Kids: Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately,...

By nicchick411 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately, my kids used the wall for paper. Now I have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall. FML

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Kids

Serious times

A saint

Still pining

By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By mk - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

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By hamburglar - United States - Irving

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

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By myles bevan - United Kingdom

Today, whilst sat next to a old lady on a flight back to the UK, I exclaimed how I wished somebody would gag the crying baby a few rows behind us. Her reply was, "That's my grandson." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By antiqued - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML

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By Username

Today, a customer at the store I work at asked me what kind of cake I would suggest for her husband's 50th birthday. I laughed and showed her the Grim Reaper cake. She burst into tears and explained that he has cancer. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

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By scared to leave the house - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By "ravensarepurple"

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

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By Foster_Em - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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By evilparents - United States

Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 17:00

Money hole

Today, my uncle kept his promise and left me his holiday house in his will. What he didn’t tell me was it’s been unmaintained for 14 years and is unfit for human habitation, has 2 mortgages, and now it and all its issues are now mine. Old, dead bastard. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

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By PoopyNuts - 18/9/2020 23:01

In for the long haul

Today, my very financially stable grandparents bought my girlfriend and I two first class tickets on Air Emirates, which to me is a once in a lifetime opportunity. To my dismay, my colon did not approve of the peanuts and I spent the whole flight shitting out what seemed to be molten rocks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

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By itsplashedeverywhere - United States - Boulder

Today, I was unfortunate enough to discover what happens when you vomit mid-drink at a water fountain. FML

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By unknown - Philippines

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

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By Nox - United States

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

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By Levi2411 - 6/1/2021 11:01

Work is hell

Today, I had to do the job of 3 to 4 people. Spending the first half in the bakery by myself, I then had to run over to the deli and cook everything for the day while helping lines of customers. Why? Because 8 people are on Covid leave. Instead of shutting down the department, welcome to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a mass text message from a friend saying she's sorry she can't meet up with our group of friends for drinks because she's busy tonight. This is the first I've heard of any bar-crawling. FML

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Top comments

By delaneybabyy | 0

#2250200 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:38

I guess it's the thought that counts?

By ImaginaryFoe | 0

#2250261 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:44

Take a picture, say thank you, and repaint the wall in a while. One day you'll look miss having them around showing you love in their crappy, misguided way.

COMMENTS

By mylifemyrules | 0

#2250197 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:38

sucks

ryry98 | 7

#2250274 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:46

kids theses days what's happened to them lol but there thoughtful!

jmac317 | 0

#2250383 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:58

haha this should not be an fml

chell1894 | 13

#2250498 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:15

Aw they were just trying to do something nice. Act a little appreciative.

max_wilder | 9

#2250600 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:27

^true^

hobozrule | 4

#2250604 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:27

it the thought that counts :D

valri3 | 0

#2250645 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:35

I remember when I used to do that as a child; unfortunately I also remember my parents having a breakdown about it.

borkchop1992 | 15

#2250667 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:37

ya but now she has an excuse to beat her kids

YouCanHaveACoke | 0

#2250809 - Sunday 27 March 2011 21:10

Don't stress, OP. Use toothpaste (not gel) to remove marks. Scrub the toothpaste on with a dry sponge and let it sit for a few minutes. Then, rub it off with a damp wash cloth!

TheJester12 | 15

#2250946 - Sunday 27 March 2011 21:36

be grateful, it could have been a penis drawn on instead, with permanent marker. chances are your teenager will hate you , so enjoy your kids while they last :)

RODEOqueen | 0

#2251053 - Sunday 27 March 2011 22:00

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser should take it off.

valri3 | 0

#2251282 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:42

What happened to my comment?

kennababy | 0

#2251414 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:57

aww I think it's so cute!

nickiforever21 | 0

#2252756 - Monday 28 March 2011 3:59

Can't she just repaint the wall?

JCHammer | 5

#2253151 - Monday 28 March 2011 5:20

I thought that's why they called it "wall paper"

xovollyball11 | 3

#2253180 - Monday 28 March 2011 5:25

#119 I think it's sooo cute too

iluvmemicookies | 0

#2256791 - Monday 28 March 2011 22:01

She can just repain the wall but it takes money, time, and a lot of work.

ajones413 | 0

#2261391 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 15:40

I agree with you

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#2949090 - Friday 22 July 2011 6:29

that's not too terrible! i think it's sweet!

By delaneybabyy | 0

#2250200 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:38

I guess it's the thought that counts?

AppleCurry | 0

#2250453 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:06

Haha. I read this comment and then accidentally clicked on 5's picture.

goodfella925 | 0

#2250872 - Sunday 27 March 2011 21:22

I was gunna say the same thing lol, there only kids anyway. just paint over it OP:P

SassiestLemon | 2

#2255832 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:01

I will wait for the Grammar Nazi who shall consume 73.

death943 | 10

#5424930 - Thursday 28 March 2013 18:38

gonna* they're* Hail Grammer

By iR0ckSkinnys | 3

#2250202 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:38

kids:D they"ll never learn.

By tktom7 | 6

#2250206 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:39

at least they tried...

klonopin_ftw | 0

#2250393 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:00

at least it wasn't sharpie.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2250421 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:03

tktom7's photo made me giggle and also made me think of Harry potter :-P

sarapsosis | 1

#2250986 - Sunday 27 March 2011 21:43

O RLY 39?

GrubbsGrady | 0

#2251167 - Sunday 27 March 2011 22:29

I think that's cute. op should keep that on her wall!

SassiestLemon | 2

#2255847 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:03

Can't you use dry erase marker to remove sharpie? Or nail polish remover?

By jerseyboy732 | 16

#2250213 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:39

thats what you get for telling them to be creative

iluvmemicookies | 0

#2256783 - Monday 28 March 2011 21:59

What?!? When did OP, nevermind.

By alex1432 | 9

#2250217 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:39

Well depending on how old they are, this may be kinda cute.

chickunkey | 0

#2251326 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:49

Depending on their ages, this can also be mildly disturbing.

By StupidBunnySuit | 0

#2250220 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:39

At least they got something for you and it's only crayons... happy birthday.

By Cressalys | 0

#2250230 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:40

That's why we don't need any more people popping out babies. There's more then enough right now.

By WiiMessi10 | 0

#2250232 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:40

happy birthday!

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#2250234 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:42

Well they had the right idea!

wisericky | 12

#2250374 - Sunday 27 March 2011 19:58

I like potatoes!

wisericky | 12

#2250480 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:11

wrong spot :P
silly fml site or maybe it was these huge fingers i have.

chester75 | 5

#2250658 - Sunday 27 March 2011 20:36

it's the fingers

sarapsosis | 1

#2250827 - Sunday 27 March 2011 21:13

damn those round butt cheeks, frickin hilarious (I'm talking about Patrick's) they're so distracting

SassiestLemon | 2

#2255860 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:05

70- Staring is rude, Mr. Dexter.