Money: Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen.... - FML

By Anonymous - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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You tried

Nothing honey, nothing

Don't do favors for strangers

By HotToTrotskyite - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By Acolyte of the Bacon God - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

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By Scarlett - United States

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

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By youshitme - Australia

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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By banned - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

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By blinded - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

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By Vercsi - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

One of those people

Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

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By jokersgirl

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

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By mayoshampoo - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

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By thanks google - United States - Naperville

Today, while I was driving, Google said it found a faster route to save me 15 minutes. I hit accept, only be directed into a gridlock on the interstate, adding an hour to my drive time. FML

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By rj93 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By regiftee - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

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By NotAThief - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By OweLotsaMoney - United States

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

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By spider-sarah - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By TallGal - United States - Tucson

Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in the grocery store my boyfriend said very loudly "Don't make me hit you in public again!" He says things like this every time we are in the grocery store line. The sad part is that it's better than when he says "Are you gonna pay for the stuff you put in your purse?" FML

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By Fred - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By Maggie123 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

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By naps aren't what they used to be - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

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By gamerlaura - United Kingdom - Blaenau-ffestiniog

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

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By Jay - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML

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By Kelly - United States - Roseville

Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML

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By iamnotalawyer - United States - Glendale

Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML

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By FML_Elle - United States

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

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By underemployed - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

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By socknotes - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

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By super maman - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By geoduck - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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By Nic - United States

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

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Top comments

By LittleMissRaven | 0

#1426099 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:59

There's a saying: The worse the wedding, the better the marriage. Here's to an AWESOME, long, and happy marriage.

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

COMMENTS

By anythingidontnee | 0

#1425734 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

first :)

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

Reply

jjames7543 | 13

#1425758 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:06

(think of the wedding theme)

Reply

turtlemansam | 6

#1425830 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:13

You know what they say!

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#1426698 - Sunday 19 September 2010 14:17

What does having an iPhone have to do with this?

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#1426843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

Wow that. Sucks. Why do. People type. Like this. In every. FML.

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1426847 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

cuz with mobile me for iPhone u can track ur iPhones location and find who or where ur stuff is

Reply

LexBvl | 4

#1427007 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:45

you deserved it for getting married.

Reply

MadameJello | 0

#1427173 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:19

I love your shirt btw :)

Reply

ily1210 | 10

#1427218 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:25

that sucks, but it goes to show people out there are scum :/

Reply

Melaniee_fml | 0

#1427277 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:39

obviously someone in the church was not okay with you marrying this guy.

Reply

Hoogyme | 0

#1427422 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:07

ydi for improper grammar

Reply

bballnsoftball | 0

#1428078 - Sunday 19 September 2010 20:22

I heard about sumthing like this but is was near Boston and it was a guests purse tht was stolen. sum ppl...

Reply

chuk_norris_fml | 0

#1432776 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 2:29

Why the hell would you assume it's stolen, OP??? You probably just misplaced it. Benefit of the doubt, OP. Seriously!

Reply

Jadwee96 | 8

#1483134 - Friday 1 October 2010 23:27

in Soviet Russia, you don't steal bag, bag steal you.

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1949123 - Monday 10 January 2011 5:37

F 100's life for being so annoying.

By Pixie333 | 6

#1425741 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

Awww... I'm sorry OP! That really sucks! Hope the rest of your day went better than the *first* part!

Reply

yomomasmoma | 0

#1426151 - Sunday 19 September 2010 10:18

hopefully it did but uuuuh pun fail :/

Reply

iicaptainjr | 0

#1427954 - Sunday 19 September 2010 19:32

Fail.

Reply

anythingidontnee | 0

#1429095 - Monday 20 September 2010 7:04

i was first but my comment isnt there any more :(

By Buchitoo | 4

#1425743 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

that suck. but don't let that ruin your wedding day.

Reply

Imnewhere | 21

#1426252 - Sunday 19 September 2010 11:13

hi beauful

Reply

LeftyPitcher | 0

#1428917 - Monday 20 September 2010 4:24

your a pretty sexy
have beatiful eyes

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429285 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:34

thanks guys :-)

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429289 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:36

well thnks leftypitcher :-) . and hi imnewhere.

Reply

UpYoursInAdvance | 0

#1432253 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 0:18

Buchitoo I swear to God if that's your real picture then you REALLY need to marry me..

By billieb_fml | 0

#1425793 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:09

hmmm.. maybe there was a wedding crasher? .. or don't just don't trust your family and friends anymore =(

Reply

CitrusGirl | 0

#1426878 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:16

churches are actually one of the most likely places for theft because thrives know the people are trusting there. Last year we got a guitar, a ps3 and half our mission trip money stolen

By ass2mouth | 0

#1425806 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:10

it only gets worse.

Reply

MagicalPegicorn | 0

#1426019 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:39

Guffaw!

By LittleMissShani | 0

#1425843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:14

Wow that's horrible:/

By astroid714 | 0

#1425889 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

it's a sign marry me instead bahaha that blows fyl

By farmvillelovah | 0

#1425896 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

OMG That Sucks! :|

By perdix | 29

#1425908 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:22

How convenient! The sinner scored some sweet loot, and then could confess his sin right then and there to ease his conscience. It's one-stop shopping for low-lifes.

#1 suspect: Your new husband.

I'll bet the ensuing identity theft will be one wedding gift you and your husband wish you could return, but I'm sure the thief wasn't thoughtful enough to include a gift receipt.