Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends"....

By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 09:36 - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Out of it

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonyme - 29/5/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By gonnafail - 16/11/2013 20:18 - United States - York

Today, my debate partner repeatedly said "You mad, bro?" to the opposing team in our college debate class. That debate was worth a considerable portion of our grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 03:29 - United States - Newark

Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML

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By Gears - 29/4/2019 16:00

Today, I had dinner at a local fast food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By DemCherries - 28/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own girlfriend for having sex at Walmart. She tried to get me to let her out on the grounds of being "pretty" and dating me. She wants to continue the relationship. FML

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By sorenips - 3/10/2011 23:19 - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

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By John - 20/7/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

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By IamAflyingCat - 22/10/2013 09:12 - United States

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

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By AtLeastIGetOvertime - 2/8/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my supervisor if I could take a week off next month to go visit family. He laughed and said, "That's funny, I've put you down for extra time that week, so you can cover my shifts while I go to Spain!" FML

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By Toasted - 29/4/2019 20:00

Shocking!

Today, in an attempt to be frugal, I tried to repair my own sometimes-faulty toaster. Turns out I unplugged the wrong kitchen appliance, which I only discovered by electrocuting myself while pulling it apart. Now it's definitely broken, will need replacing, and I have a burn. FML

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By nobieb - 20/8/2013 16:28 - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 23:00

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By JayBausch - 17/8/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Poquoson

Today, I was visiting a family member at a women's prison. The staff wanted to search me, basically claiming that my breasts looked suspiciously disproportionate, implying I was smuggling something in. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - 31/1/2013 10:28 - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By Hugh_Jankles - 8/1/2010 18:48 - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

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By sirensaresexy - 24/7/2012 13:54 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I got on a two hour train ride to go to a concert. I had been so caught up in handling the train tickets that halfway to the concert, I realized I had left the concert tickets on my dresser. FML

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By Oops54321 - 28/9/2009 07:12 - France

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

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By Salliemae - 11/8/2018 07:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML

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By FMAhole - 12/2/2019 12:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Good job!

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

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By JJMan217 - 3/4/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 21:23 - United States - Plaquemine

Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My bestfriend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

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By sadgf - 25/2/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

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By mtorres8789 - 27/6/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

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By user210 - 26/3/2012 03:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

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By whoops - 6/4/2017 22:00

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

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By Aerostar - 16/6/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2009 09:18 - Greece

Today, I hired an exterminator to get the roaches out of the house I am renting. I came back from work and went to my bathroom, noticing that he used the plunger to unclog the toilet after he took a dump. After $150, there was shit all over my floor and plunger, and roaches still in my kitchen. FML

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By sciencesadness - 8/2/2014 23:24 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

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By potassiumgirl - 11/4/2012 19:53 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

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By Blazouta - 11/11/2008 08:32 - France

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

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By DDRFreak - 19/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML