Intimacy: Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I... - FML

17/05/2011 04:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 338

You deserved it 51 631

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Triage

You just had to be special

05/02/2012 00:35 - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 086

You deserved it 3 180

25/10/2014 01:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 060

You deserved it 2 945

05/01/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 340

You deserved it 2 406

01/05/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 807

You deserved it 341

24/08/2014 21:19 - Canada - Dartmouth

Spicy

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 667

You deserved it 3 476

16/12/2014 15:01 - United States - Edwardsville

Today, my parents decided to "discipline" my kitten by spraying her with water. This somehow managed to completely un-train her, and now she's back to being the compulsive biter she was when I first brought her home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 797

You deserved it 3 643

04/02/2019 20:00

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 424

You deserved it 304

The single life

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 00:02

Today, I was invited to my ten year high school reunion. I refuse to go because I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. All the girls I grew up with will be there with their husbands, while I’m a single loser who can’t get a man to save her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 252

30/01/2016 03:54 - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 230

You deserved it 4 522

08/11/2010 21:26 - Sweden

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 857

You deserved it 45 006

Patriotic ass

By lancus - 07/06/2020 14:06

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 672

04/03/2017 14:00

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 899

You deserved it 6 410

27/02/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 368

You deserved it 74 442

04/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 445

You deserved it 774

08/01/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 182

You deserved it 4 470

27/09/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 019

You deserved it 4 395

25/03/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 305

You deserved it 5 235

16/07/2012 04:08 - United States

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 741

You deserved it 2 923

02/07/2011 21:28 - United States

Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 236

You deserved it 18 121

19/08/2017 01:30

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 654

You deserved it 645

05/02/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 411

You deserved it 16 505

Great customer service, thanks!

By Eli Maldonado - 29/05/2021 17:01

Today, I called customer service for my phone. We talked for a while and the man was very nice to me. Too nice. Right before hanging up, he said, “Have a good day ma’am!” He was flirting the whole time and I didn’t realize it, and he didn’t that I’m a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 132

07/02/2010 06:12 - United States

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 219

You deserved it 31 658

13/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 934

27/09/2016 12:28 - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 2 739

05/07/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 215

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 233

Statutory

By I don't care if it was consented or not, I'm gonna whoop the shit out of this child-molesting fuck. - 22/09/2021 23:00

Today, my sister, who is now 19, gathered the guts to formally present her boyfriend to us. She was so concerned that my parents wouldn't let her have a boyfriend, she kept it a secret for 5 years. We were happy to hear it, until she presented him to us. He's a 35-year-old taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 99

29/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 071

You deserved it 2 243

08/08/2015 05:18 - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 465

You deserved it 2 136

08/07/2009 07:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 580

You deserved it 9 016

Good one, dude

By poop hands - 20/12/2016 03:50 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 930

You deserved it 4 977

22/10/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 528

You deserved it 43 317

26/02/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 515

You deserved it 5 186

31/10/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 624

You deserved it 7 856

Get it on

By kmb04 - 02/08/2009 15:12 - Canada

Spicy

Today, after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 036

You deserved it 33 932

10/01/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 467

You deserved it 55 295

The Little Sperm That Could

By Anonymous - 24/08/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 697

You deserved it 885

04/09/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 393

You deserved it 2 874

22/06/2009 13:32 - Singapore

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 041

You deserved it 7 136

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Top comments

redbluegreen 40

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:11

What a crushing story!

anorexicbarbie 8

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:10

It took you two crushed nuts to find that out?

Comments

dudemansoccer 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:06

I still don't get what happened

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:11

I don't really get how OP "crushed his nuts" with the ball, unless he was lying on his back and dropped the bowling ball on himself.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:23

Or ya know, sitting on a seat whilst spinning the ball.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 16:03

I think after that he attempted to spin the bowling ball to spin of the tip of his penis which ended with testicles being crushed.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 17:48

wow you're dumb lol

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 18:39

dumbass

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:07

Heavy, shiny balls referring to the bowling balls, not your lack of balls, correct?

Fuk_Your_Life 2

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 16:14

Idiot

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 6:48

well since he's lacking balls the only ones he could talk about were the bowling balls

anorexicbarbie 8

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:10

It took you two crushed nuts to find that out?

redbluegreen 40

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:11

What a crushing story!

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:45

I know! OP must be nuts!

slightlypyro1996 4

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 13:56

such a smashing defeat!

OceanProtection 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 18:37

Care to teach me how to raise my nuts while holding a cup? :/. Havin issues here

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 22:53

Just google "2 nuts 1 cup".

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 0:50

Dude, shut up.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:13

I sincerely hope you smashed your balls beyond repair. You deserve the Darwin award for that shit, and the only way to qualify is to take yourself out of the gene pool.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 13:53

That's what I was thinking. We should all be glad OP crushed his own balls. Not only because otherwise innocent balls were harmed, but merely because we don't want people with his intellect breeding.

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Wednesday 18 May 2011 16:01

lmfao xD

thebestof1984 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:14

Really? A few beers will make you that stupid?...

Ionodemon1995 0

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Sunday 13 November 2011 7:57

I'm gonna have to say it Wasn't the alcohol...

coolkid_matt 11

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:15

You sound like the smart type xD goodjob..

ChantelRenaeee 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:15

You're a massive idiot. You know how much those balls weigh and whether you're in a drunken state or not, you should know better.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:16

You bloody cadburry! Learn how to handle your drinks. Sincerely, Your (now crushed) Nuts.

Blueglasscup 18

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:16

That's nuts! Heheheh get it!? Nuts! Okay I'm sorry... I'll go away.

ChantelRenaeee 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:21

thankyou very much.

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 14:18

ahahaha

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 18:03

That's gay... balls were touching.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 42

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 108