Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen.... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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Dangling modifier

Mr Sensitivity

Bad news

By Stupid - 1/3/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

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By Chris21 - 11/9/2019 22:04 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

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By Tanuki_paws - 26/8/2012 21:05 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

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By Genius - 25/6/2019 14:00

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

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By cjy152 - 21/9/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By pizzaface - 15/3/2010 11:50 - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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By jswag2004 - 11/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

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By FFS - 28/5/2015 17:41 - Cyprus - Limassol

Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

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By justcomesnaturally - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

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By screamo - 2/5/2009 20:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By sushichick - 15/4/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

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By JayBausch - 17/8/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML

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By FullOfNick - 10/9/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By fmymouth - 20/8/2015 04:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the motorcycle I paid cash for was an illegal import. My plates are canceled, I have to turn in the bike for it to be destroyed, and the seller has vanished off the face of the planet. FML

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By GreatParenting - 26/7/2015 22:47 - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

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By - 23/2/2020 20:00

That's a mother

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

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By mdp624 - 16/8/2012 12:10 - United States - Brookhaven

Today, I was T-boned while going through an intersection. The guy who hit me accused me of not using my turn signal. I was going straight. FML

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By irresponsible - 14/8/2010 20:41 - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

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By John doe - 11/4/2010 11:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 20:00

Today, a girl came up to me on a club dance floor and said, “Shut up and dance with me,” like the song lyrics, only I fell over on her while dancing, and she dislocated her ankle. I don’t think this woman is gonna be my destiny after that. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 14:22

Today, I had to cover for a coworker so I worked a 12-hour shift. I worked so late, I missed the final episode of Game of Thrones, which I have been really looking forward to. Guess who texted me, talking about how it ended? FML

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By anti88 - 1/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By magicman - 4/7/2012 09:04 - United States

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

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By c-mack - 8/9/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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By yuen - 16/6/2009 14:59 - Australia

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

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By lucywatson - 6/5/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a veterinarian, I received a complaint from a client. He said I sucked at my job, purely because I implied he should have brought his severely ill cat in a lot sooner. Which he should have. FML

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By TotallyDeservedIt - 19/5/2016 17:19 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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By creeper-status - 5/5/2016 17:37 - United States - Irvine

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

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By cheerbabeXoXo - 29/6/2013 21:49 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

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By em from Cali - 28/7/2012 08:07 - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

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By IHateSchool-.- - 11/12/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 02:00

Boring FML

Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML

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By anythingjean - 25/5/2009 21:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

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By Dave - 4/10/2012 14:44 - United States

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

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By ugh - 21/4/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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By 3023-dang - 15/10/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

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Top comments

By LittleMissRaven | 0

#1426099 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:59

There's a saying: The worse the wedding, the better the marriage. Here's to an AWESOME, long, and happy marriage.

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

COMMENTS

By anythingidontnee | 0

#1425734 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

first :)

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

Reply

jjames7543 | 13

#1425758 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:06

(think of the wedding theme)

Reply

turtlemansam | 6

#1425830 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:13

You know what they say!

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#1426698 - Sunday 19 September 2010 14:17

What does having an iPhone have to do with this?

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#1426843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

Wow that. Sucks. Why do. People type. Like this. In every. FML.

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1426847 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

cuz with mobile me for iPhone u can track ur iPhones location and find who or where ur stuff is

Reply

LexBvl | 4

#1427007 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:45

you deserved it for getting married.

Reply

MadameJello | 0

#1427173 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:19

I love your shirt btw :)

Reply

ily1210 | 10

#1427218 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:25

that sucks, but it goes to show people out there are scum :/

Reply

Melaniee_fml | 0

#1427277 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:39

obviously someone in the church was not okay with you marrying this guy.

Reply

Hoogyme | 0

#1427422 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:07

ydi for improper grammar

Reply

bballnsoftball | 0

#1428078 - Sunday 19 September 2010 20:22

I heard about sumthing like this but is was near Boston and it was a guests purse tht was stolen. sum ppl...

Reply

chuk_norris_fml | 0

#1432776 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 2:29

Why the hell would you assume it's stolen, OP??? You probably just misplaced it. Benefit of the doubt, OP. Seriously!

Reply

Jadwee96 | 8

#1483134 - Friday 1 October 2010 23:27

in Soviet Russia, you don't steal bag, bag steal you.

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1949123 - Monday 10 January 2011 5:37

F 100's life for being so annoying.

By Pixie333 | 6

#1425741 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

Awww... I'm sorry OP! That really sucks! Hope the rest of your day went better than the *first* part!

Reply

yomomasmoma | 0

#1426151 - Sunday 19 September 2010 10:18

hopefully it did but uuuuh pun fail :/

Reply

iicaptainjr | 0

#1427954 - Sunday 19 September 2010 19:32

Fail.

Reply

anythingidontnee | 0

#1429095 - Monday 20 September 2010 7:04

i was first but my comment isnt there any more :(

By Buchitoo | 4

#1425743 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

that suck. but don't let that ruin your wedding day.

Reply

Imnewhere | 21

#1426252 - Sunday 19 September 2010 11:13

hi beauful

Reply

LeftyPitcher | 0

#1428917 - Monday 20 September 2010 4:24

your a pretty sexy
have beatiful eyes

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429285 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:34

thanks guys :-)

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429289 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:36

well thnks leftypitcher :-) . and hi imnewhere.

Reply

UpYoursInAdvance | 0

#1432253 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 0:18

Buchitoo I swear to God if that's your real picture then you REALLY need to marry me..

By billieb_fml | 0

#1425793 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:09

hmmm.. maybe there was a wedding crasher? .. or don't just don't trust your family and friends anymore =(

Reply

CitrusGirl | 0

#1426878 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:16

churches are actually one of the most likely places for theft because thrives know the people are trusting there. Last year we got a guitar, a ps3 and half our mission trip money stolen

By ass2mouth | 0

#1425806 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:10

it only gets worse.

Reply

MagicalPegicorn | 0

#1426019 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:39

Guffaw!

By LittleMissShani | 0

#1425843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:14

Wow that's horrible:/

By astroid714 | 0

#1425889 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

it's a sign marry me instead bahaha that blows fyl

By farmvillelovah | 0

#1425896 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

OMG That Sucks! :|

By perdix | 29

#1425908 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:22

How convenient! The sinner scored some sweet loot, and then could confess his sin right then and there to ease his conscience. It's one-stop shopping for low-lifes.

#1 suspect: Your new husband.

I'll bet the ensuing identity theft will be one wedding gift you and your husband wish you could return, but I'm sure the thief wasn't thoughtful enough to include a gift receipt.