Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my extremely affectionate and docile cat, whom I love like a child and has never drawn blood, scratched my roommate of one day in the face while I was at work. She claims he just went ballistic, and I don't believe she's telling me everything. What the hell did she do to my cat? It's gonna be a long lease. FML
Today, in what was probably a freudian slip, I 'accidentally' sent my boss a text message meant for my therapist, containing an elaborate plan to sneak my cat into the office as my "emotional support animal." My boss replied with a simple "Denied." My dreams of a feline-fueled workspace shattered. FML
Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML
Today, I picked up my cat and he went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later, a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor, who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML
Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I disciplined my cat for meowing too loudly in my apartment and disturbing neighbors by picking her up by the scruff. She then proceeded to scratch the ever living crap out of my hand, now it looks like Wolverine got a hold of me. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
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Top comments
VeganDarkLight 31
When I read the first sentence, I thought OP was cutting. The way the FML ended is definetly not nice either, but I was relieved though!
devildog562 33
Spawn of satan.
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Comments (112)
showmeyourears 19
Sounds like you need Jackson Galaxy.
Jorgen_fml 16
tbh if i had a cat like that, I'd kill that little ******!
foxwasalamb 24
please tell me you dont have children. or pets
junkman6 22
He wouldn't kill the children! He'd just rent them out to a Nike sweatshop.
SnowKitten 14
The cat would probably kill you first
macros 12
Get a dog, a large one.
dave20012 15
Haha sorry OP, But that is funny. Just because a friend of mine years ago had a cat like that. Even though the cat knew me even it's owners he was a little a-hole like that.
gracehi 33
Sounds like your cat wasn't socialized properly as a kitten. You may need to seek professional help to modify your cat's behavior.
gracehi 33
True, there are many other things that could be the cause, but this is the first one that came to mind for me, and I think it's the most likely possibility.
grtfuldeadlovr 27
How old is the cat? You should call the cat from hell guy.
wickedalwayswins 7
Is your cat by any chance Lucifer from Cinderella?
monkeyxD 19
You could get nail caps for your cat. That way, it still has its claws but won't be able to scratch you. It's more humane than declawing it.
ostfaiz 18
expression of brutal love
Lawana 4
Cat owner here: It´s a common behavior in cats that weren´t socialliced the right way. So you have to become a cat as well. As in "react in a way a cat would". If your cat scratches you in an unwanted way, slap her. Not to hard, not to gentle. You want her to know that what she is doing is unwanted. But you don´t want to throw her to the next wall. Hope you get the idea. Or you could seek professional help like #23 suggested if you don´t trust a stranger on the internet ;) (sorry for bad english... Not my native language)
rieebee 23
Slapping your cat will most likely lead to it attacking more fiercely in retaliation, as it is likely to feel even more threatened. Cats generally don't attack for no reason, maybe try to figure out what triggers the aggression and deal with it from there.
DoubleDosexo 12
hitting animals actually does the opposite of what you want. this includes humans because we are animals. if you want a cat to stop doing something, praise it for good behavior.
knoxxx 22
Don't hit your cat because it's aggressive towards you! Get a string toy and play with it more.
JazNim17 18
Or simply learn to imitate the yowling cat sound. When my cat was a kitten, I made that sound every time she scratched or bit me, because it was a sound she would recognize that let her know her behavior was unacceptable to me. After the first few weeks, she learned to be a bit more gentle.
gracehi 33
It's a bad idea to attempt to intimidate or strike a cat that is behaving aggressively. Cats aren't like dogs. They won't submit and become docile when they've been dominated. They will just become more aggressive and isolated out of fear. It's better to discipline aggressive behavior by putting the cat alone in a small room, such as a bathroom or closet, and turning the lights off and leaving them in there for an hour or so. This will make the cat lonely and bored, which will discourage them from the behavior because, contrary to popular belief, cats are social creatures that need companionship. Once they realize that their human can be a companion, they'll be kinder.