Intimacy: Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers,... - FML

By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Spicy

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 121

You deserved it 3 604

There's no helping some people

Commando

He got game

By yupthissucks - 13/04/2015 09:00 - United States - Newnan

Today, I ran into the woman who hit my car and drove off three days ago. She was my bank teller. I called 911; she pressed the silent alarm. Guess whose story the cops believed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 052

You deserved it 2 761

By Anonymous - 19/04/2013 10:17 - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 900

You deserved it 5 965

By Umwhat - 19/06/2019 02:01

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 147

By Nox - 06/01/2010 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 494

You deserved it 7 667

By moron - 28/05/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a Youtube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 294

You deserved it 3 715

By Skier - 29/01/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 222

You deserved it 55 398

By anonymous - 06/06/2013 04:14 - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 734

You deserved it 6 509

By Anonymous - 21/02/2014 07:02

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 518

You deserved it 3 313

By Anonymous - 08/04/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 855

You deserved it 5 178

By romance sucks. - 18/12/2013 21:20 - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 574

You deserved it 3 938

By thanksmom - 20/07/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 668

You deserved it 4 097

By nothesisforme - 11/03/2015 14:01 - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 912

You deserved it 2 937

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 30/04/2021 21:30

Today, and for the last 4 days, my 19-year-old son has been wearing a metal full face skull helmet and a black robe, and has renamed himself Beast. He also bought a sword from god knows where and refuses to leave the house, because the outside scares him. I may need an exorcist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 202

By ThisisMedSchool - 01/11/2012 21:18 - United States - Johnson City

Today, while studying liver pathology and highlighting important lines in my textbook, I realized that I could count the number of words I hadn't highlighted on one hand, over the last six pages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 360

You deserved it 8 860

By Anonymous - 13/07/2014 17:54 - Canada - Tatamagouche

Today, I was singing in the shower, not realising the window was open. When I got out, the neighbours were at the front door, loudly arguing with my mother. They were complaining about my awful singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 851

You deserved it 6 993

By Anonymous - 18/09/2013 17:41 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I spent all of last night preparing, researching the company, and making sure everything was perfect. My interview was for 8am. I woke up at 10:30 to an alarm that had not gone off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 048

You deserved it 8 167

By comfylap - 28/05/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a cute girl I didn't know. She fell asleep on my lap by accident and I just let her for the whole train ride. This is the closest I've ever been with a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 764

You deserved it 6 420

By wtf did he do - 19/07/2015 09:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 785

You deserved it 2 237

By Anonymous - 14/09/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 946

You deserved it 91 808

By Whoopsx99 - 30/01/2010 19:21 - United States

Today, I accidentally emailed the entire company everyone's salary, sales history, and the names of four people I intended to fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 789

You deserved it 48 848

By sudoku_fiend - 13/12/2015 04:40 - United States - Millville

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 634

You deserved it 5 788

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 757

You deserved it 2 972

By mimo - 14/11/2008 04:16 - France

Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 399

You deserved it 4 977

Thief

By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Spicy

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 837

You deserved it 39 678

By ugly duckling - 06/08/2015 19:18 - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 967

You deserved it 3 131

By mislead - 22/09/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Spicy

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 565

You deserved it 6 135

By Grandson - 07/11/2013 05:52 - United States - Ontario

Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 298

You deserved it 4 583

By Anonymous - 12/02/2016 18:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 912

You deserved it 1 873

By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 193

You deserved it 3 978

By disturbed - 01/06/2014 01:53 - Ireland

Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 925

You deserved it 5 685

By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 762

You deserved it 2 463

By Richmond24 - 29/07/2010 19:10 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 690

You deserved it 3 749

Weebs unite!

By Anonymous - 31/07/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I realised how much my family prefer my cousin than me. I love anime/manga, but my family never got involved, so it was very lonely growing up and I was bullied in school for it. Now I'm an adult, my cousin is into it, and they want me to take a interest in her so, "she has someone to talk and isn't lonely." FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 106

By Anonymous - 12/03/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 822

You deserved it 6 094

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 00:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 810

You deserved it 5 380

By oops - 15/07/2012 05:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 739

You deserved it 44 299

By Noname - 05/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 098

You deserved it 4 133

By Anonymous - 18/12/2011 10:09 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using my moisturiser as lube when he wanks. It's $90 per bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 525

You deserved it 17 476

Hangry

By Geckosrock99 - 20/07/2016 05:58

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 215

You deserved it 1 824

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 655

You deserved it 3 871

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:34

He sounds awesome

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:33

Old people are awesome

Comments

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:33

Old people are awesome

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:34

He sounds awesome

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:35

My grandfather once asked when I'm getting married because I'm starting to "look like an old cow" I'm 22. Gotta love old people

gamermonster 34

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 16:31

Not to be a creep or anything, but you look nice. (Don't worry, i'm not even 15 yet :p )

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 0:12

when you have to say "not to be a creep or anything", its prolly just best to not say anything at all

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 0:27

Totally being a creep and everything, but I'd milk you. (Don't worry, I'm not even close to 15 anymore :p )

xTommytheGUNx 15

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Thursday 19 November 2015 1:48

i like you #53

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:35

Word

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 18:20

Number

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 20:03

Letter

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 21:36

Note

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 23:59

Symbol

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 1:14

Comma

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 6:32

Speech

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 18:48

Essay

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:48

Well, at least yours fingers don't look like prunes.

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:53

Love when old people just don't care anymore about what people think and say what they want. His life must be so amusing :)

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Wednesday 18 November 2015 15:17

My dad does the same thing too but at least he says weird crazy stuff to people he knows. I think people get to a certain age where they have no filter and will say just about anything to unsuspecting people. I'll guess I'll lose my filter sooner or later. Here's to getting old! (Pass out whiskey shots!)

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 9:59

Grand pa is that you ?

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 10:03

have some respect for those bowling ball holes!

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 10:04

He's a keeper.

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Tuesday 17 November 2015 10:42

Creepy grandpa strikes again haha

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105

You deserved it 42

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 36