Dietitian is the recognized title - FML

Dietitian is the recognized title

By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/06/2020 02:02

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 863

You deserved it 111

Dementia or hate? You decide

Litter

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:40 - France

Spicy

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 781

You deserved it 7 140

By helplesssssss - 07/08/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 062

You deserved it 15 128

Blast from the past

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, I found a USB stick my husband was hiding. I checked and it had hundreds of pictures of girls from porn sites and Instagram. That wasn’t the issue. Hidden in those pictures was a pic of his ex-girlfriend, with whom he has not been with past 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 209

By gooddaydude - 04/04/2015 19:32 - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 305

You deserved it 4 279

By Nails - 22/02/2009 03:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 989

You deserved it 7 193

By hexphoenix - 07/04/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 241

You deserved it 2 678

By weddingcrashed - 19/09/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 480

You deserved it 4 295

By lulupie - 08/08/2016 09:10

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 994

You deserved it 1 132

By LC - 23/01/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I invited this guy I fooled around with over to "hang out". He's "en route", so I start to make my bed only to find my cat thought this was the best time to tell me she's sick by throwing up in my bed. I only have one set of linen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 772

You deserved it 7 114

By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 061

You deserved it 41 798

By Benjamin - 25/01/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, a coworker thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair. When I sat down, it went directly into my butt. When I sprang up, I hit my head on a lamp. I then hit my head on my desk on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 714

You deserved it 3 029

By SaucierGirl - 12/08/2018 03:30

Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 076

You deserved it 296

Crucial information

By no one - 02/06/2020 14:00

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 673

You deserved it 110

By swip - 29/07/2018 20:30

Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 846

You deserved it 611

By umyuck - 03/05/2015 16:55 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 424

You deserved it 2 507

By "baow" - 17/03/2019 14:00

Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently have had bragging the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well guess who got a whiskey dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 3 527

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 16:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 341

You deserved it 4 722

By the unfortunate man - 19/07/2013 04:29 - United States - Salisbury

Spicy

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 184

You deserved it 3 137

By marie519 - 09/01/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 304

You deserved it 3 248

By Anonymous - 11/07/2012 05:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 946

You deserved it 9 838

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 03:25 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 269

You deserved it 1 587

By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 21:06 - United States - Buffalo

Spicy

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 944

You deserved it 10 953

Healthcare is a human right

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 21:01 - United States - Edwardsville

Today, I was yelled at by my mom because I didn't hear her. I'm only 16, but I swear, to some extent, I'm losing my hearing, I don't even know what from. I've told her this, but she can't hear out of one ear, so of course it wouldn't feel real. I do feel bad about it, but I haven't heard her every time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 54

Zoom this, bitches!

By badmom - 02/08/2020 02:02

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 244

By overflowing - 16/04/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 127

You deserved it 8 628

By Christine - 24/12/2016 17:56

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 273

You deserved it 1 697

By Gullible - 25/02/2013 06:10 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 145

You deserved it 7 361

By MySummerinEurope - 25/05/2012 22:59 - Belgium - Brussels

Spicy

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 513

You deserved it 29 707

By smurfisurfer1 - 12/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into trouble with his mother for me still being at their house at 1:00 am. I'm 24, he's 22 and we really were studying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 787

You deserved it 4 908

By me - 07/05/2012 20:38 - Canada - Orillia

Spicy

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 148

You deserved it 12 072

By hendrixisgod86 - 15/05/2015 18:48 - United States - Crestview

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 054

You deserved it 2 129

Thanks guys

By daddy - 22/12/2008 05:43 - France

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where were the police? They were 500 m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 549

You deserved it 2 214

By Why? - 05/11/2015 03:57 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 586

You deserved it 1 971

By öKANEö - 02/02/2018 08:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 733

You deserved it 248

By Anonymous - 08/09/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

Spicy

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 357

You deserved it 2 544

By notfuckingpaidenough - 13/06/2015 11:45 - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 402

You deserved it 2 060

By J Rush - 21/03/2012 11:46 - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 143

You deserved it 3 231

By doubledown - 04/06/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 109

You deserved it 3 431

By seriously - 02/10/2010 20:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 744

You deserved it 4 403

By Anonymous - 17/10/2018 17:30

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend's family for the first time. Unfortunately, I have diarrhoea and keep leaving extremely smelly farts around the house. I blame the dog every time, but I think they're catching on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 900

You deserved it 493

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

deademolover 19

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 6:33

just remind her who's the mom and who's house it belongs to or if it were me I'd be like no thank you dont want him looking like you or having your health problems

Jillian Cosby-Kelly 15

Wednesday 24 June 2020 20:01

NOT the point.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 3:39

Yes, one-year-olds should stick with Diet Dr. Pepper!

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 4:31

An occasional cup here and there won't hurt them, so long as it doesn't become a regular thing.

Jillian Cosby-Kelly 15

Wednesday 24 June 2020 20:01

NOT the point.

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 23:34

And even then a one year old shouldn't really need to have sugary drinks.

deademolover 19

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 6:33

just remind her who's the mom and who's house it belongs to or if it were me I'd be like no thank you dont want him looking like you or having your health problems

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 14:55

call her out on it then if that dumb bitch can't listen she shouldn't be around your kids

Jillian Cosby-Kelly 15

Wednesday 24 June 2020 20:04

That is DISGUSTING. I would lose my damn mind!!!! Next time look her dead in the eyes and say "you sure about that?" like Sam Elliott

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 June 2020 23:17

ok so no more going over to MIL's house if she doesn't respect your wishes for your child.

spinspinsugar 12

Send a private message

Thursday 25 June 2020 4:15

thank fuck my mom never gave soda and I still don't like it and I'm in my 30s

ViviMage 38

Monday 29 June 2020 7:31

Children ages 2 to 18 should sip no more than 8 ounces of sugar-sweetened drinks over a seven-day period, the American Heart Association says in new recommendations published Monday in the journal, Circulation. These syrupy sips include sodas, sports and energy drinks, fruit-flavored waters and sweetened teas.

Sarah Kryski-Kenny 3

Send a private message

Thursday 2 July 2020 21:23

Also, doesn’t Dr. Pepper have caffeine in it?!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 116

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 95