By Gabrielguitar - United States

Thanks, I guess…

Today, it was my birthday and everyone in the office chipped in to buy me a card, and nothing but a card. It had a pre-written message on it and a space to write "Love, *insert name*" where everyone signed their names. The "Love" was crossed out and replaced with "From". FML

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Commando

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Kids

By Anonymous - United States

Mom hobbies

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

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By whoops - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roxboro

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

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By mikki bee - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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By Madison Ostermeier

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

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By keelah - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By Peter Steele love - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

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By deewe - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

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By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

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By tingles - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML

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By liilii - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

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By kaybax - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

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By Arsinoe - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

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By methane overload - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

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By max - United States

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

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By shrutisoma - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plainview

Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML

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By katier8295 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

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By Liisaz34 - 18/4/2021 00:30

Sounds fishy

Today, my boyfriend is spending a lot of time hyping up his female best friend who is participating in a modeling competition, trying to get her to win. When I asked this guy to help support my small business, he said he, “didn’t have time” to. FML

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By shredded - United Kingdom

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By heartbroken - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

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By BigBangrocksthenight - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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By Mack - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

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By facepalm - United States - Gainesville

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

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By Abcporn - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

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By Maria - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Thanks Dad

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

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By NoMoreHeadphones - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Timing

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

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By *sigh* - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

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By cricketsins - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 21:30

Doggy dog world

Today, someone let my puppy escape. I didn't know, until I arrived home and hit him with my car. FML

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Top comments

By Thoams_fml | 0

#142771 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:26

they may have actually been trying to be respectful to the people who were signing it and/or complying with company policies

By 24788 | 6

#142760 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Haha some idiot went out and bought the card. Then the person who was actually behind it freaked and probably had to fix it.

COMMENTS

By mad_chiller2009 | 0

#142749 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:22

first lol
that sucks lololol

By Arian_fml | 0

#142758 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:24

Ouuuuuch. Maybe they dont know you well enough?
Second.

By 24788 | 6

#142760 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Haha some idiot went out and bought the card. Then the person who was actually behind it freaked and probably had to fix it.

By Tess_fml | 7

#142767 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:26

Ouch.

Reply

rocketpopper1030 | 11

#4878908 - Friday 31 August 2012 3:21

At least OPs birthday was even acknowledged. Beyond that, who cares if it said love or from. A card is a nice gesture anyway

By Thoams_fml | 0

#142771 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:26

they may have actually been trying to be respectful to the people who were signing it and/or complying with company policies

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#142777 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:27

Oh God, I leave the interweb for a week and when I come back I see that people have started putting "second" as well on FML. Friggin freaks.

By iamafail | 0

#142783 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

ouucchh!
but seriouslyy how much does a card cost. likee 2 dollars ?!
so i doubt they all chipped in. :(
and yeah i agrreee #2. they probably didnt waant it to be awckaward..
but happy birthday :D

By so_me_fml | 0

#142792 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:29

That's hilarious. Sounds like you're either new at the office, or just not that approachable. Or you know what, who knows, maybe you're the coolest person there and your co-workers are intimidated by your coolness! At least that's what you should tell yourself :)

By Arian_fml | 0

#142794 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:29

PTERONOPHOBIA, You dont deserve to use the word "interweb".
Die.

By itsTiffany | 0

#142803 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:31

Well it was from your co-workers, not family. And honestly, wouldn't it be a little creepy if your co-workers loved you?

Reply

HamsteronA | 0

#852973 - Saturday 13 February 2010 22:45

that's excatlu what I was thinking