Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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Dangling modifier

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Mind your own beeswax

By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 01:47 - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By gangstalicious - 8/5/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

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By iDisable - 19/6/2011 00:27 - Australia

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

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By rmL - 13/10/2008 08:31

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

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By whoslade - 28/6/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

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By ugh - 23/1/2016 20:48 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 08:57 - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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By Username - 13/11/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By Thanks Trump - 8/3/2016 22:31 - United States - New York

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

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By Bucko321 - 30/3/2009 01:18 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. He had picked up the phone to make a call and had heard it all. FML

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By nessacadesa - 24/3/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

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By prince232 - 4/5/2016 04:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

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By kellie1115 - 10/4/2012 04:41 - United States - Rowlesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

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By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

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By Boyufd - 30/7/2020 23:01

The Dark Knight

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2015 14:29 - United States - Atwater

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

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By ohyey - 29/1/2011 01:50 - Norway

Dead bed

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML

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By TLT - 16/11/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By S4L - 2/7/2009 04:13 - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2014 18:37 - United States - Cortland

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

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By Allison Arsenault - 7/6/2020 08:08

Cheap-ass perv!

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

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By Crog - 11/2/2009 11:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By IHateBeingAStudent - 12/2/2012 09:43

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By KatrinaKitten - 16/7/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2019 14:00

Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

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By killer - 16/5/2009 12:21 - Latvia

Today, I went to see a fortune teller. She said one of my closest friends will die soon because of me. Frightened I hurried home to avoid meeting anyone I know. At home I found my goldfish floating on its back. Apparently I forgot to feed my closest friend for the past 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 04:57 - Germany

Childfree

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 21:40 - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

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By Somethingtoworryabout - 26/10/2018 22:00

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

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By tamralee - 25/10/2019 04:00

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 01:46 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

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By bob - 11/9/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

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By Username - 28/6/2011 20:40 - United States

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

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By Ahh - 14/8/2020 23:02

The curse

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

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By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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Top comments

By xFaust_fml | 12

#615161 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:10

But if you were invited, the birthday girl wanted you there, didn't she?

By amatayo | 0

#615176 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:17

more like the boyfriend did not want you there

COMMENTS

By jeocon10 | 0

#615160 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:10

FYL HAHA

First anyway :-j

Reply

Reyo | 2

#616236 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:42

And you didn't kick his ass, right there in front of his girlfriend?

Reply

argghhh_fml | 0

#616258 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:56

FAKE.
you just though oh i'm all dressed up i'll go eat in ths restaurant... ALONE.
and if its not fake
YDI for going to go and eat alone in a restaurant

Reply

1234PIE43215 | 0

#616359 - Monday 12 October 2009 2:04

Plenty of people go eat alone at restaurants

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616458 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:31

Yes, plenty of people, like the loser OP whom no one wants to eat dinner with. YDI

Reply

Meowxkittyxkitty | 0

#840194 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 5:50

don't be retarded, people do like having alone time sometimes...it's actually normal. people come and eat out at the restaurant I work at all the time.

By xFaust_fml | 12

#615161 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:10

But if you were invited, the birthday girl wanted you there, didn't she?

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#615574 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:05

Yeah but the boyfriend and half the party over-ruled her. Or he did it without her knowing

Reply

AFloppyWetWhale | 6

#4795260 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:58

What I want to know is did she still eat there or what happened after?

By amatayo | 0

#615176 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:17

more like the boyfriend did not want you there

Reply

moonlight_daze | 8

#615352 - Sunday 11 October 2009 15:05

I was wondering about that too..

How does the OP know it "half the party" and not just the boyfriend? Did they straight up say to her "dammit, I wish you weren’t here"? And even if they did, it really should only matter who the birthday girl wants there anyway..

By RubixMonkey | 0

#615178 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:18

What did you do? And who cares, ask why they don't like you and change your behavior. It might be something you do that prevents people from liking you. If not then you're friend needs to rethink her treatment of you if her boyfriend can get away with treating you like that.

Reply

apfunction | 0

#925791 - Monday 8 March 2010 19:52

fuck that, OP shouldn't change their behavior. are you retarded? you should never change for anyone! if they don't like it, they can fuck off!

Reply

Vaati_fml | 20

#5937202 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 4:40

Changing for people is something you never do. If they don't like you, that is their problem.

By PandaPandaPandaX | 0

#615183 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:23

Wow how is it her boyfriends choice if you attend your friends birthday dinner? What a jerk. I agree with #4 though, there must be a reason this happened.

By Hodini | 0

#615185 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:24

u poor thing. :(

By _Noon_ | 0

#615203 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:39

Wow, that sucks. Poor you :(

By NathanKett | 0

#615204 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:39

maybe the boyfriend doesn't want you there because his girlfriend is secretly a lesbian who wants to have great sex with you on the table in my living room... or maybe that's just me

Reply

RubixMonkey | 0

#615216 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:51

Nathan, do you often get slapped in conversations? For asking this same thing? I was amused though.

Reply

iRichiq | 3

#1478218 - Thursday 30 September 2010 23:32

you were amused by that crap?

Reply

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#2857840 - Saturday 9 July 2011 23:19

what can I say, lesbians are amusing.

By Sighwonder | 0

#615210 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:44

fucked up

By gameoverman_fml | 0

#615237 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:07

You were just leaving for the party whilst apparently everyone else had already conducted a poll as to whether you should be invited? Timeline fail.

Reply

CheshireHalli | 19

#615310 - Sunday 11 October 2009 14:12

The poll probably happened earlier, and she got the text as she was leaving, and later found out.

Reply

DisposableHeroes | 0

#616100 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:31

She means that she got the text while she was leaving her house.