Love: Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to...

By Dulieu - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

Late term

This is us

By evecamp - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

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By RosaP - Canada

Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the hospital. This lady was calling the Nurses' Station, and I had to go see what she wanted. When I asked her what she needed, she mumbled something. As I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying, she threw up all over my face. Apparently, she was nauseous. FML

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By neoteck - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By jared576

Not lovin' it

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

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By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Ruined art

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 08:01

In all my days…

Today, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown, and poured my heart out to a doctor, who seemed to be well over 60. She looked at me, flabbergasted and said, "I never met anyone with that many problems!" Gee, thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By liar liar plants for hire - 3/8/2020 23:01

Season finale

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

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By SonOfACatKiller - United States - Juno

Alas, poor Tiddles

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

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By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Memory low

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

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By bells - United States

Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

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By kennyjhynes - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

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By anonymous - 14/11/2020 06:57 - United States - Irving

Entitled

Today, where I work at a pharmacy, we were short staffed and running 4 hours behind. A lady came to drop off a new prescription. When I explained to her the wait time, she called the patient. I heard ,"No, they don't look busy." Like, really? FML

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By truckstopworker

Today, while working at my truck stop, I helped a trucker check his tires. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and we chatted for a bit. After he took off and I walked back inside, I went to clean the shower he was in before. Turns out he took a shit on the floor. His wife had been in there with him. FML

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By jonnyc - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a building site near my house, there was a sign saying "WARNING - Beware of the scaffolding". I started laughing at the stupidity of the sign, and walked straight into a metal pole. FML

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By Xandar

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

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By cclllc - United States - Weatherford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML

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By accidentalsmartass - Japan - Tokyo

He deserved it. Snapping ain't cool unless you're a turtle.

Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML

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By bananamuffin - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By xXMudkipNoobXx - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

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By gotta euthanize em all - Canada

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

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By Drai Gray

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

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By Johna Richardson

Today, after my boyfriend ignored me for hours playing video games, he gave me some attention for a little bit. When I tried to run my fingers through his hair, I missed and punched him in the face. FML

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By theoriginalkydd - Canada - Toronto

Today, I met up with my ex girlfriend for coffee. It’s been months, and I was planning on flexing on her with my new car. Turns out, she also got a new car, and it’s newer, cleaner, faster, and better on gas... FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By PoopTart - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 6/5/2020 17:00

Broken bum

Today, marks the 29th day since I missed my haemorrhoid surgery. They told me to wait because it's not life threatening and so that I don't get the virus going to the hospital, which I understand. The problem is, even though I take suppositories, it hurts badly and bleed each time I have to take a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

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By _dopey_ - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By cyndee_2010 | 0

#968 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:46

i hope she dumped you

By lemonkid44 | 0

#975 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 4:30

sorry man. no sympathy for cheaters. you had to get caught eventually

COMMENTS

By cyndee_2010 | 0

#968 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:46

i hope she dumped you

donttalkshit | 0

#1289279 - Monday 23 August 2010 10:33

yeah op you deserve that.

Monstee | 2

#1988940 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:16

Rofl..

jacobs_double | 0

#2691917 - Thursday 16 June 2011 4:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

thedaish | 0

#2977843 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 6:41

So either you're a cheater, or your girlfriend's a lesbian.

funnynesh | 10

#4204719 - Friday 23 March 2012 11:09

Just because there was another pair of panties, doesn't mean OP cheated on his girlfriend. Ever heard of an ex?

By lemonkid44 | 0

#975 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 4:30

sorry man. no sympathy for cheaters. you had to get caught eventually

SarcasticSteven | 0

#1759111 - Saturday 27 November 2010 13:47

i feel the same way

intothecrypt | 3

#3747288 - Sunday 18 December 2011 0:29

Saying sorry and then stating that you have no sympathy for him makes sense, right?

youjustmademelol | 4

#4436656 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 3:28

Wait so that means you cheated... You worthless scum get off this forum

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5903365 - Wednesday 2 April 2014 23:37

PLOT TWIST: It was really OP's bisexual girlfriend that was cheating on HIM!

By redonkulon | 2

#1162 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:17

That means the other girl left your place commando. You should probably stick with that one anyway.

By Girlssuck | 0

#1354 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 19:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

DenBriZel | 31

#5625389 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 8:52

So you'd cheat, get caught, and then lie your way out of it... Classy.

By omg123 | 0

#1633 - Thursday 12 February 2009 19:27

I have so many things to say but......not cool, how would you feel if she handed you the wrong underwear? Actually, you probably would not care.

By supafly208 | 0

#1915 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:21

glad you got caught

By SwampThing | 0

#2007 - Saturday 14 February 2009 2:04

I hope you get leprosy

xPedobear | 0

#1287615 - Monday 23 August 2010 2:54

that's nice

beth_ebdon | 6

#5251020 - Sunday 16 December 2012 0:31

Too harsh

ifuckuprandomly | 28

#6650674 - Friday 15 July 2016 20:28

Calm down, he isn't Hitler!

By midnyte | 0

#2085 - Saturday 14 February 2009 7:56

You were saving it for her birthday and it was supposed to be a surprise? Oh wait, maybe that was in a movie once...

By suyci | 0

#2469 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:39

haha in ur face moron!

By wafflemonger | 0

#2505 - Monday 16 February 2009 3:25

I've never understood how people leave undergarments at other people's places after a one-night stand. Can someone explain this to me? I feel naked and weird if I'm walking out in public without a bra and/or panties.

Isoldael | 27

#5349448 - Friday 1 February 2013 8:48

Maybe they had a clean pair with them ^^

XxQuartersxX | 14

#5662776 - Saturday 7 September 2013 7:56

To be honest, I really like going commando. Lol