Miscellaneous and School: Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out...

By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - 05/01/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 641

You deserved it 442

Miscellaneous School

Vulture

Family goals

Seize the means

By Samantha - 15/06/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I'm three months pregnant. Hours after the father of my baby bought me a wedding ring, he decided to get drunk and tell me that he doesn't see himself with me for the rest of his life, and doesn't really want to get married. Oh and he hates my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 291

You deserved it 7 611

Not invited, I guess

By Marion - 14/10/2020 20:01 - United States - Portland

Today, I was talking to a coworker about gender reveal parties, and how dumb and dangerous they're becoming. A nearby coworker then burst into tears and ran out. It appears that she's having one this weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 473

Just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 21:02 - United States - Kirkland

Today my brother disconnected my internet and made my task bar disappear. I spent 2 hours trying to fix it, when I figured out I just had to restart the computer. Now I'm a little behind on assignments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 275

By waiterrrrrrrrr - 02/08/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 764

You deserved it 6 961

Where is my mind?

By Anonymous - 24/07/2021 00:01

Today, after 10 beers and a 1/3 of a bottle of Jack, I felt an undeniable urge to go rabbit hunting with lawn darts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 197

You deserved it 1 054

By :( - 14/06/2013 04:06 - United States - Parker

Today, I was at a swim meet, swimming as hard as I'd ever swum before. During the last lap I saw no one in the lanes next to me. Thinking I was first, I became extremely excited. When I came to the wall, I realized the reason no one else was around: They already finished the race. I was last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 251

You deserved it 7 687

By Username - 15/07/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 129

You deserved it 7 924

By hearingthings - 26/06/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 161

You deserved it 6 494

By Cùchulainn - 10/01/2009 03:23 - France

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 991

You deserved it 9 479

This Is Us

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 16:59

Today, I located my birth dad and asked him why I was put into care. Turns out my mom died, and since he hadn’t wanted me in the first place, he just gave me away and hoped to never see me again. He didn’t even invite me in, he threw a beer at me and threatened to call the cops unless I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 179

Thin walls

By xtilltheendx - 05/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 1 268

Most good songs are

By Cicie - 27/01/2017 03:06 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 598

You deserved it 1 887

By Danny - 28/05/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 185

You deserved it 5 721

By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 01:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 776

You deserved it 4 370

By Oops - 27/08/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I realized that it wasn't my science partner that smelled bad, it was me. How? The guy I have a crush on handed me a stick of deodorant and said, "Please use it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 831

You deserved it 36 952

Mind your own business

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 12:00

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 2 979

By EB - 06/11/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 064

You deserved it 2 400

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 16:09 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 602

You deserved it 3 670

By Tom Ali - 10/01/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 195

You deserved it 65 015

By susiedoggles - 05/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 945

You deserved it 292

By why?? - 24/05/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 515

You deserved it 1 346

By DFR - 09/06/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 562

You deserved it 23 653

By mc_dreamy - 21/08/2010 16:49 - United States

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 523

You deserved it 15 988

By Lexi801 - 19/09/2014 01:56 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 816

You deserved it 2 876

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 05:07 - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 732

You deserved it 12 082

By Anonymous - 25/05/2017 20:00

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 940

You deserved it 480

Haunted house

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 147

Make it yourself, champ

By Cookyourowndamnfoodasshole! - 27/01/2021 18:30 - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend complaining that I’m lazy since I never cook for him. I stopped cooking for him because he constantly complained that the food was never as good as what his ex-wife made, or like his mom made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 233

You deserved it 108

By kenabrookee - 03/04/2013 05:48 - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 911

You deserved it 14 708

By nerd_man01 - 10/07/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 347

You deserved it 13 747

By melissa - 10/02/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 442

You deserved it 3 761

Landlords are scum

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 425

You deserved it 138

By dudeyouarefired - 20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 648

You deserved it 4 748

By iusedprotectionanyway - 21/03/2014 21:44 - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 043

You deserved it 3 488

Customers from Hell

By fmcsl - 08/09/2019 00:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 659

You deserved it 119

By Anonymous - 01/10/2015 12:16 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I saw my ex boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 330

You deserved it 6 665

By :/ - 05/04/2015 00:44 - United States - Groton

Today, I had a date over for the first time since I moved out. I made a beautiful dinner… for one of us. I'm so used to cooking for just myself that I only made one serving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 392

You deserved it 11 091

By hornyloser - 02/05/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 855

You deserved it 70 134

By CamoElla - 19/02/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while babysitting, one of the boys fell on an exposed pipe and broke it. It spewed water five feet into the air, spread water across four rooms, and completely soaked another of the boys. Their parents had only left fifteen minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 589

You deserved it 3 202

Social distancing gone wrong

By bananapie69 - 10/04/2020 20:00

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 685

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Top comments

sharond23 10

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:56

So would it be ok if she wasn't obese? and is this something she just started?

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:22

That’s one hell of a name dude.

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:22

That’s one hell of a name dude.

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:23

But seriously, you should just close it for her. If she complains, oh well.

interesting33 36

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Monday 8 January 2018 0:10

it says 'flat out refusal' which suggests to me that she won't stand for it being closed by someone else.

gobiteme2 34

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Friday 5 January 2018 20:33

Should have called himself "Open door"

sweetbliss3 37

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:24

you just discovered this? can she get the door closed? maybe she smells funny and needs some ventilation. you could close the door for her.

mike3775 34

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:50

Sorry OP but if you don’t like it, move out. Even if you are a teenager, you grew up with it so it should not be a surprise now.

sharond23 10

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:56

So would it be ok if she wasn't obese? and is this something she just started?

kingodsucksville 18

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Saturday 6 January 2018 5:29

Obesity just makes it worse

Emma Marshall 19

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Saturday 9 June 2018 23:25

It'd be less disgusting yes

Dave_Davington 33

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Friday 5 January 2018 15:59

I suppose she takes pride in her creations.

esra99 12

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Friday 5 January 2018 16:40

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

lexos 16

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Friday 5 January 2018 19:03

Cause everyone likes to watch while his mother takes a dump.

Ashley Shaniece Holt 13

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Friday 5 January 2018 17:13

She’s probably doing it on purpose to encourage you to move out

saberjpg 6

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Friday 5 January 2018 17:39

If she's 57, you are probably at least 22 years old. Time to grow up, get a real job, and move into a place where your mom won't be using the bathroom except for when she visits. Problem solved, and you're welcome.

Cali 54

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Friday 5 January 2018 19:24

When my parents were 57, my sibling was just a 16-year-old high school student! Some people have kids late!

lexos 16

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Saturday 6 January 2018 10:30

In the Netherlands it's pretty common that kids live with their parents until they graduate. It saves you a lot of money and you have more time to focus on your study since you don't have to run a household. So if op is in a similar situation I can understand why he doesn't move out.

Suaria 37

Wednesday 10 January 2018 0:25

My mom had my sister when she was 40. So when my mom is 57, my sister will be 17. I knew a guy who's mom had him at 50. So some people do have kids late. Not everyone has kids between 18-39.

manb91uk 22

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Friday 5 January 2018 17:44

Maybe she was hoping to be a MILF instead of a MIRWLF

DingusGinger 19

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Friday 5 January 2018 20:08

I feel you, whole family does it, my mother's 38, my dad's 39, and my sister is 17. the only one who shuts the door when people are over is my sister, but I wish you best of luck.