Work: Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't...

By soontobehobo - United States - Mankato

Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML

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Work

QUIET PLEASE

Haircut, haircuuuut

Stalker vibes

By Oops - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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7770

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By lakb

Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Bologna

Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

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By spitball101 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By cereal stepper

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

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7651

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By oops - Netherlands - Nieuwe-niedorp

Today, after spending almost an hour in the dentist's waiting room, watching other people get called in for their appointments, I finally lost my patience and asked the receptionist what was taking so long. I'd forgotten to sign in. FML

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By Gemini gang

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

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By :( - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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By Unreciprocated - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

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By Anonymous

Office life sucks

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

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By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Today, I was out shopping with my mom. While we were walking, a guy in a car honked at me. I'm not used to compliments, so I was pretty flattered and flashed him a smile. He looked back at me, confused, then shook his head and pointed at my mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

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158

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

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29313

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By breeeeeh - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

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By fretting - United States - Fort White

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

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By safetyfirst - Taiwan

Gift for you

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 08:01

Morning conversation

Today, I went into the bathroom only to discover my dad on the pot. “Oh, sorry”, I say and turn to leave. His reply, “Oh I don’t mind. Just having a shit here.” FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 11:01

Pace yourself

Today, for my 18th birthday, I went out to a club with my mate and I drank so much I ended up breaking my nose. I was there for an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

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By hfs palm - United States

Today, my husband let my 8-year-old twins play with handcuffs. I thought my husband was pretending he had lost the key but after 4 hours, he walked in with his head down and said, "I've made a terrible mistake honey." FML

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By rplovez - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

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By Rev - United States

Today, I was working at Coldstone. When a customer tips us we are required to sing. A late night DJ came in, put 20 dollars in the tip cup, and asked to hear every song we had. After we sang one song he looked at me and asked me to please stop singing or he was taking his money back. FML

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By welpwelpwelp - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a party, I ran into the girl I've liked for ages. I was so nervous, but I managed to keep the conversation going for a half hour. After mustering up the courage to ask her out on a date, her drunk, over-protective ex burst in and threw up on my shirt. Good timing, asswipe. FML

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By DormHater - United States

Today, I helped move my current boyfriend into his new dorm room. This would've been fine if I didn't have to do this while avoiding eye contact with my ex-boyfriend, who just happens to be my boyfriend's new roommate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By bachelor - United States

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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1792

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By deargodwhy - 4/9/2020 10:03

Throwing shade

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By financially_wreckd

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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36454

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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28724

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By xYumix - United States

Today, I was late for an interview. Going into the elevator, a man ran up to the doors but since I was late, I pressed the "close" button. When I arrived to the office, the secretary asked me to wait. The boss walked in to interview me. The man whose face I closed the elevator doors on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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26526

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By blehhh - United States

Today, I went to see my gynecologist. She was writing my symptoms up in my chart on her computer. After a little while, I noticed that she had a confused look on her face and was reading something instead. When I took a peek at the computer screen, I saw that she was Googling my symptoms. FML

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By Ahlph

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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Top comments

By Bloink | 25

#6060024 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:15

my mom is like that, she yells at me for not doing something, but she forgets to tell me to do it in the first place

By DerrickJames | 33

#6060021 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:09

Hollister co. does a similar thing :/ You get slowly iced out.

COMMENTS

By DerrickJames | 33

#6060021 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:09

Hollister co. does a similar thing :/ You get slowly iced out.

Jreslier | 15

#6060136 - Monday 8 September 2014 18:11

Wow that's interesting, you should write a book about that!

LiliLatte | 15

#6060416 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 1:12

#29 personally, I wouldn't want to read about Hollister's way of laying off their employees

By Bloink | 25

#6060024 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:15

my mom is like that, she yells at me for not doing something, but she forgets to tell me to do it in the first place

MichellinMan | 20

#6060036 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:32

AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE

killuhand | 12

#6060051 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:53

call HR

EverestMelting | 23

#6060074 - Monday 8 September 2014 16:21

I enjoyed your comment #18. Have an upvote.

HJKM_fml | 19

#6060214 - Monday 8 September 2014 19:57

@18 OP already talked to HR. They were the ones who forgot to tell OP they were laid off in the first place.

jamiro11 | 19

#6060299 - Monday 8 September 2014 22:10

finally! i am no longer alone!

By Kranthi | 13

#6060025 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:16

You'll soon get a better job probably.
Don't worry.

jerryj | 27

#6060090 - Monday 8 September 2014 16:53

You make it sound like OP can passively wait and better job offers will suddenly appear, overflowing from her pockets.

By Dlzq | 22

#6060027 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:18

Fucking cunts.

CrAzYELF4 | 26

#6060050 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:53

That really isn't necessary to say. It isn't helping anything.

Dlzq | 22

#6060283 - Monday 8 September 2014 21:39

Comments are supposed to help? Help what?

By woainishamu | 21

#6060028 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:18

HR = How Ridiculous

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6060046 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:48

What you did there, I see it

LunarServant | 10

#6062127 - Thursday 11 September 2014 12:35

Damnit. You beat me to it.

By kAPISH | 29

#6060029 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:18

This is where you should've replied "I was just calling letting you know i quit"

Senseless_487 | 29

#6060244 - Monday 8 September 2014 20:37

Nah, getting laid off is better. Now OP can file for unemployment!

kAPISH | 29

#6060421 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 1:18

Since she was already laid of it wouldn't do any matter if she said she was quitting though

By Baucis | 10

#6060032 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:19

This place obviously has their shit together, very professional.

By ahole69 | 2

#6060034 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:25

You could always suck cock on the corner that is the oldest profession by the way I always tip if she swallows

MichellinMan | 20

#6060043 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:43

Dude...?

jerryj | 27

#6060093 - Monday 8 September 2014 16:54

Check his username and suddenly it's not so surprising that he would post such drivel.

rachangie | 19

#6060148 - Monday 8 September 2014 18:42

And girls you pay are probably the only ones that would go near it.

23lf | 16

#6060183 - Monday 8 September 2014 19:34

Hell, the girls he pays don't even want to

ThatWeirdoChick | 2

#7916460 - Thursday 25 June 2020 21:16

you live up to your username, huh?

By Ltsdragons | 19

#6060035 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:27

Dang OP, I'm sorry, but on the bright side, you might find a job soon that you'll like more than your job that forgot to tell you they laid you off

By shinxanta | 21

#6060045 - Monday 8 September 2014 15:45

Aren't they required to call you or something? Like legal-wise?