Kids: Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 46

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

17/05/2012 04:35

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 098

You deserved it 5 875

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Dementia or hate? You decide

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The Voice

By legit247 - 10/05/2013 04:44

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 678

You deserved it 9 417

02/04/2015 14:21

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 984

You deserved it 2 967

23/11/2015 20:50

Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting 3 hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 17 809

17/08/2011 17:25

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 552

You deserved it 4 827

13/12/2015 04:40

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 634

You deserved it 5 788

09/05/2016 20:12

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 169

You deserved it 889

25/12/2012 01:31

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 175

You deserved it 2 880

21/05/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 137

You deserved it 804

14/11/2016 11:19

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 562

You deserved it 2 760

16/07/2009 16:25

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 562

You deserved it 101 832

24/03/2013 23:47

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 224

You deserved it 9 589

18/02/2016 03:22

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 893

You deserved it 4 872

Mr Whiskers

By Anonymous - 29/05/2020 14:00

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 306

04/08/2014 00:19

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 331

You deserved it 5 516

Nice.

By poururheartout - 27/07/2018 20:30

Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 199

You deserved it 360

20/02/2009 08:29

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861 088

You deserved it 94 340

11/12/2009 05:10

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 616

You deserved it 2 593

03/05/2012 02:39

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 901

You deserved it 31 728

25/12/2011 20:38

Spicy

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 045

You deserved it 2 864

03/02/2010 06:27

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 329

You deserved it 2 564

22/07/2016 19:25

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 519

You deserved it 1 757

21/06/2012 05:40

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 258

You deserved it 9 394

24/08/2017 07:00

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 601

You deserved it 359

01/12/2011 22:25

Spicy

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 229

You deserved it 10 602

07/01/2017 02:07

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 597

You deserved it 1 746

07/07/2010 16:40

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 288

You deserved it 8 906

06/10/2009 12:08

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 356

You deserved it 4 412

Boundaries, dude!

By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 02/03/2020 18:00

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 329

03/01/2010 16:04

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 029

You deserved it 5 462

You snooze, you lose

By Jaymail - 17/05/2020 17:00

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 474

Quality time

By Anonymous - 26/09/2019 18:00

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 528

You deserved it 130

30/08/2014 02:54

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 985

You deserved it 10 365

08/10/2013 21:16

Today, I got my daughter's school pictures. Instead of smiling, she did the duck face. She's 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 260

You deserved it 8 355

10/02/2016 11:57

Today, I worked from home to actually be able to concentrate and make a presentation about my project. My boss then sends me a long email about how he wants us to work in the office, and how important it is for team building, giving me feelings of guilt for actually getting some work done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 616

You deserved it 1 952

03/01/2012 05:32

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 295

You deserved it 2 608

Indoctrination

By say no to indoctrination - 22/08/2020 20:02

Today, I was called everything from a communist to a nazi to a national traitor for suggesting that kids shouldn’t be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at school until they’re old enough to truly understand what it means. Someone even threatened to kick my ass for speaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 802

Everyone's a Critic

By Kitten - 19/06/2018 15:00

Today, I was playing some children's music while I cooked so my two-year-old was entertained a little. I started dancing while cooking and she looked at me with a straight face and said, "Mama... Don't dance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 909

You deserved it 640

Where it is?

By Anonymous - 10/02/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 657

You deserved it 263

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 00:01

Today, I finally found something to be thankful for in my lonely life: At least I don’t have to panic whenever my period is late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 77

Brain worms

By JaneSimple - 16/08/2020 14:02

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 195

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Top comments

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:03

Did you use your map to get home?

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:07

Ask the map to take you to a new hair salon.

Comments

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:03

Did you use your map to get home?

hockeyoceancity 13

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:18

Dora is an explorer is like 7 years old, goes out on trips everyday, teaches basic spanish, bestfriend is a monkey named Boots and a map that talks that has an amazing singing skills, Dora is a champ. Swiper no swiping!

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:34

Que?

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Thursday 17 May 2012 13:50

Swiper nooooo swiping!

happle 21

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Thursday 17 May 2012 13:59

*¿Qué?

wastingtimeonFML 7

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Thursday 17 May 2012 15:27

Haha, I laughed t the comment more than I did at the FML.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 19:15

Haha

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Thursday 17 May 2012 19:47

Come on, vamanos. Everybody lets go...

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Thursday 17 May 2012 22:11

We know we can do it! :D

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Thursday 24 May 2012 23:45

lol thtz funny as hell

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Monday 21 July 2014 16:40

Be happy, Dora is so hot! (Jk)

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:03

Could have been worse.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:07

Ask the map to take you to a new hair salon.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 13:17

Swiper is digging your do so much hes gunna swipe ir ;)

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Thursday 17 May 2012 14:06

OP probably just owns the purple backpack... Who owns a map? GPS.

muzy 23

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Thursday 17 May 2012 18:28

op you must have mad swagger if your daughter thinks you look like Dora !!

shayshayshazam 14

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:09

If she loves Dora the Explorer, take it as a compliment. If she hates Dora the Explorer, go get a better haircut.

CaramelMacchiato 13

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Thursday 17 May 2012 13:01

If your daughter called you Dora the Explorer, that should be a compliment. But if your friend/co-worker/ect called you Dora... That'd be a different story, haha! :(

doctorhook86 24

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Thursday 17 May 2012 17:30

#4 is correct; when a toddler tells you that you look like Dora the Explorer, it's a compliment of the highest caliber.

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Thursday 17 May 2012 20:42

Thank you, I was gonna say the same thing. When some random 4 year olds have commented I look like Dora or Pinkie Pie (i have pink hair) I take it as a compliment :)

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:09

I'd be so tempted to shave it off and start over.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 17:35

Swiper no swiping!

wlddog 14

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:10

Sometimes kids are the only people that will be honest with you.

CaramelMacchiato 13

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Thursday 17 May 2012 13:05

There's only two kinds of honest people in this world. Drunk people and children.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:15

did you go through obstacles on the way home?!

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:16

If she's little (about 6 or under) don't take it as an insult.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:20

It says shes 3?

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:45

It seems like you skipped over the part where it actually mentions OPs daughters age #8...

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Thursday 17 May 2012 19:17

I think he's explaining the ages where kids don't know any better

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 18 May 2012 2:56

**If she's like 6 and bellow...

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Friday 18 May 2012 7:20

***below

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Monday 21 May 2012 5:01

3 > 6

Ugi 26

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:23

I think that might have been about the map, backpack and pet monkey as much as the haircut!

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Thursday 17 May 2012 12:34

Lol!! Go to a new hair salon next time.