Hangover Struggles

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

Season finale

What did I do?

Reliable

By pardon my English :$ - 9/8/2013 22:53 - France

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Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

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Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

By bibou2324 - 18/4/2012 20:41

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Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

By Unnoticed - 27/7/2017 06:30 - Australia - Thornlie

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Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

By Luke - 10/9/2015 05:56 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

By fuckedbyahipster - 15/6/2013 16:13 - Finland

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Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

By Anonymous - 17/8/2015 22:46 - Canada - Kingston

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Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 11:06 - United States

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Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

By Bob - 12/11/2010 03:55 - United States

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Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

By alison89430 - 5/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Birmingham

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Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 22:29 - United States

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Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

By ptarr12345 - 14/5/2015 04:26 - United States - Lancaster

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Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." FML

By Ugly - 20/8/2019 04:00 - Australia

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Today, the power went out at school. If it's out for more than twenty minutes, standard procedure is to let us go home. They came back on almost nineteen minutes later. FML

By anon - 15/10/2012 19:00 - United States - Poquoson

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Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:44 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 15:04 - United States

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Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

By schoolkiddo - 8/9/2010 07:35 - Australia

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Today, my boy friend said "you know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

By Jazzyfayyye - 29/5/2009 17:51 - United States

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Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 04:38 - United States - Montpelier

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Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

By canessadawn - 17/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Portland

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Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

By Silver_Samurai - 9/2/2012 03:24 - Netherlands

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Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

By Gina - 2/4/2010 11:33 - Thailand

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Today, my husband explained that talking to me makes him miserable. FML

By Gloria Lovestar - 13/9/2019 20:00

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

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Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML

By thechaos - 15/12/2014 22:24 - United States - Pittsfield

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Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

By aintgotnoteeth - 19/7/2016 17:53

11206

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

By leahbeuhh - 5/9/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 16:25 - United States - Iowa City

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Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

By myennechee - 18/3/2009 05:22 - Germany

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Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 05:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

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Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - 9/8/2013 22:13 - United States

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Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - 14/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

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Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 2/3/2020 18:00

Boundaries, dude!

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Today, I went to a water park, and the fee to get in was $39.95. Once I got in I was really thirsty, so I got a soda and then I hear over the intercom that the park is closing due to a clog in the cleaning system. I paid 43.67 for a soda. FML

By Still Dry - 18/8/2010 02:01 - United States

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Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

By thanksma - 29/1/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

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Today, my girlfriend informed me that during the night, I shot up in bed and whimpered tearfully, "I don't have anything for the fancy-dress!" She also decided to share this with all our friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

By joe rogan fucking sucks, dude - 27/4/2014 20:51 - Australia - Warwick

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Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

By PickedOnByDamien - 2/10/2013 08:12 - United States - Holyoke

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Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

By Gomer - 11/4/2014 14:51 - United States - New York

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Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

By dejected - 28/2/2010 01:32 - United States

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Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

By gwengas - 30/7/2014 06:51 - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

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