Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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In the zone

Social distancing done right

Yeah, fuck the poor

By Britishboy1991

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By FML - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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By Weirdo - 22/11/2020 08:02

Technologically challenged

Today, once again, my mom chewed me out for, “playing games on the computer all day.” I’m not playing, it’s 3D modeling, and it’s my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

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By pyook

My Bucket

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

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By gimpy - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

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By NoLife - United States

Today, I purposely went offline on Facebook chat, just so people would think I actually have a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 14:00

Unsanitary

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML

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By ccrex

Today, I put my phone on top the car while putting my daughter in her car seat. Told myself not to forget it. Then I drove away, and it flew off the top of the car on the freeway. It got ran over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

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By ruined_suit - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By Zodiacfall

Precision strike

Today, I replaced my bedsheets with new, clean ones. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, my cat had peed exactly where my head would be. FML

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By joAnne - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By Stressed_Out_Student

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By Facepalm - United States

Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML

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By fmfb - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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By Bob H. - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

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By SaMike - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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By headache

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to a note on my nightstand from my fiancée, along with the ring I proposed to her with yesterday, which stated that not only was she not ready to be married, but she’d been planning to end things before I “blindsided" her. FML

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By Twiddle - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

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By Fuckup - United States - Naples

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

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By KJS - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

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By bglenney - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

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By fail - Canada

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

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By

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

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By Sisi - United States - Mesa

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Philippine

Today, while entering in my college building, I noticed that my right shoelace was untied and I tied it. I didn't realize that just in front of me was a metal beam until I hit my head hard on it and a loud, reverberating sound was produced. Many people saw what happened. FML

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Top comments

By manb91uk | 22

#7730968 - Saturday 1 December 2018 8:32

Well, now the manager of your local car phone warehouse knows you're a complete wanker... I'm going out on a limb here and assume he didt shake your hand or high five you?

Maybe you got a fistbump instead?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7730933 - Saturday 1 December 2018 6:27

What kind of defective SIM card did they put in?

And where can I get one?

COMMENTS

By Leeono | 26

#7723596 - Thursday 15 November 2018 9:58

Poped up? Should we be making a priest joke right now?

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7731199 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:25

He spelled “popped” correctly …

By sunnyray812 | 42

#7723635 - Thursday 15 November 2018 11:07

When porn goes Catholic.

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7731200 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:26

Can people not read?

Reply

sunnyray812 | 42

#7731263 - Saturday 1 December 2018 19:06

Before it was edited for mainfeed, it said "poped" instead of "popped."

By RichardPencil | 28

#7730933 - Saturday 1 December 2018 6:27

What kind of defective SIM card did they put in?

And where can I get one?

By manb91uk | 22

#7730968 - Saturday 1 December 2018 8:32

Well, now the manager of your local car phone warehouse knows you're a complete wanker... I'm going out on a limb here and assume he didt shake your hand or high five you?

Maybe you got a fistbump instead?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7731198 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:24

So? Everyone watches porn

Reply

anothermaria | 9

#7731388 - Sunday 2 December 2018 2:42

not at work

Reply

anothermaria | 9

#7731391 - Sunday 2 December 2018 2:43

I misread the post. sorry

Reply

ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7858179 - Sunday 10 November 2019 14:14

I actually don't, i did watch it once but found it disgusting and depressing

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7731201 - Saturday 1 December 2018 16:27

“The internet is for porn.”

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7731237 - Saturday 1 December 2018 18:06

There is more then just Porn on the internet?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7731368 - Sunday 2 December 2018 1:12

i know your struggles not at the provider though

By VanTufty | 13

#7731577 - Sunday 2 December 2018 12:47

Is nothing private anymore

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7752391 - Sunday 13 January 2019 9:48

Why do you think there's an incognito mode? So you can watch porn without worrying about a thing!