Kids: Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My...

By Toaster - United States

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

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Kids

Understandable

White line fever

Age ain't nothing but a number

By MissCan'tKeepAJob - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 23:01

I'm a mess

Today, I went in to return a pack of socks. The cashier told me I couldn't return them. Then, I thought that she hadn't given the unreturnable socks back to me, even though she had, so I ended up getting all hormonal and angry over their return policy. When I got home, my mom got on my case too. FML

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By Dig4life - United States - Kent

Today, after telling my mom that I'll be going to Las Vegas with my dad for my 21st birthday, she started ranting about how my dad always wanted to abort me and that she was the only one who actually wanted me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ellicott City

Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

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By meowymomma - United States

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

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By meowmeow - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

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By are you kidding me? - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

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13442

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By lawdwhy

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

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By Erica - United States - Mountain View

Today, my boyfriend and I were out cliff jumping, when for the first time, he told me he loved me. I panicked and pushed him over the edge and into the water. He's now in hospital. FML

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By awkward.. - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my boyfriend complimented me on how he liked my freckles down below. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they were just razor rash. FML

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By Bwberry

Today, I spent hours hand-painting an awesome design on a gift for a friend. My husband was supposed to assemble it when I finished, but when I stepped back to admire my work, he informed me that the whole thing was sideways. He watched me paint it. FML

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By Waterer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I watered a dying communal plant. I was fined $250 for littering. FML

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23774

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By notaslut - United States - Greeley

Stay safe

Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML

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By trainE - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

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By Jimmy - Australia

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a skinhead sucker-punched me in the gut, grabbed my football, and ran away, giggling like a maniac. FML

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By katiebabby - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By lovehurts - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 05:02

And probably giggling

Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

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By Hatty - United Kingdom

What the fuck was that?

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

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By LogicalMolly - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By a7xforever - United Kingdom

Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML

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By upsetandannoyed - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent 4 hours cleaning my apartment. 2 minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

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By grounded. - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

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By GrandmaShakers - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

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By somanybirds - United States - Jacksonville

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

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By sydstreet - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By not_so_sweet_sixteen - United States

Today, was my sixteenth birthday. I was hoping to get a car. Instead, my parents got me a 3 month membership at the gym so I can lose weight. FML

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By TheHarvardian - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

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By hockey - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By buzzzzkill - United States

Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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Top comments

By Xerosnake90 | 0

#443806 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:14

Pwned.

By Dosse | 0

#443809 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:15

Wow. She's a sneaky one!

COMMENTS

By Xerosnake90 | 0

#443806 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:14

Pwned.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#444001 - Friday 31 July 2009 1:06

I'm gonna back this statement, and add that your sister is one BAMF

volleyballgirl16 | 0

#444168 - Friday 31 July 2009 4:28

haha i know right
OP kids these days are getting worse but that is undeniably funny

nightDREAMERms | 6

#444189 - Friday 31 July 2009 4:25

Bad-Ass-Mother-F*cker

hairt | 4

#1350146 - Saturday 4 September 2010 14:09

fuck your sis lmao hate kids like her. she'll grow up to be a whore like one of the mean girls. lol. better discipline her properly.

medotcom | 0

#2480621 - Monday 9 May 2011 5:45

111-she's 8, how can you say that?

MrNiceGuy518 | 3

#4045895 - Friday 17 February 2012 5:39

Ever played a video game online #117?

MrNiceGuy518 | 3

#4045906 - Friday 17 February 2012 5:41

Sorry I misread your post 117. Everybody ignore what I just wrote.

By Dosse | 0

#443809 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:15

Wow. She's a sneaky one!

goingsolo211 | 8

#2737654 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 19:02

She must be a ginger

By dRose22 | 0

#443814 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:15

Your sister is a bad ass

seb12992 | 0

#443955 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:54

And his mom is a dumbass.

djb23 | 0

#443982 - Friday 31 July 2009 1:00

there's no way she grounded him for a month for something like that. i call shenanigans!

xiShawnx | 0

#1084653 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:58

rofl shenanigans(:

By lexilovesyou | 0

#443821 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By FabuliciousGirly | 0

#443823 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

crazieeli | 0

#444156 - Friday 31 July 2009 3:53

why? do you like being grounded or something? o.O

By FabuliciousGirly | 0

#443824 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:17

I wish I had a sister like tht!

By jumpgurl23 | 0

#443828 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:18

wow hahaha really i feel like this one would have never been picked and alot of other ones if the Jackass crew werent picking. IM dieing from reading these. and this is something my 3 yr old sister would do. only she says fuck you.