Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen.... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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Caught red-handed

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By Mrs. Terrified - 23/10/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2017 18:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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By maddy - 21/1/2009 17:03 - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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By MoRuined - 9/10/2014 10:27 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By swervelol - 20/8/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By theDarkandtheLight - 11/6/2017 20:00

Star Bores

Today, my boyfriend and I binged Star Wars. Now he keeps talking about how the Empire is superior to the Republic, digging up Reddit threads / YouTube videos / expressing his own political ideas to convince me of this. I just wanted to watch the movies. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2019 04:30

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

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By shouldhaveknown - 26/6/2009 14:22 - Australia

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

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By zcollins - 10/9/2013 15:52 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By lalala - 14/6/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

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By RedWaters - 6/3/2013 20:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

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By NotMacklemore - 13/2/2015 04:59 - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

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By shades - 9/1/2012 03:43 - United Kingdom

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

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By Anon - 26/12/2015 02:03 - United States

Today, I thought my mom and I could put aside our differences and open our Christmas presents. When she opened mine, she turned to my dad and said she didn't want the present, so I could give it to someone else. 'Tis the season. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 20:22 - United States

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 14:45 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By nocanhaz - 16/8/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By cartrouble - 2/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

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By bass - 22/9/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By leftoutdrunk - 5/5/2012 18:12 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

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By titillating - 12/3/2012 04:28 - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

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By Pissed Off - 7/3/2009 10:13 - Australia

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

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By GasFromThePast - 24/11/2018 16:40 - United States - Cambridge

Today, I smelled gas when entering my apartment. I checked everything and then left to seek help. I was told to call 911, which resulted in two firetrucks and 10+ firefighters, one of which was my high school sweetheart, entering my messy apartment and finding nothing wrong. FML

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By muffdriver - 26/12/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

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By antwo - 22/1/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By megan228 - 20/3/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we got inside my mom yells to me "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 00:49 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a co-worker asked me if I have a Facebook account, and I said I do. I had to politely smile as he spent the next half hour insulting me for supposedly being glued to it 24/7, before claiming that it's all a CIA front to steal people's social security details. Why are nutjobs like this even alive? FML

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By Kfeaaa - 24/2/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

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By beckbm23 - 21/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

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By blahmina - 23/1/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

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By Bigbaby - 11/6/2015 22:29 - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By beachbumb8538 - 15/7/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

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By embarassed - 21/4/2011 03:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

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By Jman6295 - 8/1/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

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By mykodu - 2/10/2014 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

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By no - 11/9/2014 01:47 - United States - Worcester

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

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By limecat - 6/10/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I was stopped by a cop while walking down the street. He was slowly trailing me before pulling along side of me and asking how my night was going. He then said, "You know I can't let you do this. Know those new jeans you bought? The sticker is still on the leg" and drove off. FML

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Top comments

By LittleMissRaven | 0

#1426099 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:59

There's a saying: The worse the wedding, the better the marriage. Here's to an AWESOME, long, and happy marriage.

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

Comments

By anythingidontnee | 0

#1425734 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

first :)

By jjames7543 | 13

#1425739 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

da-da-da-damn :/

Reply

jjames7543 | 13

#1425758 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:06

(think of the wedding theme)

Reply

turtlemansam | 6

#1425830 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:13

You know what they say!

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#1426698 - Sunday 19 September 2010 14:17

What does having an iPhone have to do with this?

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#1426843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

Wow that. Sucks. Why do. People type. Like this. In every. FML.

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1426847 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:10

cuz with mobile me for iPhone u can track ur iPhones location and find who or where ur stuff is

Reply

LexBvl | 4

#1427007 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:45

you deserved it for getting married.

Reply

MadameJello | 0

#1427173 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:19

I love your shirt btw :)

Reply

ily1210 | 10

#1427218 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:25

that sucks, but it goes to show people out there are scum :/

Reply

Melaniee_fml | 0

#1427277 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:39

obviously someone in the church was not okay with you marrying this guy.

Reply

Hoogyme | 0

#1427422 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:07

ydi for improper grammar

Reply

bballnsoftball | 0

#1428078 - Sunday 19 September 2010 20:22

I heard about sumthing like this but is was near Boston and it was a guests purse tht was stolen. sum ppl...

Reply

chuk_norris_fml | 0

#1432776 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 2:29

Why the hell would you assume it's stolen, OP??? You probably just misplaced it. Benefit of the doubt, OP. Seriously!

Reply

Jadwee96 | 8

#1483134 - Friday 1 October 2010 23:27

in Soviet Russia, you don't steal bag, bag steal you.

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1949123 - Monday 10 January 2011 5:37

F 100's life for being so annoying.

By Pixie333 | 6

#1425741 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

Awww... I'm sorry OP! That really sucks! Hope the rest of your day went better than the *first* part!

Reply

yomomasmoma | 0

#1426151 - Sunday 19 September 2010 10:18

hopefully it did but uuuuh pun fail :/

Reply

iicaptainjr | 0

#1427954 - Sunday 19 September 2010 19:32

Fail.

Reply

anythingidontnee | 0

#1429095 - Monday 20 September 2010 7:04

i was first but my comment isnt there any more :(

By Buchitoo | 4

#1425743 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:03

that suck. but don't let that ruin your wedding day.

Reply

Imnewhere | 21

#1426252 - Sunday 19 September 2010 11:13

hi beauful

Reply

LeftyPitcher | 0

#1428917 - Monday 20 September 2010 4:24

your a pretty sexy
have beatiful eyes

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429285 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:34

thanks guys :-)

Reply

Buchitoo | 4

#1429289 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:36

well thnks leftypitcher :-) . and hi imnewhere.

Reply

UpYoursInAdvance | 0

#1432253 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 0:18

Buchitoo I swear to God if that's your real picture then you REALLY need to marry me..

By billieb_fml | 0

#1425793 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:09

hmmm.. maybe there was a wedding crasher? .. or don't just don't trust your family and friends anymore =(

Reply

CitrusGirl | 0

#1426878 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:16

churches are actually one of the most likely places for theft because thrives know the people are trusting there. Last year we got a guitar, a ps3 and half our mission trip money stolen

By ass2mouth | 0

#1425806 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:10

it only gets worse.

Reply

MagicalPegicorn | 0

#1426019 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:39

Guffaw!

By LittleMissShani | 0

#1425843 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:14

Wow that's horrible:/

By astroid714 | 0

#1425889 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

it's a sign marry me instead bahaha that blows fyl

By farmvillelovah | 0

#1425896 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:20

OMG That Sucks! :|

By perdix | 29

#1425908 - Sunday 19 September 2010 9:22

How convenient! The sinner scored some sweet loot, and then could confess his sin right then and there to ease his conscience. It's one-stop shopping for low-lifes.

#1 suspect: Your new husband.

I'll bet the ensuing identity theft will be one wedding gift you and your husband wish you could return, but I'm sure the thief wasn't thoughtful enough to include a gift receipt.