Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
derriduh 0
Maybe it's her way of trying to "spice things up"? She might have thought it was hot, it depends on what kind of relationship you two have. But it isn't necessarily a bad thing.
ErikaBaby 0
now you can literally F your life
alex_vik 1
So she got you a fleshlight I'm assuming?
Fragnox 3
Wow, guys, there is nothing redundant about "self-masturbation". Have half of you never heard of mutual masturbation?
dmjones93 0
Well said #31, beat me to it. Fools.
SumGayGai 0
I don't see the issue with this gift... You are clearly taking it the wrong way.
lilymaiden_fml 0
Either your wife is saying she doesn't want to have sex with you, or your wife isn't very good at thinking things through. Either way, fyl.
DeathByIrony90 0
I think #111 hit the nail on the head. You all could be taking it the wrong way. Stop what you're typing right now and start using your brain. He put this on FML. Why would it be an FML if, like #111 said, she's just getting him the toy because she acknowledges that she can't always be there for him sexually? Therefore, it's most likely for the other reason-the "you're terrible at sex!" one, otherwise this wouldn't be on FML. Either that, or the OP probably took it the wrong, wrong, wrong way. In that case, all I can say is communication is the #1 priority in any relationship.
rutherferd 0
this kid that goes to my school named cameron is and expert at masturbating
MissBunnyfufu 0
safety first! how considerate of your wife....