Love: Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because... - FML

By hobo - 17/05/2015 17:47 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 512

You deserved it 2 192

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Dysfunctional

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 07:10 - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 696

You deserved it 3 392

By Username - 14/08/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 835

You deserved it 6 416

Abandoned

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 05:00

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 073

You deserved it 224

By pandroida - 25/10/2009 15:56 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 244

You deserved it 5 718

By apparentlyugly - 15/06/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself so I said that I was fun, attractive and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year old sister walked up to me and screamed "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 270

You deserved it 15 188

By Anonymous - 06/08/2012 19:50 - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 146

You deserved it 4 422

By Az - 13/06/2012 00:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 852

You deserved it 2 370

By Anonymous - 04/06/2014 14:34 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 515

You deserved it 3 922

By Helena - 25/09/2018 03:00

Today, I was on my Wheel of Time fanfiction roleplay chatting seductively with my virtual lover while taking a break from doing some work, only to realize that I had accidentally sent the revenue report to my fellow fanfiction lover and used magic to undress my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 4 501

By ellabellabooboo - 22/03/2015 02:27 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 205

You deserved it 2 669

Tasty

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 06:01

Today, we all know the expression “Salt in your wounds” and it sounds rather unpleasant, right? Well, I just managed to breathe in while biting into an egg, so trust me, salt in your lungs isn’t great, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 639

You deserved it 152

Everybody has a body

By PixiXOXO - 26/07/2012 18:07 - Denmark - Birker?d

Spicy

Today, I realised just how cripplingly self-conscious I am, when I couldn't even fantasise about having sex with a guy without feeling shy and insecure about my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 587

You deserved it 5 395

By Alex - 08/05/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 615

You deserved it 902

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 042

You deserved it 5 629

By dawg3360 - 07/06/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 576

You deserved it 134 061

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 21:28 - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 430

You deserved it 3 162

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 00:11 - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 474

You deserved it 19 014

By Anonymous - 13/09/2016 16:33 - United States - Orlando

Today, I eavesdropped as my friend tried hinting to my crush that I like him. He replied, "Haha, eww. She looks like a fuckin' garden gnome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 473

You deserved it 1 722

By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 597

You deserved it 2 491

By Amara1717 - 19/08/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 015

You deserved it 3 496

Time is money

By asdfasdf - 24/01/2009 15:14 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 073

You deserved it 5 921

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 054

You deserved it 9 170

By silkworm - 24/06/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 889

You deserved it 2 741

By Anonymous - 13/05/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 964

You deserved it 3 830

By nokeys - 02/04/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend after driving 200 miles to see him. While arguing, I told him I never wanted to see him again and left after slamming the front door. I left my car keys in his kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 743

You deserved it 58 988

Scarcity

By Niniva - 01/03/2021 08:01 - United States - Dahlonega

Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 76

By Anonymous - 09/07/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 196

You deserved it 343

Not a good look

By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 165

By oww - 09/03/2010 11:14 - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 217

You deserved it 38 188

By Anonymous - 27/05/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Spicy

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 730

You deserved it 3 011

By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 01:22 - United States - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend and I compared our No Shave November body hair. This is how I found out that my legs are hairier than his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 216

You deserved it 7 943

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 16:36 - United States - Anchorage

Spicy

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 208

You deserved it 6 515

By stewardess - 03/10/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I asked a passenger what he wanted to drink. When he said marijuana, I started making pot jokes. He really asked for mineral water. I was given a drug test when we landed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 969

You deserved it 12 384

By wtfdreams - 17/05/2009 12:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192 822

You deserved it 50 133

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 18:07 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 394

You deserved it 2 574

By Anonymous - 05/07/2012 19:10 - United States - Findlay

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a diet coke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 690

You deserved it 9 983

By tempted to become single - 21/10/2012 16:00 - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 231

You deserved it 3 151

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 17:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 425

You deserved it 3 257

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 441

You deserved it 6 878

By scotto - 23/02/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 366

You deserved it 3 448

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Top comments

steveykinz0967 16

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:19

Wow their relationship is really in the toilet.

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:20

you roll the paper over, not under, dammit.

Comments

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:18

Toilet paper breaks homes apart. That's why I keep 3 different types at my moms house.

meliodafool_ 15

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Monday 18 May 2015 18:23

2 ply, or not 2 ply? that is the question.

False_Stupidity 41

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 0:03

That was brilliant #26. I'd like to 3 ply to your pun with another.

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 1:44

Maybe it's because op's dad didn't do enough 4ply before sex?

shemademedoit 20

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 7:42

that relationship is full of shit

wakemeupplease 21

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:19

Such an important thing I totally agree with that fight!!! :p

steveykinz0967 16

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:19

Wow their relationship is really in the toilet.

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:58

I think some would even say it was... Paper thin.

Daevas 18

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:11

It seems as if their relation ship went... down the drain.

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 15:21

they were on the last roll

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Wednesday 20 May 2015 15:23

The entire reason I signed into FML for the first time in YEARS to my memory is to say this: Get out. xD

venomousflower 24

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:19

Some fight

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:20

It was probably an argument on which direction should you place it. Paper facing you or facing away from you

Dingodile_fml 11

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Monday 18 May 2015 21:16

I believe this is known as overhand, or underhand. My rule of thumb is, if there are toddlers or cats in the house, underhand it is.

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:20

you roll the paper over, not under, dammit.

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:29

Dammit #6, I was gonna make a comment like that. But at least you're correct and I don't have to tell you what a blundering fool you are for putting your rolls on backwards. Under just LOOKS stupid.

lil_juggalette 15

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Monday 18 May 2015 17:09

well if you have cats (like I do) then putting it over would be a disaster. I have to put it under because if I dont then my cats will attack it and unroll it just to make confetti around the house

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Monday 18 May 2015 20:03

I have a lifting metal cover on my toilet paper to keep the cat from getting to it. I can't stand having the roll the wrong way

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:29

@31: Genius!! I need to get one of those! My profile pic was my Mother's Day surprise from one of my fur babies. Caught her in the act!

columbusthecat 17

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 7:29

I have a cat as well, and I can't stand underhand toilet paper, so I just shut the door so he can't get in

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 18:21

#31; "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you have constructed. The ability to hide your toilet paper is insignificant, next to the power of a cat."

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:20

some assholes are just sensitive.

llamarrama01 21

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:20

That's a shitty situation

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Monday 18 May 2015 17:10

Leave.

mmmxr 11

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Monday 18 May 2015 22:08

I was about to say, wow no one left a "that's a shitty situation" comment and then you came along and had to try being funny!

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:23

Your dad is rather inconsiderate, especially if he was the one who decided to break things off and walk: he doesn't have your stability in mind at all when he makes decisions. FYL OP, hope things cool down soon.

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Monday 18 May 2015 20:05

Shouldn't both parties be at fault instead of just blaming the dad?

_Peppermint_ 34

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Monday 18 May 2015 16:24

Hope you find somewhere to settle again soon!

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 1 505

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 184