Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly....

By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

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By Eric John Los - 29/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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By good_aim - 27/7/2013 08:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

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By Ruinedchristmas - 28/11/2014 18:07 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

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By Turnaround - 7/11/2014 12:28

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By Austin Franklin - 18/3/2012 11:41 - United States

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

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By happybride - 13/4/2018 01:30

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By not impressed - 9/10/2015 18:27 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2014 15:03 - United States - Chelan

Today, my boyfriend has chipped his front teeth for the third time in 2 months. After refusing to tell me how this keeps on happening, I walked in on him throwing his phone in the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. FML

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By Danny - 28/5/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

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By Darling_Cherry - 2/1/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 23:25 - United States

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2015 07:09 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2015 08:23 - Maldives - Male

Today, at a family dinner, my mom announced that my newborn brother was named after his father. His name is Kevin. My dad's name is Michael. FML

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By DravensMommy - 6/8/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I woke up with a black eye. Why? My husband was having a dream where he was fighting somebody and wound up punching me in the face in his sleep. I had a very important job interview this morning. FML

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By whoslade - 28/6/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

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By DeepCleanAcne - 2/9/2017 20:00

Today, I found out that my intense acne is actually an allergic reaction to the "deep clean" product I've been using to reduce it. I've been using this product for the past ten years. Ten years of suffering through "acne" could have been easily avoided. FML

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By - 26/3/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By pagvscgrac - 13/3/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2017 14:00

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

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By NeverGonnaGetIt - 27/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Wayne

Today, I went on my 56th job interview since graduating from college 3 months ago. I am 31 years old and I spent 11 years in college. I only graduated with a Bachelor's Degree after all those years, but I am still not qualified for anything due to how long it took me to complete my degree. FML

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By shitballs_911 - 7/10/2009 11:13 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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By aprouddaddy - 4/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

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By meee - 13/1/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By needanotherbed - 28/5/2014 14:21 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

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By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By Callum536 - 22/8/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

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By Stuckwiththebill - 28/1/2018 01:30

The show must go on!

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

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By easily amused - 12/10/2013 05:40 - United States

Today, I discovered my 10 month old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML

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By Kiki - 12/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 19:28 - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 02:03 - United States

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

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By Lewis - 4/9/2010 11:02 - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By Spongebob Garypants - 26/5/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

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By SchwesterGrimm - 19/6/2016 21:41

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

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By suckstobefat - 22/1/2012 06:10 - Canada

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML

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By NowImSingle - 12/2/2018 19:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and threw all my stuff out into the yard because she caught me "texting another woman". Guess it didn't matter to her that the contact name was "Mom". FML

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Top comments

By tayza249 | 20

#3403381 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:56

Mmmm.. Cake

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3403421 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:01

Don't cut the cake. There's a midget stripper in there with the biggest bawls in the world. Yes I know, don't ask how.

Comments

By tayza249 | 20

#3403381 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:56

Mmmm.. Cake

Lstands4LOSER | 0

#3403411 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:00

Mmm... Drunk mothers attacking people for cake.

WowUStupid | 0

#3403529 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:13

Yo mama so fat....

DoctorWhooves | 6

#3403537 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:17

I'd feel worse for the sister, this is more like her FML. But really, that's awful...

systems7 | 2

#3403589 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:29

Challenge accepted.

rallets | 22

#3403781 - Saturday 8 October 2011 7:41

sigh...

SteveTheJanitor | 6

#3404114 - Saturday 8 October 2011 11:02

At least no one stood up when the chance for objections came round...

tomboy13 | 0

#3406491 - Saturday 8 October 2011 22:50

You don't need to be saying GD on here like seriously!!!

Eaglestrike117 | 29

#3408335 - Sunday 9 October 2011 7:18

Who says "punch-up?"

By AnaBanana1918 | 7

#3403396 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:58

Hope no one got hurt

azpallen | 0

#3403596 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:32

.turh tog eno on epoH

Zya_fml | 8

#3403851 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:21

^ hrut? :p

Zya_fml | 8

#3403854 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:21

^ hrut? :p

Zya_fml | 8

#3403857 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:21

^ hrut? :p

Zya_fml | 8

#3403870 - Saturday 8 October 2011 8:28

Wow triple post...sorry about that...

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3404024 - Saturday 8 October 2011 9:53

It's hurt spelled backwards, I think

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3404033 - Saturday 8 October 2011 9:55

Or it's supposed to be...

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3404053 - Saturday 8 October 2011 10:13

*truh*

MrSarcasm | 4

#3404807 - Saturday 8 October 2011 13:41

It's a drunk woman. So obviously the only thing that was hurt was the family's dignity.

By ElainaCutsYou | 0

#3403405 - Saturday 8 October 2011 5:59

Make sure you hide the boos next time.

x_KL_x | 7

#3403427 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:02

Hide the boos?

Buttsexpirate | 9

#3403452 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:04

Fuckin boos, always laughing and trying to kill mario. Never take your eyes off them!

ElainaCutsYou | 0

#3403599 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:33

Lmao, wow I fail. -__-

HarveyMalone | 0

#3404003 - Saturday 8 October 2011 9:45

Perhaps you mean 'booze' as in grog, piss, alcohol etc?....

rattusrattus | 18

#3404685 - Saturday 8 October 2011 11:41

I read it as "hide the boobs". Stipulate high necklines on wedding attire, that kind of thing.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#3403416 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:00

Damn, I can just imagine that.
BILL, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN! GIVE ME THE KNIFE SO I CAN CUT YOUR GOD DAMN HEAD OFF!!!

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3403421 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:01

Don't cut the cake. There's a midget stripper in there with the biggest bawls in the world. Yes I know, don't ask how.

By MegaTroller_fml | 5

#3403429 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:02

Should have grabbed some cake and slammed it against her face.

By perdix | 29

#3403430 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:02

Well, that just takes the cake, which is a lie. Let them eat it.

By kamikrazy | 6

#3403458 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:05

I wanted to cut the cake. WTF

By saIty | 17

#3403477 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:07

Psh forget cutting the cake. I bellyflop all over it, and make cake angels.

By cdogLuvs2golf | 0

#3403522 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:12

A new wedding present boxing at your wedding