Kids: Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My...

By Toaster - United States

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

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Kids

This Charming Man

Stubborn

Unrequited lover

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my grandmother. Turns out my father found out about my elopement with my husband through my stepmother, because someone she works with told her. We were planning on it being a surprise, and telling people on Christmas. My father won't even talk to me now. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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By happyturtle - Croatia

Today, someone stole my umbrella. It was pouring heavily, and I was using it at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By bullseyed - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

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By Devildrake - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

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By sodapants - United States - San Francisco

Today, a man came by with a large drink and sat next to me in the bus terminal. In all his wisdom, he tried setting it between the seats. Naturally, it spilled all over me. I now have to sit with a soaked pair of pants and a wet carry on from Nashville to Atlanta. The bus trip is 5 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

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By antwo - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By 14YearOld - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

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By how the fuck did this happen?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

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3127

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By chris - United States

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I held hands with a male mannequin in a department store, just to remember what holding hands felt like. FML

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By ECullen - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Wrong end of the stick

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

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Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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2834

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By Someguy - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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14843

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By Gee

Today, I helped a stranger exchange 3,000 Argentinian pesos for US dollars through my bank. They gave him $3,000. The exchange rate is close to $195. My bank realized their mistake and now my bank account is -$2,805 expecting me to pay it back. All this happened before my recent paycheck came in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By Leijabug

Today, my best friend and I decided to dye our hair blue. We didn’t mean to also dye the ceiling, walls, shower, or floor. We DEFINITELY didn’t mean to dye our faces the day before school pictures that cannot be rescheduled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my husband still hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas, so I bought and wrapped my own presents. Then I had my husband write 'to me, from him' on them so that I won't be embarrassed in front of my family on Christmas when it comes time to open presents. FML

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By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By idrow

Today, a bear dragged my neighbor's garbage across the street and stopped right in the middle of my front yard, where it proceeded to scatter the contents and have a feast. When it was finished, it took a massive dump on my lawn. FML

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2952

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By mikay1413

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By soldnone - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

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By elevator-troubles - Australia

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

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By wow - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

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By junior07

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By GrossedOut - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By twinArmageddon2 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

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By Mrs. W. - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

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By Small_Fry_Hero - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my sister, my roommate, and my girlfriend. Half way through the movie, my girlfriend left the room and texted me that she was breaking up with me. She then came back in the room, sat on my bed, and enjoyed the rest of the movie with us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

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Top comments

By Xerosnake90 | 0

#443806 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:14

Pwned.

By Dosse | 0

#443809 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:15

Wow. She's a sneaky one!

COMMENTS

By Xerosnake90 | 0

#443806 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:14

Pwned.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#444001 - Friday 31 July 2009 1:06

I'm gonna back this statement, and add that your sister is one BAMF

volleyballgirl16 | 0

#444168 - Friday 31 July 2009 4:28

haha i know right
OP kids these days are getting worse but that is undeniably funny

nightDREAMERms | 6

#444189 - Friday 31 July 2009 4:25

Bad-Ass-Mother-F*cker

hairt | 4

#1350146 - Saturday 4 September 2010 14:09

fuck your sis lmao hate kids like her. she'll grow up to be a whore like one of the mean girls. lol. better discipline her properly.

medotcom | 0

#2480621 - Monday 9 May 2011 5:45

111-she's 8, how can you say that?

MrNiceGuy518 | 3

#4045895 - Friday 17 February 2012 5:39

Ever played a video game online #117?

MrNiceGuy518 | 3

#4045906 - Friday 17 February 2012 5:41

Sorry I misread your post 117. Everybody ignore what I just wrote.

By Dosse | 0

#443809 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:15

Wow. She's a sneaky one!

goingsolo211 | 8

#2737654 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 19:02

She must be a ginger

By dRose22 | 0

#443814 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:15

Your sister is a bad ass

seb12992 | 0

#443955 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:54

And his mom is a dumbass.

djb23 | 0

#443982 - Friday 31 July 2009 1:00

there's no way she grounded him for a month for something like that. i call shenanigans!

xiShawnx | 0

#1084653 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:58

rofl shenanigans(:

By lexilovesyou | 0

#443821 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By FabuliciousGirly | 0

#443823 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

crazieeli | 0

#444156 - Friday 31 July 2009 3:53

why? do you like being grounded or something? o.O

By FabuliciousGirly | 0

#443824 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:17

I wish I had a sister like tht!

By jumpgurl23 | 0

#443828 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:18

wow hahaha really i feel like this one would have never been picked and alot of other ones if the Jackass crew werent picking. IM dieing from reading these. and this is something my 3 yr old sister would do. only she says fuck you.