By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 00:01

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

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Reliable

Creepy

Ambien conversations are the worst

By pincushion - 31/12/2016 05:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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By kmang33 - 2/4/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By feistychick - 25/4/2009 13:31 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

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By anon - 24/5/2012 18:59 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 06:39 - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2013 16:27 - Germany - K?ln

Today, I actually had to teach my 9-year-old brother how to pour himself a glass of milk, after he burst out in tears when my sister told him to do it himself. His astonishing ignorance also extends to basic hygiene. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 16:01

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By BodyElectric - 26/7/2016 05:06

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

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By killme - 29/2/2016 07:00 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By that guy - 24/5/2012 16:41 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my phone ever rings is because someone needs help with their computer. FML

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By anonix - 21/12/2014 19:08 - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By branded - 14/5/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

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By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 02:02

Freaked out

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML

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By Anna - 2/10/2012 17:37 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 17:54 - United States - Brandon

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

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By Mezzlegasm - 10/7/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, I was talking to my good friend's girlfriend. She mentioned being afraid of losing her job. Because she was still a teenager, I jokingly said, "oh, like you're responsible for a whole family." She is. FML

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By UnluckyReporter - 17/2/2016 06:35 - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - 24/8/2012 04:08 - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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By rockytrolley - 8/10/2014 09:01 - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2019 14:00

Willpower

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

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By Aspireworks - 29/1/2013 22:46 - United States

Today, my fiancé's mother came up to me and told me she loves that I stuck with my soon-to-be husband despite his history and condition. I have no idea what she's talking about, and she refuses to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2016 22:19

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By Jim - 25/1/2011 08:27

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By Greymoya - 24/2/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

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By rune breaker - 23/8/2018 22:05

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 16:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By stupidity - 25/5/2012 19:30 - Switzerland - Geneva

Today, trying to look cool, I threw my coke bottle in the air, and tried to catch it with one hand. I missed and it fell to the floor. Luckily, it wasn't open, but in my unimaginable stupidity, I opened it less than five seconds later. FML

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By Beefy Man - 13/5/2016 07:33 - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

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By SoVeryMonday - 30/11/2009 18:01 - Canada

Today, we rearranged the bedroom and my boyfriend and I switched sides of the bed. When the alarm went off, he got confused as to which side the clock was on. Instead of hitting the snooze button like he normally does, he hit me in the face. FML

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By fart - 27/11/2014 15:13 - United States - Houghton Lake

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

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By rockefoe - 15/11/2010 20:49 - United States

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

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31492

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By that's methed up, darling - 16/8/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dragged me to the local McDonald's, refusing to drive me home until he ate. When I mentioned how dangerous that part of town is, he stopped and went all Walter White on me in front of everyone, spouting lines like "I AM the danger" and "I'M the one who knocks, babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

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By Andrew - 2/1/2014 23:49 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7805833 - Saturday 25 May 2019 0:10

Tell him the Green New Deal does not refer to tooth color.

By manb91gb | 14

#7805857 - Saturday 25 May 2019 1:48

It's okay, giving blowjobs and having sex is also unnecessary under this argument. You win.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7805833 - Saturday 25 May 2019 0:10

Tell him the Green New Deal does not refer to tooth color.

Aphrodite | 19

#7805878 - Saturday 25 May 2019 4:36

😂😂😂😂😂😂

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7805845 - Saturday 25 May 2019 1:07

hopefully, he's wrong..... hopefully.

By xnider | 5

#7805846 - Saturday 25 May 2019 1:11

how did you even accept him as your boyfriend?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7805854 - Saturday 25 May 2019 1:34

Actually life will cease when tectonic churning sequesters all carbon underground. Seriously, look it up.

By manb91gb | 14

#7805857 - Saturday 25 May 2019 1:48

It's okay, giving blowjobs and having sex is also unnecessary under this argument. You win.

tounces7 | 26

#7805872 - Saturday 25 May 2019 4:15

Actually that would be even more reason to do that. If the world is ending, why not enjoy yourself as much as possible before it does?

By alwaysme28 | 8

#7805858 - Saturday 25 May 2019 1:55

your boyfriend is disgusting, I just hope you do know that.

By onlyme25 | 26

#7805865 - Saturday 25 May 2019 3:48

Your boyfriend should probably stop being friends with Al Gore

By Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7805975 - Saturday 25 May 2019 14:12

Well duh, that’s like 4 extra minutes a day that he can game until the world ultimately ends!

By Bubbilility | 26

#7806001 - Saturday 25 May 2019 15:56

That's some next level 'acceptance' right there.

By Dane Broussard | 6

#7806134 - Sunday 26 May 2019 0:58

poor thing your boyfriend is retarded