Kids: Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 432

You deserved it 3 215

Age difference

Family heirloom

Thanks dude

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 00:01 - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 083

You deserved it 192

By Stuck - 15/07/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 742

You deserved it 14 355

Expensive hobby

By astalkerindeed - 16/05/2013 04:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 647

You deserved it 6 456

By sober judge - 03/10/2013 03:46 - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 527

You deserved it 7 837

By Anonymous - 02/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 877

You deserved it 8 983

Great, some ice cream!

By Anna - 11/10/2019 06:00

Today, after three years of working at my current occupation, they decided to give me a bonus for all of my hard work and effort. A 5$ gift card to Cold Stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 589

You deserved it 185

By Mom - 25/07/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my son decided to come out of the closet by wearing a shirt that said "Mom, I'm gay" to the family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 807

You deserved it 26 169

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 23:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 174

You deserved it 51 234

By HateTheBus - 18/03/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 344

You deserved it 195

By sick of this shit - 12/03/2016 13:33 - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 882

You deserved it 1 739

By Anonymous - 06/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower I noticed a short, black hair on my loofa. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 716

You deserved it 8 901

By jl_word - 04/02/2015 21:49 - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 586

You deserved it 3 822

By no - 20/03/2014 22:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 775

You deserved it 5 451

By INeedaNewJob - 16/11/2014 23:25 - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 398

You deserved it 3 648

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 14:00 - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 097

You deserved it 4 151

By mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn - 03/09/2012 08:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 999

You deserved it 2 199

By morning_glory - 27/01/2015 21:17 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss expected me to corroborate her lie to a customer. She changed her story suddenly and I got caught up in the crosshairs. Then she got mad at me for not understanding what just happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 783

You deserved it 2 239

By starbird - 23/02/2009 19:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 924

You deserved it 10 600

Dr Who

By llamaborn - 05/04/2021 14:00

Today, at the age of 21, I learned that the phrase, “A stitch in time saves nine” is not about traveling back in time and saving nine people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 660

Bizarre topping

By Grossed out - 10/11/2021 11:00

Today, I was eating an ice cream on a sidewalk and some woman decided it was time to clip her toenails on her balcony above me. One of the nail shards fell onto my ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 75

By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 223

You deserved it 2 983

By Ladieda - 28/05/2012 10:15 - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 562

You deserved it 2 534

By Crushed - 07/07/2019 12:00

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 278

By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - 25/08/2009 08:47 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 255

You deserved it 11 015

Piercing wit

By piercingfreak - 28/08/2011 10:41 - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 803

You deserved it 4 097

By Anonymous - 11/09/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 401

You deserved it 18 038

By snakeboy - 24/08/2009 04:49 - Australia

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 457

You deserved it 47 716

By Annomymous - 23/01/2015 18:12 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 811

You deserved it 4 861

By Blindjac - 20/02/2019 16:00

Today was my moms wedding and I was the maid of honor! I was so excited to walk down the isle with my mom, but the church was so dry I got a bloody nose 5 minutes before going down. I couldn’t go down the isle or watch my mom go down either. I had to stay in the back and hold my nose up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 194

You deserved it 175

By myworstday - 05/04/2016 01:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was let go from an unpaid internship. The reasons cited was that I seemed unhappy at work. No, that's just my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 811

You deserved it 1 990

By Ibrowtheedge - 16/08/2018 20:30

Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 332

You deserved it 450

Can you hear me, Dave?

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 039

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 06/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 395

You deserved it 1 377

By sucks_brah - 25/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 225

You deserved it 2 506

By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 3 757

Checks out

By Asirual - 02/05/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 368

You deserved it 13 145

Perfect timing...

By modprobs - 03/08/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 669

You deserved it 269

By Anonymous - 17/07/2013 17:38 - United States - Monroe

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 096

You deserved it 3 824

Thanks for the heads up

By thanksma - 29/01/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 735

You deserved it 633

Don't blame me

By anonymous - 15/11/2020 05:02 - United States

Today, I got suspended from school for smoking in the stairs. I'm grounded for a month without my phone, TV or any type of social connection. All of this would seem like a fair enough punishment if I actually smoked, but instead I just smell like my parent's second-hand smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 124

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Top comments

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:55

I'd be pissed.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:56

If he ever complains he's hot, pee on him. He'll get it.

Comments

omfg_creepers 8

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:54

What gave him that idea?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:08

Did it still cool it down?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:21

Don't worry, it builds character.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:23

seems a strange thing to come up with very weird

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:29

My god! How did he manage that?

Brool_Story_Co 17

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:00

39- By opening up the oven and pissing in it. It's not that hard.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:05

54, cool explanation bro.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:26

59- Not only are those jokes as old and unfunny as the arrow to the knee jokes, but the slight alteration you added, made you sound like a total douche.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:33

Yeah the arrow to the knee thing is kinda getting old. Let's all leave that alone for a couple of days or a month or two and it'll be funny again when someone brings it back up.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:35

And you expect the whole Internet to read that post? Fair enough.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:47

OP YDI for having a kid with R Kelly

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 23:06

Ok so the world still favors that joke… ok, but I promise it will die out even if it takes the apocalypse to kill it.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:39

I thought arrow to the knee jokes died with the apocalypse, then I took an arrow in the knee.

ColdplaySucks 18

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:10

I wasn't the smartest 10 year old but peeing in an oven qualifies you as "Fucken Idiot."

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:12

#79 It was her brother not son. Read the FML again.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:31

Well did it work?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:55

What a nice armona to add to your house.

googlefrewdnoob 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:01

Don't you mean " what a nice ammonia" hey, hey?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:28

Lol I've never seen aroma spent quite like that. Made me laugh to be honest. :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:06

Gee I've never seen spelt spelt like that. ;D

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:45

i guess OP's brother was pissed off and needed to cool down

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:55

I'd be pissed.

noshatsherlockk 15

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:57

I see what you did there.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:27

So did everyone else on FML...

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:09

Help! It's the hyperbole police!

monkeysareyummy 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:53

noshatsherlockk? Who says shat?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 21:38

Story, you might want to go back to fifth grade and relearn your vocab words. :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:30

And 60 goes to jail for making a fraudulent emergency call.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 3:24

75- Pretty sure 37 used a hyperbole.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:18

No, everyone on Fml has more than likely seen piss puns too many times to count.

googlefrewdnoob 0

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Friday 30 December 2011 23:16

You, obviously

Insomniasenemy 6

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Friday 6 January 2012 7:32

I giggled that was almost funny but not that funny (this is me being nice when it's line 1 AM)

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:56

If he ever complains he's hot, pee on him. He'll get it.

fo_86 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:26

Or if he's cold drop a load on him...too far?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:41

Just a tad but we'll forgive you.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:48

Too far...

screamo_neve 12

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:03

No, we won't forgive you.

fo_86 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 22:49

Wow you people are very bitter. Just joking around. No more posts on here. INTERNET BULLIES be proud...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:05

87- so long, pal! *round of applause as he exits the room*

isitinmybedroom 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:56

Problem?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:00

You mad bro?

lovelydarlings 6

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:56

Don't let your brother near ovens anymore...

DontModMeDammit 10

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:57

Why would you need to cool off the oven?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:57

I'd kill him with the smell. I'd just do it, no questions how.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:14

How? *troll face*

trippythehippy 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:28

Yes. Do tell...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 23:58

So. Much. Suspense.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:57

Good thing he didn't take a sh*t in the oven

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:58

Cooling it off with 98.6 degree urine? Your brother isn't the brightest, is he?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:02

how would you know that statistic ma'am?

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:16

That's the average core temperature for humans.

StopDropNRoll 11

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:11

Well he is 10! ^^ And I'm pretty sure that ovens get way hotter ~350-450 so I mean if you think it about he didn't do so bad. And maybe he just really had to take a piss and used the hot oven as an excuse :D

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 3:59

61- who uses a hot oven as an excuse? I would much rather walk a few feet to the bathroom. Or if all else fails, use the sink or something.. But seriously..

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 3

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 705

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 641

You deserved it 814