Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 91

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 1 242

05/12/2009 04:08

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 765

You deserved it 34 449

Miscellaneous

Empathy lives

Triage

People are people

The struggle is real

By WiredUp - 21/08/2020 13:05

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 153

08/10/2009 21:26

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 620

You deserved it 3 432

Night terrors

By Si123 - 15/08/2020 08:01

Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 220

16/10/2010 05:50

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 793

You deserved it 6 123

"Tubular Bells" starts playing…

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 22:01

Today, my husband is terminal and insisted on making his last confession. Long story short, the priest came out pale and sweating and told me, in no uncertain terms, that my husband is definitely going to Hell, but won’t tell me why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 499

You deserved it 87

27/12/2012 10:16

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 209

You deserved it 8 201

29/01/2016 21:19

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 166

You deserved it 27 488

27/03/2011 10:06

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 631

You deserved it 11 213

22/01/2009 12:06

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 508

You deserved it 65 156

09/12/2013 23:25

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 565

You deserved it 3 765

18/06/2017 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 591

You deserved it 237

Time is running out

By teachinginhell - 29/09/2021 08:00

Today, I'm a teacher at a primary school, with 20 schools in their network. A week before end of term assessments, they decided to move assessments a week early to allow them to observe data. I have 2 days to teach 2 chapters or my kids will lose 20% of the paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 82

05/08/2009 11:04

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 752

You deserved it 5 760

04/10/2009 01:03

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 161

You deserved it 5 361

13/08/2015 23:50

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 296

You deserved it 2 751

15/01/2016 16:25

Today, I told my mother that, after years of cheating and abuse, I'm finally getting a divorce. Her reaction was deep concern that my husband might not want to "be friends" with the rest of the family any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 279

You deserved it 1 544

17/01/2013 00:53

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 575

You deserved it 4 586

02/12/2010 05:43

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 450

You deserved it 2 888

06/02/2012 05:50

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 187

You deserved it 4 108

09/06/2009 05:45

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 651

You deserved it 46 946

03/11/2009 19:49

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 967

You deserved it 31 216

03/07/2010 18:57

Today, after spending a great evening with the guy I really like, he dropped me off outside my house. When he pulled into my driveway, his lights shone onto my drunken mum taking the garbage out in nothing but her black panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 070

You deserved it 3 124

04/07/2018 22:30

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 530

You deserved it 314

14/04/2014 06:29

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 735

You deserved it 7 384

29/01/2015 00:59

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 959

You deserved it 4 635

11/11/2012 10:26

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 444

You deserved it 3 107

Funny, thanks

By picklebug - 26/07/2013 16:25

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 157

You deserved it 10 150

23/04/2011 20:18

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 807

You deserved it 40 681

10/09/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 595

05/01/2016 08:43

Today, the button on my husband's pants popped for the 4th time. I already used the strongest thread and buttons. He's obviously put on some weight around the stomach, but he won't listen to reason and still blames me for my sewing, which is making his pants "turn against him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 078

You deserved it 1 731

25/11/2009 07:57

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 830

You deserved it 3 517

08/02/2015 08:35

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 991

You deserved it 3 659

20/02/2017 13:00

Today, it seems I do, in fact, have an addiction to food. My employer has put on a weight loss challenge with a 1000$ prize, and on day 5 of 100 I'm already lying to the calorie counting app I installed on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 955

You deserved it 2 262

12/08/2016 17:32

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 401

You deserved it 878

15/11/2010 03:43

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 715

You deserved it 2 968

30/07/2015 15:30

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 053

You deserved it 1 752

23/12/2018 00:00

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “you look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 860

You deserved it 370

18/07/2013 16:01

Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 522

You deserved it 3 121

23/08/2011 14:46

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 086

You deserved it 6 383

Bisexual!

By Anonymous - 25/11/2019 14:00

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 681

You deserved it 250

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Top comments

musicislife1995_fml 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:27

lol you drink so much you had to lie to a cashier!

cerebellum_fml 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:50

PARTY AT HER HOUSE

Comments

musicislife1995_fml 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:27

lol you drink so much you had to lie to a cashier!

JCHammer 5

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Thursday 27 January 2011 21:44

Ain't it great being Irish?

tormcn 26

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Tuesday 7 April 2015 6:12

Forget the fact they bought booze from a grocery store.. what?

cynima 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:27

Oh, an alcoholic self-mock.

okadaj 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:31

sounds like you took this from Henry Poole Is Here

COBRAMORPH 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:46

good job being a drunk fuck.

wheatie 0

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Monday 1 March 2010 4:36

you don even know that. quit being a prejudiced bastard.

pinto502 0

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Monday 23 August 2010 19:29

I agree with you wheatie

DeJahVu 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:47

haha wow. first time Ive ever heard this. you my friend, FAIL!

Antivirus_fml 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:49

Get a life! Thats all i have to say.

cerebellum_fml 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:50

PARTY AT HER HOUSE

Asstazztic 8

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Saturday 5 December 2009 9:51

lol

leandra12 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 10:01

Haha, invite me over?? I don't see the problem here, the cashier was probably just a stuck-up bitch.

musicislife1995_fml 0

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Saturday 5 December 2009 10:08

#9 he's ashamed himself by how much he drinks.