Love: Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to...

By Dulieu - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Late term

Real life

By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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By sadness1992 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

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By CheesyCasey - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By cazorp - United States

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

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By LifeSucks - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

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By PeanutlyDisabled - France

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

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By pizzaface - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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By Henry

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By coldasfire - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

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By TheStressComesFree - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

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By That Person - Australia - Coolbellup

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

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By stupid voicemails - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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21979

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By ruvru - United States

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

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39533

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By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

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By Alexander - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

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By FML.. - China

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

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By hobo no-no - 10/11/2020 08:00 - United States

Broke

Today, I saw my ex asking for change outside a store. I was so shocked and sad to see him in such a position, I offered to take him home with me, let him shower and cook him a good meal. He laughed in my face and said, "Nah, I just do this for some quick bucks. It’s easier than working." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

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By fuckered519 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

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By cbolig

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

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By epicfail - United States

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to sneak out. As I was climbing out of my 3rd floor window, he got a text and moved the ladder. Now I'm in the hospital with two broken ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my hair straightener broke. My husband suggested putting electrical tape on it because it was heat proof. I did and started straightening my hair. The supposed heat proof tape melted and got stuck in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my purse was stolen. Too bad it had all of my money and my passport. My flight is tomorrow, and the embassy is closed until Monday. Guess who gets to stay in a foreign country with no money and no identification for the next 3 days. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

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By really? - United States - Concord

Today, my son told me that some kids had been picking on him at school. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that kids sometimes didn't say "Hi" back when he greeted them. FML

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By aginglikemilk

They weren't wrong...

Today, I had a customer tell me that I don't look a day over 39. I'm 35. FML

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By 2dumb2drive - United States

Today, I thought it would be fun to drive into a stack of some empty cardboard boxes on my street. They weren't empty. FML

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By Lissa - 13/1/2021 01:58

Start worrying

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn’t have me as a pinned text message thread on his phone. But he definitely has his female best friend pinned. He even has a cute nickname for her. The girl he says, "Not to worry about." FML

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By ihateveganism - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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41101

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By valerie - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

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44839

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By teacher - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By Ready to break up - 8/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

Smells like victory

Today, my girlfriend and her best friend have been in a contest to see who can go the longest without showering. They’ve just hit day 22. They smell so bad, I can’t stand to be in the same room with them anymore. I'm really about to dump her. FML

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By Bethany - United States

Today, I have an orthodontist's appointment, and I told my best friend that I was going to get my teeth fixed. She replied, "Wow, thanks. Your smile's really awful to have to look at." FML

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Top comments

By cyndee_2010 | 0

#968 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:46

i hope she dumped you

By lemonkid44 | 0

#975 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 4:30

sorry man. no sympathy for cheaters. you had to get caught eventually

COMMENTS

By cyndee_2010 | 0

#968 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:46

i hope she dumped you

donttalkshit | 0

#1289279 - Monday 23 August 2010 10:33

yeah op you deserve that.

Monstee | 2

#1988940 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:16

Rofl..

jacobs_double | 0

#2691917 - Thursday 16 June 2011 4:30

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

thedaish | 0

#2977843 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 6:41

So either you're a cheater, or your girlfriend's a lesbian.

funnynesh | 10

#4204719 - Friday 23 March 2012 11:09

Just because there was another pair of panties, doesn't mean OP cheated on his girlfriend. Ever heard of an ex?

By lemonkid44 | 0

#975 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 4:30

sorry man. no sympathy for cheaters. you had to get caught eventually

SarcasticSteven | 0

#1759111 - Saturday 27 November 2010 13:47

i feel the same way

intothecrypt | 3

#3747288 - Sunday 18 December 2011 0:29

Saying sorry and then stating that you have no sympathy for him makes sense, right?

youjustmademelol | 4

#4436656 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 3:28

Wait so that means you cheated... You worthless scum get off this forum

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5903365 - Wednesday 2 April 2014 23:37

PLOT TWIST: It was really OP's bisexual girlfriend that was cheating on HIM!

By redonkulon | 2

#1162 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:17

That means the other girl left your place commando. You should probably stick with that one anyway.

By Girlssuck | 0

#1354 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 19:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

DenBriZel | 31

#5625389 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 8:52

So you'd cheat, get caught, and then lie your way out of it... Classy.

By omg123 | 0

#1633 - Thursday 12 February 2009 19:27

I have so many things to say but......not cool, how would you feel if she handed you the wrong underwear? Actually, you probably would not care.

By supafly208 | 0

#1915 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:21

glad you got caught

By SwampThing | 0

#2007 - Saturday 14 February 2009 2:04

I hope you get leprosy

xPedobear | 0

#1287615 - Monday 23 August 2010 2:54

that's nice

beth_ebdon | 6

#5251020 - Sunday 16 December 2012 0:31

Too harsh

ifuckuprandomly | 28

#6650674 - Friday 15 July 2016 20:28

Calm down, he isn't Hitler!

By midnyte | 0

#2085 - Saturday 14 February 2009 7:56

You were saving it for her birthday and it was supposed to be a surprise? Oh wait, maybe that was in a movie once...

By suyci | 0

#2469 - Monday 16 February 2009 0:39

haha in ur face moron!

By wafflemonger | 0

#2505 - Monday 16 February 2009 3:25

I've never understood how people leave undergarments at other people's places after a one-night stand. Can someone explain this to me? I feel naked and weird if I'm walking out in public without a bra and/or panties.

Isoldael | 27

#5349448 - Friday 1 February 2013 8:48

Maybe they had a clean pair with them ^^

XxQuartersxX | 14

#5662776 - Saturday 7 September 2013 7:56

To be honest, I really like going commando. Lol