Love: Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

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Love

Out of it

Leave me alone

Greed

By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I got an e-mail regarding an IT support job I applied to. The e-mail had numerous formatting errors due to bad code, and typos all over the place. It said I wasn't qualified for the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a conference with my dad, my counselor, and my history and English teachers because my dad was "concerned" about my grades in those two classes. We talked for a while and it was going well, then my counselor asked what I wanted to study in college. I said I wanted to be a teacher. He laughed. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

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By zl5 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By some explaining to do - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

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By PeterRabit - Canada

Headshot

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

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By pillowless - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redmond

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

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By The Corner Of Death - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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By a tad whipped - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By people will think I'm Shelley Duvall

Today, my son's yearbook came. I was pretty happy, because I also ordered a larger version of his photo because he's going to California for college and I wanted a special picture of him to keep. Unfortunately, my happiness disappeared when I saw that he was wearing a horse mask in the photo. FML

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By CoalRose - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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13236

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By she sure has an arm. - United States - Clinton

Today, my elderly neighbor had asked me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrived at her house at 7:30 as agreed, and she appeared to have forgotten who I was. She started lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interested in what I was selling. FML

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By onemoreruinedthing - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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36496

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I'm immune to laughing gas and partially immune to novocaine while I was getting two teeth pulled. FML

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55677

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By JoblessandStupid - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I got pissed and tried to storm out of work, only to get outside and realize I couldn't because I'd let my coworker borrow my car for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML

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By gan-1991 - 15/6/2020 23:01

It's called caring, OK?

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parkesburg

For real though?

Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML

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By redriver - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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4407

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By LP - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 02:00

Killing in the name of

Today, I've loved for years that my boyfriend works at an animal shelter, but I learned from his coworker that he’s the guy that puts the animals to sleep, full time, sometimes 30 a day. Now I’m disgusted to sit in the same room as him, because he always says he loves his job. FML

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By We raised that fool - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

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By chewybarseventy - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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34348

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By that guy

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

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By sari14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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27078

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By losingit - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

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84026

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By Ashton Sprunger - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

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28653

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By nima - 23/2/2021 02:01

Death wish

Today, my parents went on vacation and told me that it is "absolutely imperative" that I do the dishes while they are gone. Instead, the sink decided to break and nothing will fix it, so I'm currently writing out my will. FML

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By Whyudodis - Canada - New Westminster

Today, while on the skytrain, a woman leaned on the railing bar that I was holding onto, crushing my hand. My first instinct was to move my hand when she turned around and began loudly yelling at me for, "Touching her waist" and "Sexually harassing" her. FML

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12543

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

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53682

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

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Top comments

By tayza249 | 20

#3403381 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:56

Mmmm.. Cake

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3403421 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:01

Don't cut the cake. There's a midget stripper in there with the biggest bawls in the world. Yes I know, don't ask how.

COMMENTS

By tayza249 | 20

#3403381 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:56

Mmmm.. Cake

Lstands4LOSER | 0

#3403411 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:00

Mmm... Drunk mothers attacking people for cake.

WowUStupid | 0

#3403529 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:13

Yo mama so fat....

DoctorWhooves | 6

#3403537 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:17

I'd feel worse for the sister, this is more like her FML. But really, that's awful...

systems7 | 2

#3403589 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:29

Challenge accepted.

rallets | 22

#3403781 - Saturday 8 October 2011 7:41

sigh...

SteveTheJanitor | 6

#3404114 - Saturday 8 October 2011 11:02

At least no one stood up when the chance for objections came round...

tomboy13 | 0

#3406491 - Saturday 8 October 2011 22:50

You don't need to be saying GD on here like seriously!!!

Eaglestrike117 | 29

#3408335 - Sunday 9 October 2011 7:18

Who says "punch-up?"

By AnaBanana1918 | 7

#3403396 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:58

Hope no one got hurt

azpallen | 0

#3403596 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:32

.turh tog eno on epoH

Zya_fml | 8

#3403851 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:21

^ hrut? :p

Zya_fml | 8

#3403854 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:21

^ hrut? :p

Zya_fml | 8

#3403857 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:21

^ hrut? :p

Zya_fml | 8

#3403870 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:28

Wow triple post...sorry about that...

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3404024 - Saturday 8 October 2011 9:53

It's hurt spelled backwards, I think

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3404033 - Saturday 8 October 2011 9:55

Or it's supposed to be...

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3404053 - Saturday 8 October 2011 10:13

*truh*

MrSarcasm | 4

#3404807 - Saturday 8 October 2011 13:41

It's a drunk woman. So obviously the only thing that was hurt was the family's dignity.

By ElainaCutsYou | 0

#3403405 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:59

Make sure you hide the boos next time.

x_KL_x | 7

#3403427 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:02

Hide the boos?

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3403452 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:04

Fuckin boos, always laughing and trying to kill mario. Never take your eyes off them!

ElainaCutsYou | 0

#3403599 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:33

Lmao, wow I fail. -__-

HarveyMalone | 0

#3404003 - Saturday 8 October 2011 9:45

Perhaps you mean 'booze' as in grog, piss, alcohol etc?....

rattusrattus | 18

#3404685 - Saturday 8 October 2011 11:41

I read it as "hide the boobs". Stipulate high necklines on wedding attire, that kind of thing.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3403416 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:00

Damn, I can just imagine that.
BILL, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN! GIVE ME THE KNIFE SO I CAN CUT YOUR GOD DAMN HEAD OFF!!!

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3403421 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:01

Don't cut the cake. There's a midget stripper in there with the biggest bawls in the world. Yes I know, don't ask how.

By MegaTroller_fml | 5

#3403429 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:02

Should have grabbed some cake and slammed it against her face.

By perdix | 29

#3403430 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:02

Well, that just takes the cake, which is a lie. Let them eat it.

By kamikrazy | 6

#3403458 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:05

I wanted to cut the cake. WTF

By saIty | 17

#3403477 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:07

Psh forget cutting the cake. I bellyflop all over it, and make cake angels.

By cdogLuvs2golf | 0

#3403522 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:12

A new wedding present boxing at your wedding