Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML
Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML
Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML
Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML
Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML
Today, it's Halloween. I get bullied every day and this was no exception, but this time I got beat up so hard I bled. Everyone thought it was part of my costume. FML
Today, I'm at odds with my fiancée because a drunk girl approached me at a Halloween party and complimented my costume. I barely acknowledged the woman and made polite small talk until she walked away. Apparently, I was too friendly and should have shooed the woman away rudely and immediately. FML
Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
alpaquette91 9
Punch your roommate! Make him/her suffer too!
Mass89 0
who else read this FML while doing a russian accent? :D
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (172)
mrahhhhh 21
You should be "Russian" to beat the crap out of your roommate.
Ray_of_midnight 23
Welcome to America! Wow, that was pretty mean, to set you up like that.
omg_itssally 0
Your roommate's a douche.. that was mean to both you and the little girl.
RandomB 0
Ur roommate is a douche
Isoldael 27
If only she'd been wearing a full mask. Then it really could have been a compliment :p
Kiki242 19
Welcome to the USA. Your roomie needs a beat down.
robincakes94 8
You must be really bad at English then, because everything you were told to say was simple English.
silverhelms 5
In soviet Russia
jonn090 13
Smoking weed solves everything ;)
Funny14u 0
I Agree
Okayitwasme 0
It's an Evil plan. Conspiracy to have all Americans on weed, then BAM! Your taken over and all your freedom is revoked! Haven't you been watching the X-Files??
missalkali 8
my friend's cousin was told that by her teacher! you don't deserve it, but your roomate deserves a "friendly tap" or two where it counts
FarSide 23
So go tap that thing once or twice.