Intimacy: Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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Proactive

Last dates

Persona non grata

By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By LIFT - 23/7/2020 08:01

Ant life

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By foreveralone - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By lactose intolerant - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML

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By Timeless - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

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By ehbe - France

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". FML

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By Me

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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By KnowledgableEx - United States - Baltimore

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

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By mr_cheese - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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By sos - United States

Today, I found out that I can't pass a field sobriety test while sober. FML

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By stinky breath - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By Nails - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

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By Kat - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

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By Blah - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By piper55

Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

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By uterurist - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

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By beatricesank - Canada

Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML

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By Exhausted - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

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By whatevershit - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

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By kstaa - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By Solo coffee

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of 2 and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By CasperTheFriendlyGhost - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was told to rub in my sunscreen because I looked like a ghost. I wasn't wearing any. I'm just that white. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 17:00

The View

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

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By wendtinmypants - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

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By tongue tied - United States - Meadville

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

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By Embarressed... - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

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By justplainsad - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

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Top comments

By manb91uk | 22

#7730968 - Saturday 1 December 2018 8:32

Well, now the manager of your local car phone warehouse knows you're a complete wanker... I'm going out on a limb here and assume he didt shake your hand or high five you?

Maybe you got a fistbump instead?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7730933 - Saturday 1 December 2018 6:27

What kind of defective SIM card did they put in?

And where can I get one?

COMMENTS

By Leeono | 26

#7723596 - Thursday 15 November 2018 9:58

Poped up? Should we be making a priest joke right now?

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7731199 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:25

He spelled “popped” correctly …

By sunnyray812 | 42

#7723635 - Thursday 15 November 2018 11:07

When porn goes Catholic.

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7731200 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:26

Can people not read?

Reply

sunnyray812 | 42

#7731263 - Saturday 1 December 2018 19:06

Before it was edited for mainfeed, it said "poped" instead of "popped."

By RichardPencil | 30

#7730933 - Saturday 1 December 2018 6:27

What kind of defective SIM card did they put in?

And where can I get one?

By manb91uk | 22

#7730968 - Saturday 1 December 2018 8:32

Well, now the manager of your local car phone warehouse knows you're a complete wanker... I'm going out on a limb here and assume he didt shake your hand or high five you?

Maybe you got a fistbump instead?

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7731201 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:27

“The internet is for porn.”

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7731237 - Saturday 1 December 2018 18:06

There is more then just Porn on the internet?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7731368 - Sunday 2 December 2018 1:12

i know your struggles not at the provider though

By VanTufty | 13

#7731577 - Sunday 2 December 2018 12:47

Is nothing private anymore

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7752391 - Sunday 13 January 2019 9:48

Why do you think there's an incognito mode? So you can watch porn without worrying about a thing!

By Krystal.xo | 12

#7766758 - Sunday 10 February 2019 6:06

"popped up"