Intimacy: Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex,...

By Anon. - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15588

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2335

Favorite

Intimacy

Understandable

Vulture

Messed up

By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1577

You deserved it

227

Favorite

By wow, thanks - United States - Seattle

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29831

You deserved it

2348

Favorite

By Fat man pube - 29/3/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Letting yourself go

Today, after months of isolating and shielding, suffering through the isolation of having caught COVID and letting my hygiene, diet and exercise programme go to shit, I can officially say my pubes are now longer than my penis, but it’s ok because my belly now hangs over my belt so I can’t even see it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

663

You deserved it

568

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - Australia

Livin' the dream

Today, and for the last few days, I’ve been playing farming life simulator games. It dawned on me that my fictional farmers will probably be more successful and social and rich and energetic than I ever will be in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

603

You deserved it

197

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68543

You deserved it

6215

Favorite

By yosenfal - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51228

You deserved it

4028

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32663

You deserved it

2996

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70747

You deserved it

7340

Favorite

By Sleeper_C3ll - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53920

You deserved it

2853

Favorite

By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7993

You deserved it

839

Favorite

By toolegittoquit - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34308

You deserved it

6735

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face than tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36778

You deserved it

7650

Favorite

By Idiot on the bus

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4089

You deserved it

1536

Favorite

By ladyhavery - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23593

You deserved it

49280

Favorite

By Chatons - Switzerland

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49166

You deserved it

7887

Favorite

By spiteful bitch - 25/7/2020 23:00

Surprise!

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1495

You deserved it

113

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38505

You deserved it

3849

Favorite

By TJ - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26124

You deserved it

10350

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36231

You deserved it

4462

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23547

You deserved it

5279

Favorite

By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26215

You deserved it

4181

Favorite

By Confused - 23/9/2020 17:01 - Australia - Perth

Suspicious

Today, I texted my boyfriend, asking him to meet me when he finished work. Paranoid as he is, he took this to mean that I wanted to break up with him, and is ghosting me into oblivion. All I wanted was to see him on our 4-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1119

You deserved it

136

Favorite

By icanunderstand - Russian Federation

Today, I'm studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn't hear her. Assuming I don't speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry... come fix it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54103

You deserved it

3658

Favorite

By Avdhut Joshi - India - Thane

Today, I set an alarm to wake up for a football match. I woke up after it finished. Turns out, I set my alarm to 12:15 p.m. instead of a.m. I ended up missing one of my team's best performances. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1056

You deserved it

1439

Favorite

By Kira - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24856

You deserved it

13495

Favorite

By Broken - United Arab Emirates

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80999

You deserved it

4705

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46849

You deserved it

3919

Favorite

By firebombtimEFUCKERS - United States

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23367

You deserved it

1702

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39040

You deserved it

3298

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

I agree, your life sucks

800

You deserved it

106

Favorite

By talkingtoaretard - United States

Mood: broken

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13946

You deserved it

35846

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally bumped into the fire alarm which set off a high pitch buzzing noise that could be heard throughout the entire dorm. It went on for at least two hours and none of the technicians could figure out how to turn it off. All the girls on my floor want to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24936

You deserved it

7024

Favorite

By notsoskinny - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I gained a few pounds and thought I looked fat. He replied that I looked the same and that I shouldn't worry because he likes fat girls. I never thought I was fat before this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48855

You deserved it

18577

Favorite

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

529

You deserved it

1837

Favorite

By artclasstrauma - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44099

You deserved it

7756

Favorite

By Alpheas - United States

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33538

You deserved it

4418

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 17:03

This charming man

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1487

You deserved it

Favorite

By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7093

You deserved it

814

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

I agree, your life sucks

63257

You deserved it

21949

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36796

You deserved it

2693

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By 19jburner | 15

#6598395 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:43

Boop the snoot.

By BloodyBrilliant | 15

#6598458 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:52

Buy a male dog. She needs her dude too.

COMMENTS

By 19jburner | 15

#6598395 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:43

Boop the snoot.

Wizardo | 33

#6598492 - Friday 6 May 2016 16:46

Solid 5/7 comment.

ParadoxOfNames | 15

#6599813 - Sunday 8 May 2016 2:14

9gag

By AShrikeStrikes | 11

#6598400 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:46

Try going elsewhere, if you know it's going to happen find somewhere with no interruptions.

By Shalnar | 6

#6598409 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:55

earplugs

misspanda_fml | 7

#6600100 - Sunday 8 May 2016 11:42

How romantic.

GAJones4221 | 10

#6600167 - Sunday 8 May 2016 14:07

lol

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6598411 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:56

Maybe that poodle just wants to get in on the action.

pantsmaster | 6

#6598440 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:30

That will be quite the threesome. Trisexual?

emogirlzrcool | 10

#6598854 - Friday 6 May 2016 23:47

This whole thread is a mess.

By arisanator9900 | 20

#6598418 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:02

Put the dog in another room. Not the first time someone on fml has been cockblocked by an animal

Mortoli | 30

#6600782 - Monday 9 May 2016 5:02

lol true she would be outside though.

By Wheelman2178 | 18

#6598423 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:12

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend.

XPhoenixFire | 17

#6598765 - Friday 6 May 2016 21:23

Do people just post this on fmls where a girlfriend has boyfriend troubles thinking it makes them manly or something? Because there was nothing in this fml that made the boyfriend feminine

Wheelman2178 | 18

#6598928 - Saturday 7 May 2016 2:05

"Toy poodle". What kind of man has dog that is toy poodle?

DoomedGemini | 37

#6599055 - Saturday 7 May 2016 4:30

A man who is comfortable enough to not care about assholes like you. Seems more masculine than trying to insult someone over their companion choose to me.

By Stuffaluffagus | 25

#6598426 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:14

Your boyfriend has a toy poodle? And it keeps him from having sex? You sure he isn't secretly gay?

By zebra3_fml | 7

#6598431 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Sanguinairius | 33

#6598785 - Friday 6 May 2016 22:07

No actually it doesn't. We live in a society where people are free to own whatever pet they like regardless of society's perception of masculinity or femininity.