Intimacy: Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex,...

By Anon. - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15578

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2335

Favorite

Intimacy

BO Central

"Based on your purchase history…"

Dad of the year

By uh-oh - Australia - Sydney

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34478

You deserved it

3706

Favorite

By Maddy - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34017

You deserved it

4972

Favorite

By bloodshedblack - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26378

You deserved it

4361

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I missed my dentist appointment. I couldn't attend, because I was too busy puking my guts up due to a bad reaction to the pain medication I'm taking for my toothache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25374

You deserved it

2303

Favorite

By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38332

You deserved it

4422

Favorite

By f*ck - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

8274

You deserved it

97769

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4578

You deserved it

517

Favorite

By Kylee Day

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1389

You deserved it

360

Favorite

By Matt - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32650

You deserved it

5013

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I went into my office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting on the spot. I tried to leave quickly but I slipped and fell on the marble floor right in front of everybody during my exit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23069

You deserved it

6292

Favorite

By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65463

You deserved it

8189

Favorite

By smurfpoo - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45133

You deserved it

4178

Favorite

By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60579

You deserved it

4248

Favorite

By TecheyTim - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27190

You deserved it

11476

Favorite

By NoDocVisit - United States - Parrish

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20938

You deserved it

1106

Favorite

By meow - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26689

You deserved it

4479

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2100

You deserved it

125

Favorite

By meeeoow - Australia

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30573

You deserved it

2762

Favorite

By screwyoucompany

Today, I had a job interview. I was almost late due to road closure and being blocked in my street by the trash truck. The "interview" turned out to be a hiring fair, with lots of other people. I had to wait outside for 3 hours in the sun with no shade, water or food. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4345

You deserved it

337

Favorite

By girly - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22494

You deserved it

52464

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Moving on

Today, I saw yet another dear friend from uni get married, living the good life in their new home. Here am I in my 30s, with no love life, and feeling like that's never going to be for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

929

You deserved it

218

Favorite

By xoccerplaya - United States

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24446

You deserved it

11276

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47891

You deserved it

8635

Favorite

By yerface - United States

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40642

You deserved it

8685

Favorite

By Cammy - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19300

You deserved it

63189

Favorite

By lauziej93 - Spain - Logro?o

Today, my mother-in-law became my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25675

You deserved it

1967

Favorite

By bjevilcat2 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28163

You deserved it

4522

Favorite

By dmanrique - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30357

You deserved it

3192

Favorite

By CutieBooty - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24270

You deserved it

35619

Favorite

By Person15 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35295

You deserved it

10432

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43558

You deserved it

2812

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. The only person who remembered was the creepy guy in my English class who keeps trying to smell my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55275

You deserved it

4262

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Middleton

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39789

You deserved it

3347

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37839

You deserved it

2591

Favorite

By Her - Canada - Montr?al

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12857

You deserved it

1170

Favorite

By wildthing - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75356

You deserved it

7187

Favorite

By catwoman - Australia

Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28066

You deserved it

5437

Favorite

By shifala - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35936

You deserved it

3175

Favorite

By baconlady - United States

Today, I bought some perfume that I thought smelled absolutely amazing. Later, my boyfriend walked in, sniffed, and said, "What smells like bacon?" The bottle cost $83. They won't take a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20660

You deserved it

9186

Favorite

By stink - Australia - Sydney

Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28341

You deserved it

4947

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By 19jburner | 15

#6598395 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:43

Boop the snoot.

By BloodyBrilliant | 15

#6598458 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:52

Buy a male dog. She needs her dude too.

COMMENTS

By 19jburner | 15

#6598395 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:43

Boop the snoot.

Wizardo | 33

#6598492 - Friday 6 May 2016 16:46

Solid 5/7 comment.

ParadoxOfNames | 15

#6599813 - Sunday 8 May 2016 2:14

9gag

By AShrikeStrikes | 11

#6598400 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:46

Try going elsewhere, if you know it's going to happen find somewhere with no interruptions.

By Shalnar | 6

#6598409 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:55

earplugs

misspanda_fml | 7

#6600100 - Sunday 8 May 2016 11:42

How romantic.

GAJones4221 | 10

#6600167 - Sunday 8 May 2016 14:07

lol

By saifnaqvi11 | 21

#6598411 - Friday 6 May 2016 14:56

Maybe that poodle just wants to get in on the action.

pantsmaster | 6

#6598440 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:30

That will be quite the threesome. Trisexual?

emogirlzrcool | 10

#6598854 - Friday 6 May 2016 23:47

This whole thread is a mess.

By arisanator9900 | 20

#6598418 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:02

Put the dog in another room. Not the first time someone on fml has been cockblocked by an animal

Mortoli | 30

#6600782 - Monday 9 May 2016 5:02

lol true she would be outside though.

By Wheelman2178 | 18

#6598423 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:12

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend.

XPhoenixFire | 17

#6598765 - Friday 6 May 2016 21:23

Do people just post this on fmls where a girlfriend has boyfriend troubles thinking it makes them manly or something? Because there was nothing in this fml that made the boyfriend feminine

Wheelman2178 | 18

#6598928 - Saturday 7 May 2016 2:05

"Toy poodle". What kind of man has dog that is toy poodle?

DoomedGemini | 37

#6599055 - Saturday 7 May 2016 4:30

A man who is comfortable enough to not care about assholes like you. Seems more masculine than trying to insult someone over their companion choose to me.

By Stuffaluffagus | 25

#6598426 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:14

Your boyfriend has a toy poodle? And it keeps him from having sex? You sure he isn't secretly gay?

By zebra3_fml | 7

#6598431 - Friday 6 May 2016 15:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sanguinairius | 33

#6598785 - Friday 6 May 2016 22:07

No actually it doesn't. We live in a society where people are free to own whatever pet they like regardless of society's perception of masculinity or femininity.