Love: Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives... - FML

By Creep - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Bitch ass move

Shark-infested offices

By callmeclarence - United States - Valencia

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

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By Random - United States - Tuskegee

Today, my dad walked into my school and joked around saying that he's going to shoot my boyfriend. We all laughed. Except my boyfriend. He was sobbing in a corner. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tripped over a kid at work. She was sitting on the floor with her legs sticking out into the walkway. Her mom caused a scene, accusing me of doing it on purpose. FML

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By Jen - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

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By hlewrn - United States - Centreville

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

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By seriously_CAT

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ellensburg

Today, I flew back home from out of state. When I got back to my house, my bed, furniture, and TV were gone. My girlfriend changed her number and I have no idea where she lives now. FML

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By Joplin - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

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By lily - 12/4/2021 23:00

Young body, old soul

Today, I was diagnosed with gout. I’m 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By sophistication - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

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By Sarcasmo - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

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By aprouddaddy - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

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By tiffylueg

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

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By holladaddy - United States

Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

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By sn-511 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

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By dannij08 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

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By great 1st impression - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

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By failedfather - Australia - Ferntree Gully

Today, I had to tell McDonald's that my 11-year-old son thought it would be funny to take a dump in the urinal. I then had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 17:02

Mind your own beeswax

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

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By Toodamnold - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I was once again escorted out of a supermarket by a police officer. I must be the only 83-year-old who still has his marbles, but people always assume I am senile and wandering from a care center. FML

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By Christen - United States

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

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By Boyufd

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

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By camerashyguy - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

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By middleagednurse

Stay Safe!

Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

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By dadadoo - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By Drunk - United States

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

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By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodside

Dazed and Confused

Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

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By Krit - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By hopeless romantic - United States - Dayton

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

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Top comments

By J0HNYR0773N | 0

#64331 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:07

ew u fuckin creeper

By Inspired22 | 11

#64326 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

That's awkward. It sucks that you got caught. Remember his privacy, though! You wouldn't want someone watching you when you're alone!

COMMENTS

By llSgtScopell | 0

#64321 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:04

Hahaha, I'm a cunt.

Reply

surescope | 0

#1100657 - Saturday 17 July 2010 7:23

stalker much

Reply

Miss_Represented | 0

#1127091 - Friday 23 July 2010 7:14

Creeper!!

Reply

ilpissoffahappym | 0

#2341663 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 4:23

someone just got owned

Reply

kuizinaz | 0

#2674293 - Monday 13 June 2011 23:28

omg! hahahahaha!!!!! usi-ysi

By ecilart | 0

#64322 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:04

haha that IS creepy o_o

Reply

pudkiller | 0

#951694 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 1:29

I agree

stalkers

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#3326461 - Thursday 22 September 2011 4:18

Just offer a threeway, he will forgive you

Reply

torch433 | 1

#4320198 - Wednesday 18 April 2012 4:41

yup ó_ò

By Inspired22 | 11

#64326 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

That's awkward. It sucks that you got caught. Remember his privacy, though! You wouldn't want someone watching you when you're alone!

Reply

hotscar | 3

#948426 - Monday 15 March 2010 4:18

if the girl's hot, then I wouldn't mind.

Reply

gars56 | 5

#4823933 - Friday 17 August 2012 1:08

At least he wasn't doing something a bit more personnel if you know what I mean ;)

By J0HNYR0773N | 0

#64331 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:07

ew u fuckin creeper

Reply

ginglederf | 6

#4535813 - Thursday 7 June 2012 12:12

Sssssssssssssss

Reply

Star928 | 7

#4738646 - Friday 27 July 2012 7:47

BOOM

Reply

year2015 | 11

#6184687 - Tuesday 27 January 2015 5:50

GOD DAMN IT CREEPER YOU NEVER SHOW UP UNTIL I FUCKING FIND DIAMONDS!!!!!!

By NoThankYouu | 0

#64337 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

nightELFassasin6 | 0

#896361 - Saturday 27 February 2010 5:47

then it's ok for him to watch her

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5550946 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 3:23

Umm no, still wouldn't be okay. I have a feeling you are single.

Reply

flossingpancake | 18

#6574538 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 7:18

Your use of emoticons gave me cancer

By iLIAMMM | 0

#64339 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:10

you and your friend are weird, lmao. im glad he told you to go away, creeeperrr. YDI.

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6374496 - Friday 7 August 2015 21:50

now all they need is a van that says "free candy" lol

By 5ive | 0

#64341 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:12

you didnt have to be so obvious.
i mean really, the roof?! he'll see you there!

By interventions | 1

#64342 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:14

that's so fucking creepy but im drunk as fuck right now so im laughin hahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhaha @ you.

Reply

Peachy2392 | 26

#5806340 - Friday 27 December 2013 7:33

How did this get so many thumbs ups?

By bco12 | 0

#64349 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:17

can we say... stalker?

By aeooaiu | 0

#64350 - Saturday 28 March 2009 9:18

oh my, so stalker hahaha

Reply

johobus28 | 26

#6120948 - Monday 17 November 2014 17:37

Yet if he was looking at her, he'd be arrested and given a restraining order