Intimacy: Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

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Intimacy

Age difference

Dementia or hate? You decide

Close Zoom, quick sharp

By Anonymous - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

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By yupthissucks - United States - Newnan

Today, I ran into the woman who hit my car and drove off three days ago. She was my bank teller. I called 911; she pressed the silent alarm. Guess whose story the cops believed. FML

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By jack

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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By flustered - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

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By msamberjade - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By DatAss

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

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By Nirah - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By ThanksMa - Canada

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML

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By Illinoisgirl - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

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By Deadpool - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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By Anonymous

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

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By krisest1988 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home from a two week vacation and told me I need to move. FML

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By SenescentSouthernBoy - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I come home to find that my dog has taken a dump on my bed. I quickly put on my house shoes to avoid possibly stepping on any other of his turds. I felt something squish all over my right foot. He also took a dump in my house shoe. FML

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By nearsighted-ut

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By Coffee Boy - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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By louise - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML

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By liz1234 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

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By shite - United Kingdom

Please love me

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

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By meh beard - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

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By vcarder - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML

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By romea244 - United States

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

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By Anonymous

Good enough reason

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

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By shifala - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By Rachel - United States

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

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By MCMB33 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

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By el_Jeffe_D - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

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By himtopia19 - United States

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By skinny & doomed - 6/6/2021 20:01

No pain, no gain

Today, after two full months of trying to gain weight, I haven’t gained a single pound. Instead, I now have severe and irreversible digestive problems from overeating. FML

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By "Kilamo" - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By really

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

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By meee - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By Uniforms

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

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By LittleGina - United States - Benson

Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML

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Top comments

By hi_from_HI | 0

#540779 - Saturday 5 September 2009 13:18

Yeah it's called living in a dorm!!! You have to share your living space and she is not required to avoid going to her home all because of some sign. Guess it's time for you to grow up or find some other place if you can't control your urges.

By captainmaharet | 1

#541640 - Saturday 5 September 2009 21:06

Today, I went into my room to find my roommate and her boyfriend fucking. They told me to get out of my room. FML.

COMMENTS

By sux2beU | 0

#540462 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:12

Oh really

Alhan_fml | 0

#975494 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 5:20

Well 1, that's probably just how boring OP's sex is. I bet the boyfriend was playing solitaire too.

jenniferxxlou | 0

#982973 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 7:39

feel free to troll me about this but what is an OP

happyhak | 5

#989713 - Sunday 9 May 2010 11:22

#43, OP=Original Poster

luvdatglitter | 0

#1012120 - Sunday 30 May 2010 2:29

good for her lol

CherryBombb | 0

#2598092 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 5:32

yes, really. o.o

By SomeRandomGuy18 | 0

#540483 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:18

lol

By babyjay424 | 0

#540496 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:22

i would of asked her to join! haha she didnt care she prob thought to herself "eehh i seen better"

Edruggireo | 3

#3801162 - Thursday 29 December 2011 3:35

Hell yea i agree with u if she looks good

By Chr0nicdreamz | 0

#540511 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:25

now that's funny. I agree FYL. I woulda tol her to get the fuck out. Ppl obviously don't have common sense. you know the saying "Common sense is not so common"

By Bloodknight | 22

#540523 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:28

Wow, haha, well maybe you should have taken the hint and just invited her to join in. Or was it that you just liked being watched. Either way, there were multiple solutions to this, none of them ending bad for anyone, bwahahaha!

By a_lazy_day_88 | 0

#540542 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:35

hahaha I'm sorry.
I've done that before to my roommate after she pissed me off.

By shadowryder | 0

#540556 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:40

Maybe it's a good idea to go to his place? Or ask her to join? Lots and lots of solutions =|

By Fenix0147 | 0

#540591 - Saturday 5 September 2009 9:56

Hawt.

By Wankster | 0

#540597 - Saturday 5 September 2009 10:00

Mhm sure

By Glam_fml | 0

#540693 - Saturday 5 September 2009 11:43

So? She obviously didn't care, so why should you?

Atleast she got on the computer and played a game. She could have just stared at you or videotaped you. Now that would be much worse.

CherryBombb | 0

#2598104 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 5:33

exactly. (: