Money: Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen.... - FML

By Anonymous - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Buzzing the tower

Jonah begs to differ

By khaelian - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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By very punny - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

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By Country - 12/2/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Happy Valentine's…

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

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By extrashiftwhoo - Australia - Preston

Today, I really didn't want to go to work. Still, I showed up for work early on the busiest night of the week and stayed back until past 10 p.m. Exhausted, I went to sign off the roster when I realised that, in fact, I was not rostered on for today at all. I'm on tomorrow, though. FML

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By fataldisease - France

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

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By Mal - United States

Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML

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By fml9124

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

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By katwingz - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

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By hairy - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

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By IronMonkey - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By deflated - Ireland

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

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By HauntLife

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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By meee - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By Sick As Hell - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 08:00

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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By driver - New Zealand

Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a longhaul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose. 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response: "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML

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By danrocketman - United States

Today, I got a job in my university library. My job title is technical services. My actual job is pulling off the book label for the scanner and putting a new one on. For six hours a day. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By uterurist - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

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By hugs511 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Unfair

Today, I got a call from work stating that my employment was being terminated. This was after being suspended while they investigated my sexual harassment claim. Their reason for firing me: misuse of company time. Yes, I suppose reporting being sexually harassed is a huge waste of time. FML

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By knepmj - United States

Today, I got locked inside my apartment due to the locking mechanism being stuck, so I had to call off work. They refused to believe me, and insisted that I be in on time or else there would be disciplinary actions taken. Maintenance wasn't available till 3 hours into my shift. FML

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By CrystalsDontWork - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer. FML

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By bdavis - Canada

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

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By AreYouSerious

Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML

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By brutality - Canada

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to remove a splinter from one of my roommates. This would have been better if the splinter wasn't deeply lodged in their asscheek. FML

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By greenandswirly - United States - Columbia City

Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn't hurt so much. Now I can't even go for a leisurely walk. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

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By Jeathrow - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

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By Baboosh - Canada

Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML

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By anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML

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By The hopeful

Today, my ex-boyfriend called me. I was really excited, thinking he wanted to get back together. He just wanted to get back the Christmas present he gave me before we broke up so that he could return it for cash. FML

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By haveahappyperiod

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

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Top comments

By LittleMissRaven | 0

#1426099 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:59

There's a saying: The worse the wedding, the better the marriage. Here's to an AWESOME, long, and happy marriage.

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

COMMENTS

By anythingidontnee | 0

#1425734 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

first :)

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

Reply

jjames7543 | 13

#1425758 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:06

(think of the wedding theme)

Reply

turtlemansam | 6

#1425830 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:13

You know what they say!

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#1426698 - Sunday 19 September 2010 14:17

What does having an iPhone have to do with this?

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#1426843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

Wow that. Sucks. Why do. People type. Like this. In every. FML.

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1426847 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

cuz with mobile me for iPhone u can track ur iPhones location and find who or where ur stuff is

Reply

LexBvl | 4

#1427007 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:45

you deserved it for getting married.

Reply

MadameJello | 0

#1427173 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:19

I love your shirt btw :)

Reply

ily1210 | 10

#1427218 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:25

that sucks, but it goes to show people out there are scum :/

Reply

Melaniee_fml | 0

#1427277 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:39

obviously someone in the church was not okay with you marrying this guy.

Reply

Hoogyme | 0

#1427422 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:07

ydi for improper grammar

Reply

bballnsoftball | 0

#1428078 - Sunday 19 September 2010 20:22

I heard about sumthing like this but is was near Boston and it was a guests purse tht was stolen. sum ppl...

Reply

chuk_norris_fml | 0

#1432776 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 2:29

Why the hell would you assume it's stolen, OP??? You probably just misplaced it. Benefit of the doubt, OP. Seriously!

Reply

Jadwee96 | 8

#1483134 - Friday 1 October 2010 23:27

in Soviet Russia, you don't steal bag, bag steal you.

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1949123 - Monday 10 January 2011 5:37

F 100's life for being so annoying.

By Pixie333 | 6

#1425741 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

Awww... I'm sorry OP! That really sucks! Hope the rest of your day went better than the *first* part!

Reply

yomomasmoma | 0

#1426151 - Sunday 19 September 2010 10:18

hopefully it did but uuuuh pun fail :/

Reply

iicaptainjr | 0

#1427954 - Sunday 19 September 2010 19:32

Fail.

Reply

anythingidontnee | 0

#1429095 - Monday 20 September 2010 7:04

i was first but my comment isnt there any more :(

By Buchitoo | 4

#1425743 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

that suck. but don't let that ruin your wedding day.

Reply

Imnewhere | 21

#1426252 - Sunday 19 September 2010 11:13

hi beauful

Reply

LeftyPitcher | 0

#1428917 - Monday 20 September 2010 4:24

your a pretty sexy
have beatiful eyes

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429285 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:34

thanks guys :-)

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429289 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:36

well thnks leftypitcher :-) . and hi imnewhere.

Reply

UpYoursInAdvance | 0

#1432253 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 0:18

Buchitoo I swear to God if that's your real picture then you REALLY need to marry me..

By billieb_fml | 0

#1425793 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:09

hmmm.. maybe there was a wedding crasher? .. or don't just don't trust your family and friends anymore =(

Reply

CitrusGirl | 0

#1426878 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:16

churches are actually one of the most likely places for theft because thrives know the people are trusting there. Last year we got a guitar, a ps3 and half our mission trip money stolen

By ass2mouth | 0

#1425806 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:10

it only gets worse.

Reply

MagicalPegicorn | 0

#1426019 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:39

Guffaw!

By LittleMissShani | 0

#1425843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:14

Wow that's horrible:/

By astroid714 | 0

#1425889 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

it's a sign marry me instead bahaha that blows fyl

By farmvillelovah | 0

#1425896 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

OMG That Sucks! :|

By perdix | 29

#1425908 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:22

How convenient! The sinner scored some sweet loot, and then could confess his sin right then and there to ease his conscience. It's one-stop shopping for low-lifes.

#1 suspect: Your new husband.

I'll bet the ensuing identity theft will be one wedding gift you and your husband wish you could return, but I'm sure the thief wasn't thoughtful enough to include a gift receipt.