds like your cat has some sort of problem. This is not normal behaviour. My first guess would be that it's lonely. Do you own other cats? Because they need others to play and cuddle with. A human can never play with a cat like another cat can. Ours attack each other when they're bored as a way to show their intentions, with claws out and everything. It's just the way they act. If your cat is alone at home for hours then it is probably bored out of its mind and wants to interact with you. You shouldn't beat or declaw it as some people here suggest, that's the same as beating your child for spilling some juice. There are animal behaviourists who can help you if you don't know what to do on your own. Also if your cat is a single, the first step would be to get another cat (you need to inform yourself though! Cats have personalities and they need to match). You could also try to seek counsel in a cat-related forum or from a vet/shelter worker. Good luck OP!
Tsukiyomi 16
Kill it with fire
redneck66 11
this is why i love dogs