Kids: Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday.... - FML

By Whywhywhy - 20/08/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 258

You deserved it 360

Our house, in the middle of our street

End of the road

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By ManInPain - 12/07/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 052

You deserved it 4 896

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 15:05 - Ireland

Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 823

You deserved it 6 893

By megmo7 - 04/10/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 371

You deserved it 4 446

By lobotomized - 13/07/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 595

You deserved it 7 719

By Anonymous - 09/10/2012 12:12 - United States

Today, the guy I've been madly in love with for ages finally asked me out. I excitedly said yes. I waited a half an hour for him to show up, with another girl and say, "Where's your date?" I was asked to go on a double date, but apparently he forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 349

You deserved it 2 115

By Snails - 12/06/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 700

By Silverfeathery - 14/11/2016 11:19 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 563

You deserved it 2 762

By Timebaseboy - 21/10/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, the driver side mirror of my car was smashed off and laying on the ground. On the window was a $75.00 ticket for improper equipment for not having a mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 838

You deserved it 2 059

By Kurda - 23/05/2015 02:26 - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 462

You deserved it 2 746

Clerks 3

By Anonymous - 12/03/2021 15:30 - United States - Brunswick

Today, at my store, I had an old man violently accuse me of charging him for an extra pack of 99¢ Mounds candy yesterday. He held up my line for 10 minutes, fighting me about it. I didn't even work yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 43

By Anonymous - 25/01/2016 01:24 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 863

You deserved it 5 008

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 18:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 142

You deserved it 5 409

By spoton - 26/01/2017 16:00

Today, I sliced my finger on the register drawer. Not wanting to freak out my customer, I stuck my hand in my pocket and finished giving them change. Now I look like I period-bled through the front of my pants. Only 10 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 721

You deserved it 835

By crakbbyaparently - 31/01/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 762

You deserved it 1 874

Grown-ass man

By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 23:01 - United States - Southfield

Today, my mom got angry that I moved stuff in the freezer, and banned me from even opening it in future. I’m in my 30s, I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and now I've lost freezer privileges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 174

By TheVagabond_SRG - 02/08/2016 06:46 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 458

You deserved it 1 061

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 299

You deserved it 25 386

I wish!

By Anonymous - 17/09/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, my sister saw an empty bottle of squirty cream in my bedroom, and now her and my siblings keep teasing me about how I must have a really kinky sex life. Truth is, I ate the cream by myself with cake, chocolate and biscuits, because I was depressed about it actually being 2 years since I had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 195

By LongDriveNoSleep - 24/05/2016 10:38 - United States - Washington

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 044

You deserved it 1 330

By Anonymous - 16/07/2012 00:12 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 863

You deserved it 2 231

By ShandiPandiDerp - 20/05/2016 12:12 - United States

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 687

You deserved it 1 104

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, working from home due to the quarantine, things were going slow so I typed "Lola Fox BBC DP porn" into my team chat, thinking I was typing it into my browser. My supervisor took it down as soon as it happened, but people definitely saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 521

You deserved it 3 064

By BassGuy - 18/05/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 187

You deserved it 4 775

By balancestrikesagain - 24/04/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 344

You deserved it 10 712

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 02:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 883

You deserved it 7 757

By dimtsis - 29/07/2010 01:24 - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 543

You deserved it 4 151

By Anonymous - 15/05/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 610

You deserved it 6 917

By Mojo - 14/12/2009 17:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 468

You deserved it 5 156

By Anonymous - 30/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Littleton

Spicy

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 675

You deserved it 525

By bakergirl - 16/11/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 952

You deserved it 3 967

By badluck - 21/07/2014 19:31 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was out with my boyfriend, when he started browsing wedding rings. He found a ring, proposed to me right there in front of a crowd, and then was promptly denied a payment plan. We left without a ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 292

You deserved it 5 734

By baddoggy - 17/10/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 085

You deserved it 23 538

By waxer150 - 22/03/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 237

You deserved it 8 606

By Anonymous - 12/06/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 720

You deserved it 4 358

By Partyofthree - 06/06/2017 00:00

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 273

You deserved it 1 073

By x - 12/11/2012 02:16 - United States - Lake Placid

Today, I finally met the girl I've been talking to on phone for a while and found her charming in person as well. There's just one problem: she has more facial hair than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 484

You deserved it 6 577

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 20:32 - United States

Today, at work, a little boy shyly told his mom he thought I was cute. I smiled at him as she looked me up and down and said to him, "Eww, honey. No, you do not!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 780

You deserved it 3 155

By enya - 18/01/2016 22:29 - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 025

You deserved it 1 429

By Blue - 19/11/2008 11:02 - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 338

You deserved it 29 765

By TotallyDeservedIt - 19/05/2016 17:19 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 051

You deserved it 12 804

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 20 August 2017 14:36

It’s because you rock, Dad! Plot twist: the daughter is 34 years old.

sumocj 14

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Sunday 20 August 2017 15:39

How nice for your daughter to get you something so expensive!

Comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 20 August 2017 14:24

That's a rocky situation. I regret nothing.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 20 August 2017 14:36

It’s because you rock, Dad! Plot twist: the daughter is 34 years old.

RetireEngland 24

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Sunday 20 August 2017 14:49

Shouldn't smoke during pregnancy and this doesn't happen

sumocj 14

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Sunday 20 August 2017 15:39

How nice for your daughter to get you something so expensive!

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Sunday 20 August 2017 17:21

Do what most proud fathers would do. Frame it up, hang it on your refrigerator door, and smile at it every morning while you sip your coffee before heading off to work.

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 20 August 2017 18:01

What, the entire car?

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 20 August 2017 20:03

No, silly, just the door, hood, trunk or quarter panel where she did her artwork.

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Monday 21 August 2017 1:07

Or maybe he could just take a picture of it? I think it would be slightly easier to hang it up.

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Monday 21 August 2017 3:08

eh, think of it like this: its just how it looks, its not like suddenly the car doesn't work anymore, and you absolutely NEED to get an expensive repair.

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Monday 21 August 2017 8:09

exactly. Except if the heart was f*ckin huge. What I don't think happened. Because if your daugther was big enough to reach on top of the car, then she should be old enough to know better...

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Monday 21 August 2017 8:06

Aww It could be worse yknow... All my little sister will do on my dads bday is trun around in bed and say "I don't f*cking care..." Yes, you may call her ungrateful.

Meala Skobeleva 5

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Saturday 14 October 2017 20:23

must be a really old car and heart mean, we died soon

VeryAnnoyed481549 11

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Tuesday 24 July 2018 20:28

aww how sweet...?

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 59

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 68

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 131