Kids: Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast... - FML

By nickorion12 - United States - Shawnee

Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up catching the kitchen on fire. FML

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There's no helping some people

True hero

Kids

By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By djfail - United States

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

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By disgusting - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

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By Cow lover - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By isystuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

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By stutterboy - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I was giving a presentation to my college class. I've had a natural stutter my whole life, so I stuttered through the whole thing. My professor tried to hold in her laughter for 15 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harker Heights

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

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By shanson - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

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By youaresodumb - United States

Routine

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML

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By sadtimes - Canada

Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

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By tattooed - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

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By weeble_wobbles09 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

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By Anonymous

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

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By ChubbyTubby - United States

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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By bornfromhillbillies - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML

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By Nemesis2747 - United States

Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML

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By jackgrant - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By Petitprof - France

Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

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By ChaosFerret - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By couturier - France

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

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By KittenTime - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

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By awesome - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By still sore

Relax!

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

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By damncat - United States

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, frantically chasing around the huge dog screaming "Help, someone please help!" I finally managed to tackle him and release the cat. It was a stuffed animal. FML

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By frmitalywithlove - United States

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

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By duncanisgey - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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By SDCore - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

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By clapping_for_you

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

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By ohtheirony

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By I shaved my legs for this

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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Top comments

By Nathan_Henry | 15

#6638816 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:16

It's the thought that counts

By Tripartita | 44

#6638834 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:37

Really, there's no better way to celebrate life than to have it jeopardized in a house fire. If this caused your life to flash before your eyes, just think of it as a commemorative slideshow on your special day!

COMMENTS

By Nathan_Henry | 15

#6638816 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:16

It's the thought that counts

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6638875 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 3:55

Who pissed in your cereal, #7?

Reply

mystam4 | 17

#6638918 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 5:22

yes, & the insurance lol

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6638822 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:21

On the bright side, they attempted to celebrate the day of your birth. In the worst case, at least you are a year closer to your death.

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#6639708 - Thursday 30 June 2016 4:29

"In the worst case, at least..." think about your choice of words there

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6638823 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:22

Wow appreciate the effort though..

By CFL13 | 12

#6638831 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:33

That sucks

By TheGamerXYZ | 19

#6638832 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:34

I guess this birthday is lit

By Tripartita | 44

#6638834 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:37

Really, there's no better way to celebrate life than to have it jeopardized in a house fire. If this caused your life to flash before your eyes, just think of it as a commemorative slideshow on your special day!

Reply

holly_fly | 34

#6638848 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 3:07

And with this comment, you are one of the greats, at least in my book. XD

Reply

anlong93 | 9

#6639025 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 9:42

#Tripartita2016

By bradleybaldwin | 9

#6638842 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 2:53

Even though it is the thought that counts, what an unfortunate Mother's Day. Fyl

Reply

CheeseClown | 1

#7381875 - Friday 30 December 2016 22:52

*birthday*

By TweetAnne | 13

#6638850 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 3:10

Happy birthday to your mom.
It's my mothers birthday today as well and I made a full dinner without burning the house down.

By may14th | 26

#6638854 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 3:17

Try blowing that out and making a wish!

By SasukeKun | 16

#6638864 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 3:36

At least they tried.