Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to...

By burgerpants - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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Love

Caught red-handed

Countdown

Vibe check

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

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27965

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By fml9124

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

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1252

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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32453

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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By aces10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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44123

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By poor man - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I frantically told my parents that my bank account had no money. Turns out, they took the $1,600 I had saved up from a summer job and invested it in penny-stocks. I was grounded because they were "doing it for the family," and I'm being selfish. They also had lost it all in a matter of days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 14:03 - United States - Springfield

Facts over feelings

Today, I noticed that my mom still has me saved in her phone with my married name. I told her she could change it back to my maiden name. She said, "Not until it's legal!" My husband and I have been separated for more than 2 years and my divorce will be finalized in 2 days. She still won't change it. FML

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1000

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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By DrySpellcaster - 7/10/2020 16:57

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

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1020

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By Dan - United Kingdom

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

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33933

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By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

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4043

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By thanksmom - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

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33521

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By Hungry - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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22502

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By Rollymouth - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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27754

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By Gale - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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7851

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By recordyear - United States

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32789

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By ew - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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21535

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By Getmeoutofhere - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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4239

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By Natalie - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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45978

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By Jackassed - United States

Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML

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15486

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By 2ndgenoration - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

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50497

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By whoneedsloveanyway - 21/6/2020 02:01

Swindler's List

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

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2068

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By Anonymous

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

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1688

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112

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By booboo300

Today, I picked up my gardisal 9 hpv update shot that my doctor prescribed and discovered that not only do I need three of them, they are $200 a piece. The guy I was dating that was the reason I needed the booster broke up with me on Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2028

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267

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By tammy - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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33636

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By lee - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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35145

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By JordanVilleneuve - Canada

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

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64118

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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31816

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By Nalya - France

Today, my boss told me that we are having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

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20781

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By mitchellcrawford - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

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7037

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10005

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By The nice guy finishing Last

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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4854

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By Scorned Employee - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

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26957

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By kittkatt1 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42281

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By sambo99 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37508

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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45470

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By Anonymous - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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22266

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By PhailedMidterm - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

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39950

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By Username

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

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Top comments

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7632198 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:09

Maybe you should go get ice cream instead. Because ice cream listens, ice cream understands.

By ChromoTec | 24

#7632206 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:59

I love your Undertale-related username that fits with the theme. Way to go!

COMMENTS

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7632198 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:09

Maybe you should go get ice cream instead. Because ice cream listens, ice cream understands.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7632201 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:28

I guess you weren't a cheeseburger in paradise then.

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#7632205 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:38

Keep your chin up mate! You're better off without a cheater. Karma will catch up to them :)

By ChromoTec | 24

#7632206 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 2:59

I love your Undertale-related username that fits with the theme. Way to go!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7632210 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 3:15

You’re using meat to cheer you up? Looks like that works for your ex-girlfriend, too, if you know what I mean;)

By stumpygremlin | 12

#7632213 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 4:02

Well... this is in Stamford apparently. “Jerry Springer” films there. Might be an opportunity for an appearance.

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7632243 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 7:10

who the fuck orders a burger off a website?

julfunky | 29

#7632250 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 7:51

... People who online order?

Venom1999 | 19

#7632542 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 20:30

If you've ever been to Shake Shack, ordering online is for the best.

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7632244 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 7:11

who the fuck orders a burger off a website?

By Victoria Danielle Docherty Hogg | 8

#7632260 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 8:28

least you know they feed stray dogs

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7632270 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 8:45

Think of it this way, that photo reminds you how you got ride of that trash and how you're a better person.